words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Rachel and Monica are sitting at the dinner table and Phoebe enters, knocking on the door.]
Phoebe: Hi!
Phoebe: Listen! You have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight! (Rachel gasps)
Phoebe: (sarcastically) Really? That hadn't occurred to me.
Phoebe: They live on the upper east side on Park Avenue!
Phoebe: Okay, so... allright... Which dress? (she holds up two 'Phoebe' dresses, Rachel and Monica look at them... taking their time, don't wanting to hurt Phoebe) You can say "neither".
Phoebe: So... now... What about with Mike's mom?
Phoebe: (speaking louder and articulating) That's she's like the daughter she never had. (Phoebe points at her ears) Listen! (Monica looks at Phoebe in a duh! way)
Rachel: I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents. She's so nervous, it's so sweet!
[Scene: Mike's parents building. Phoebe gets out of the classy elevator, looking all dressed up like an older woman, and very un-Phoebe. She walks to the door and rings the doorbell.]
Phoebe: I'm wearing pantyhose!
Phoebe: Oh, thank you! Oh... Oh my God, you're RICH!
Phoebe: Yeah, so... They gotta die someday. (Mike's parents walk in) HELLO!
Mike: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy.
Phoebe: (in a very posh accent) Theodore... Bitsy... What a delight!
Phoebe: And you... Your home is lovely.
Phoebe: Holy crap!
Bitsy: Phoebe, why don't you come in the living room and meet our friends?
Phoebe: Oh, try and stop me!
Phoebe: (no accent) I'm trying to get your parents to like me.
Mike: Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this... I'm wanting them to get to know Phoebe, not (accent) Phoebe...
Phoebe: (accent) Got it! It... It's hard to stop...
Theodore: Phoebe, these are our friends, Tom and Sue Angle.
Bitsy: Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about yourself... So where are you from?
Phoebe: (no accent) Uhm... Okay, well, allright, uhm... Originally I'm from upstate, but uhm... then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went to prison, so... I just moved to the city where uhm... I actually lived in a burned out Buick LeSabre for a while... (frowns are received) which was okay, that was okay, until uhm... I got hepatitis, you know, 'cause this pimp spit in my mouth and... but I... I got over it and uhm... anyway, now I'm uhm... a freelance massage therapist, uhm... which, you know, isn't always steady money but at least I don't pay taxes, huh... (everyone in the room finds it a bit surreal, which Phoebe realises and starts to talk in the accent again) So... where does everyone summer?
Phoebe: God! God! This is not going well.
Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, okay... Still sure about me being myself?
Phoebe: So Theodore... I uhm... I can see where Mike gets his good looks from...
Phoebe: Yeah... And that physique! You must work out all the time...
Phoebe: Yeah I bet! Look out! (Phoebe punches Theodore right in the stomach)
Phoebe: Oh my God, are you okay?
Phoebe: I'm so sorry!
Phoebe: I really, really am sorry.
Theodore: How could you know. Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach? (Theodore walks out... Mike walks towards Phoebe)
Phoebe: Yes... I'm sorry, I've never met a boyfriends parents before...
Phoebe: Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... She looks nice, I can talk to her.
Phoebe: Yeah... Oh Bitsy, hi. Uhm... listen I just wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight.
Phoebe: Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is.
Phoebe: Well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised. Especially to you. Because he's very respectful of women.
Phoebe: Are you kidding. He is so considerate of my feelings and... you know I think... you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover.
Phoebe: (Mike now enters and stands behind Phoebe) Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong. No, he's not in like a sissy way. No, no, no... when he gets going, he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave...
[Scene: Mike's parents house, the dining room. Mike, Phoebe, Mike's parents and the Angles are there.]
Phoebe: ...and then it goes back to the chorus... Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t / I-t's not your fau-lt. And that's the end of the song... I realise that you didn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes.
Mike: Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved?
Phoebe: Oh, Pervert Parade?
Phoebe: Oh, Ode To A Pubic Hair?
Phoebe: Oh God! Is that veal?
Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, no... That's okay, that's okay... I mean, I'm... I am a vegetarian... except for veal... Yeah no, veal I love...
Mike: Phoebe you don't have to eat...
Phoebe: No, no, no, I actually it's any baby animals: kittens, fish babies... You know... especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fat running through it... (she cuts the meat, picks it up with her fork and holds it in front of her mouth, which she keeps closed, trying to overcome her vegetarian thoughts... and... puts it in her mouth... Clearly not enjoying the meat...) Hmmm... yummy (everybody seems okay with it, except Mike. He's making a hmmmm.... face... Then Phoebe swallows it) Hmmm... (at first she likes it, but then, in an instant puts her hand in front of her mouth and runs from the table. You hear a door slamming.)
[Scene: Mike's parents house. Dining room again. Both Mike and Phoebe are not at the table, but the others still are.]
Mike: All right, stop! You know, all Phoebe has done tonight is trying to get you to like her. And maybe that hasn't been clear all the time, but she did her best. And yeah... She's a little different than you are...
Bitsy: Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth! (Phoebe almost enters the room, but she hears the discussion and waits and evesdrops next to the door-opening.)
Bitsy: The woman you what? (Phoebe overheard what Michael said and now enters the room)
Phoebe: Yeah... The woman you what?
Mike: The woman I love... (he walks to Phoebe) I love you... Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life...
Phoebe: I love you too...
Phoebe: YEAH...! How great is this...? (they kiss)
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe: I had a great time. (accent) It was really top drawer. And here's something rich: thirteen bathrooms in this place... I threw up in the coat closet... Ta taaa...
Rachel: Shake it! (Phoebe, Mike, Chandler, Monica and Joey step in)
Phoebe: (singing) I found you in my bed! Howd you whined up there? You are a mystery! Little black curly hair! Little black curly hair! Little black, little black, little black, little black, little black curly hair
Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over to Rachel.) Hey Rach?
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: (to her) Hi! Im Rachel. This is Phoebe. Im the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?
Phoebe: Who the hell are all these people?
Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz.
Phoebe and Rachel: (to each other) I dont know.
Phoebe: No offence but, yknow sometimes its hard to understand you, yknow with the accent, so
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Phoebe: Fine, Ill go call her.
Phoebe: Its so weird, I have never been fired from anything before!
Phoebe: Youre just so mean to each other! And I dont want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you!
Phoebe: We ruined everything.
Phoebe: (rapidly) Im doing okay. I think its going well. Do you think theyre having fun? Am I talking to fast?
(they sit down and Roy plays "You Make Me Feel" by Sylvester on his boom box, and starts... With his back towards the girls, he starts waving his hands, then backs towards the girls slapping his butt, then swings it around, and makes thrusting pelvic movements in front of Phoebe. He dances around the tables in between all the girls, and gets back into the kitchen part of the room. He then tears off one of his sleeves and throws it towards Monica and Rachel, who fight over who gets it. He then tears off his other sleeve and moves it back and forth between his legs, getting closer to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Yay! I love drunk Monica!
Phoebe: Cassie, are you finding everything okay in there?
Phoebe: I will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book.
Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! Shes not your cousin!
Rachel: Oh My God, Phoebe, thats not Ralph Lauren. Thats Kenny the copy guy.
Phoebe: Sur-surprise.
PHOEBE: Oh yeah, it'll be fun. [throws a tennis ball at Eddie's bedroom door]
Phoebe: Ah-hah! At least we know its a him.
Phoebe: Oh! I wont say, no to a movie!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Phoebe: Hey!
Phoebe: I got married! (everyone applauds) Could someone get me a coat, I'm freaking freezing.
Phoebe: Joeys!
Phoebe: Sure!
Phoebe: Lusts of the flesh.
Phoebe: What is this? Whats going on?
Phoebe: (laughs) Yeah, Im sure that happened.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Phoebe: To Ross.
[Scene: A restaurant, Melissa, Rachel, and Phoebe are talking.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.]
Phoebe: Really?!
Rachel: Thank you Phoebe.
Phoebe: I know.
Phoebe: Cut her out of our lives! Just ignore her calls and dodge her 'till she gets the point!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is watching Bert and Ernie with Ben.]
Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesnt make me sound too good does it?
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Ross: Were still married! Dont tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)
Phoebe: Oh we do, but not just yet.
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Well, its better than us deciding.
Phoebe: What?!
Phoebe: Oh! Yeah! (Monica glares at her.)
Phoebe: Oh, somewhere Joeys head is exploding.
Phoebe: All right. Although I dont think we need one, I never stopped loving you.
Phoebe: Hey!
Phoebe: Yeah, youre right. Hows the Mrs.?
Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) Were engaged!!!
Ross: Phoebe thats not true.
Phoebe: Well, if you really wanna know, I'mOh! I can't tell you this.
Phoebe: Oh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns. (Mike seems to gag a little...and laughs nervously. They begin to leave. Phoebe bolts back)
Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, youre only married in Vegas.
Phoebe: Oh, if thats what you want you then you really should run his head under hot water and bang his head against a table.
Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!
Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!
Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!
Phoebe: No. No! Yes! Ahh. Oh, would you look at that Monica? I just knocked off all of your top scores, how sad.
Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!
Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!
[Time lapse, Phoebe is playing the guitar for Joey.]
Phoebe: So. This has always been Monicas bed, what youre just noticing now, how self-involved are you?
Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!
Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!
Phoebe: No!
PHOEBE: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. [she sticks out her gut, clears her throat and sniffs her nose and then in her best male voice. . .] Dude, 11 o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really good, I think I'm ready for my penis now.
Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
Phoebe: (Looking relieved. She puts down the phone.) Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be alone, and you dont want to talk about it, thats fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and...
Monica: (Start annoying hyper-competitive mode now.) (Jumping up) What don't you just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why dont you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!!
Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and youre soyknow so vanilla.
Phoebe: Ooh.
Phoebe: And why not?!
Phoebe: You're-you're what?!
Phoebe: (starts to leave, but stops) Oh and Chandlers about to cry.
Phoebe: Hey.
Phoebe: Oh!
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe: (To Monica) Oh, thats beautiful.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Phoebe, Im engaged!
Rachel: (humoring Phoebe) Oh my God, he dream-cheated on you!
Joey: Uh, okay Ill-Ill-Ill break it down. (He hands the phone to Phoebe, gets up, picks up a chair, and starts banging it on the floor.)
Phoebe: We're moving in together! Isn't it great! Yay!
Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading a magazine as Tim enters.]
Phoebe: Hey sweetie!
Phoebe: Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain! Dont-dont hurt the puppy.
Phoebe: (sips it) Its so good. (Monica and Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks.
PHOEBE: No. This is what I do for luck, ok.
Phoebe: Hey!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! Im thinking even more than you.
Phoebe: I know. They were mine.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is someone pounding on the door and Phoebe sleepily walks over and answers it. As she nears the door, the pounding stops and she can hear the smoke detectors wail.]