words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-whos Barry and Mindy?
Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isnt that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Rachel: Well why didnt you take the job?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry. Ross Tillman.
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monicas brother!
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.
Rachel: Ohh! Okay!
Rachel: Oh wait, dont you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.
Rachel: But! Dont you have to give him his money back?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (Shes not quite sure of that one.)
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, aredo you, do you still do music?
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
Rachel: Hes coming over! Hes coming over!
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Rachel: (giggles and cant look at him) Hi!
Joey: (shaking Rachels hand) Hi!
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you
Rachel: Ah!
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin?
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Rachel: Hey!
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, yknow, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldnt.
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isnt that a line from the show?!
Rachel: Thats a line from the show too!
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
Chandler: Its not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Yknow I just wish we could be like on a break!
Rachel: Oh, its so easy for you I mean, youre not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Rachel: Monica. Youve, youve done it right?
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old virgin!
Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, youve waited long enough!!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Monica: Rachel! Im never gonna think its okay for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joeys phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! Its Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Rachel: Ohh, I mean its just so realistic!
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom?
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God yknow, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbianis apartment
Rachel: Yeah, it sure is!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey(She falls off the couch)Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
Rachel: Yeah?
Rachel: Wow! I cant, I cant feel my hands.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I cant believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Rachel: Noo! Oh God we didwe didnt, we didnt uhh
Rachel: God Im just a horrible person.
Rachel: Because Im married. Thats right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV stars apartment to have an affair! Uck!
Rachel: Yeah and Im a horrible, horrible person.
Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me
Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah.
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Rachel: No! No-no-no
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprices undying love for her brother.
Rachel: Yeah!
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!!
Rachel: Oh thats right! Im sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel: Hi Ross!
Ross: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that Im looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Rachel: Sit down!
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Rachel: Oh. (Doesnt believe it.)
Rachel: Who are these men?
Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
Rachel: Im sorry your wife is gay. I guess women arent that great either.
(Monica passes the Envelopes on to Ross, Joey and Rachel.)
Rachel: (not sure what to do) Uh, it was very nice meeting you. (They continue to ignore her.)
Rachel: Hes downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.
Ross: (Yells) Damnit! (Goes to the door to leave. Rachel just enters, sees him and starts laughing)
RACHEL: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. . .
Rachel: Oh, well, she’s asleep now. Stop forcing that thing on her.
Rachel: Joey, just-just he-hes new in town and I know he doesnt have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. Ill really appreciate it.
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey is in the kitchen and the telephone rings.]
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's. Emma is in her bed and Ross and Rachel are rapping and dancing for her.]
Monica: Ok fine. I'll handle this. (goes to Phoebe who's talking to Rachel) Phoebe?
Phoebe: You’re just so mean to each other! And I don’t want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you!
Rachel: (jerks back from the tester) What?!
[Scene: Pauls Cabin, Paul and Rachel are sitting on the couch drinking wine and talking.]
Rachel: Sandy made Madeleines.
Rachel: (laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!
Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing.
Joey: (after Ross is gone) What is he doing? What, Emily, thinks Ross's furniture has got Rachel coodies?
(Ross leaves to do so and Rachel enters with a guy.)
Rachel: Yeah, yeah... It's... "climax your way to better skin".
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea.]
Rachel: Wow, everything looks so good! I think I'm gonna have the chicken.
[Scene: Rachel's room. Rachel is attending to Emma. Amy is standing behind her.]
Paul: Let me just see if I got this straight. I tell you to stay away from my daughter or Ill have you fired. What you heard was, "Take my daughter, come up to my country house, and ruin my weekend with Rachel!"
Rachel: Oh Amy, don't cry Amy. Um.. Ross, could I talk to you in private?
Rachel: All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do it for my career!
Rachel: Ish. I just don�t think I can bear it.
Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
Rachel: Oh, nothing, hes just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore.
Rachel: No, I know I dont either, but ya know what, its their party, and its just one night. And we dont even have to lie; we just wont say anything. If it comes up again, well just smile. Well nod along.
Rachel: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. (Chandler makes an 'Ewww' face) Okay, I'm late for work.
Rachel: That sounds great! Id love to live at Warrens!! I love Warren! Thank you!
Phoebe: Okay, I just thought of the perfect guy for Rachel to take to her thing.
Rachel: Only like a month!
Rachel: (interrupting) Relaxi-Taxi!
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachels hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]
Rachel: I dont know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, itll die.
Rachel: (to Tag) Hi.
Joey: No-no, I cant! I cant! Not after the other night, its just its too weird, okay? Dont tell her Im here! (Turns to run to the bathroom and his bagel falls off the plate onto the floor.) Dont eat that! (Runs to the bathroom as Rachel enters.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is returning from having removed Rachels panties.]
Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.
Rachel: Why did you invite him?? I can't stand that guy!
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history
Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago! (To the stenographer) And could you strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record?
(He closes the door again. Once again, Rachel knocks (harder this time) and he answers it.)
(Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the chair. They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in shock and surprise.)
Rachel: I... I... I... (again saying something that cannot be understood)
RACHEL and MONICA: One two three. [Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors]
Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! Im sure. First of all, okay, theres the feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel nods her head in unsure agreement) My Mothers favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joey thinks he understands, but then nods that he has no clue.) Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an Oh my God. gesture) Oh, I havent seen this smile in 17 years!
Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh, yeah, ok. Let me just grab my night vision goggles and my stun gun.
Ross: And Im sure youre gonna make a big impression. Hi! Im Rachel Green. Its nice to meet you. (He lifts his leg and imitates shaking hands with it, just like how Rachel was trying to pick up the aspirin with her feet.) Come on, you probably have a broken rib!
Rachel: Nope! (She puts one in her mouth and spits it out, then does it again in another direction.)
Rachel: IOhh! (Moves over and lets Eldad sit on the couch.)
Rachel: Yeah so get ready to hear alot of ehm...boohaki, goshdarnit and brotherpucker.
Rachel: Oh, I don't think she likes the new Hugsy.
Rachel: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctors there.
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica are arriving to talk to Ross after the lecture, but are there early.]
Chandler: (smiling at Monica) Right. (to Rachel) So how're you doing?
PHOEBE: (imitating Rachel) "Oh, I have to get my number back.� Oh my God.� He's gone."� (smiles) Dead on.
(Rachel tries to stop mid-swing, and the swing starts to turn from side to side)
Phoebe: No, okay, youre right. Youre easy-going. Youre just not as easy-going as Rachel. Shes just more flexible and-and mellow. Thats all.
Rachel: Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine.
[Cut to later, Phoebe is still in the chair and Rachel is laying down as Monica enters.]
[Scene: The Auditorium, Ross and Rachel are about to... you know.]
Rachel: Where am I gonna get a cowgirl outfit on Thanksgiving?
Rachel: Its all gonna be okay. Theyre just so happy that Im not suing them that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave. So long as I understand that the money should not construed as a down payment on this or any other child I should bear.
Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally...
Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!
Rachel: Phoebe! It's 6 o'clock in the morning! Why aren't you at Gary's?
Rachel: Well, you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our relationship!!
Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean yknow, I dont know about you buy I havent thought about our thing since all this.
Rachel: Okay, um, I...(Phoebe walks into her room.) All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you.
Rachel: Why hasnt he called Rachel? Why? Why? I dont understand. Why? He said hell call. Why? Why? Chandler Im telling you she has flipped out, shes gone crazy!
TERRY: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.
Rachel: Well look, if you dont like this (The audiences laughter at Chandlers progress cuts out the rest of Rachels line.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hi! It's me. And soup. (to Rachel) Hey, I just saw Josh, he looks so yummy in your leather jacket.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a fruit drink in the blender, Rachel has just finished her shower and is coming out of the bathroom.]
Rachel: See look Amy, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully honey, you don't seem very connected to the baby.
Rachel: All right! (Throws them back under the cushion.)
Rachel: (scoffs at him) Yeah, thats gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest. Well I (leans into the microphone again) I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.
[cut to later, Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Tim are watching the football game, and they all cheer loudly.]
Rachel: I woke up today with the biggest smile on my face.
(Rachel calmly wipes the spittle off her face.)
Rachel: (in a tearful voice) Oh... Oh boy... (she turns around and sees Ross) Hi...
Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women?
Joey: Well.. hey, you know what else I could use? There's a scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia's bedroom, and she doesn't know he's there - which never happened with us! And he knows he shouldn't be there, but he just wants to look at her... you know? (In a romantic voice) And I remember all those mornings before you even put on your make-up, when I would think to myself, my God, she...is... beautiful... (Rachel looks very moved) and it hurts so much, cuz I knew I could never tell you (pauses, while looking at her with sentiment) but it was worth it just to be there looking at you.
Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.
RACHEL: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, and now Rachel are organizing CDs.]
Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.
Rachel: (stunned) Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot!
[Scene: Joeys Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who's played by Ben Stiller who will be in There's Something About Mary and Meet The Parents, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]
Ross: What? Oh yeah. (He moves next to her head.) Im sorry. I mean I-I think I went a little crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I (Wanders towards Rachels feet) reallyI should have been thinking about you Rach
Rachel: Oh my God, I'm starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel.
Rachel: No! Yknow what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculousWere gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)
[Scene: Barry's Office, Rachel and Barry are getting dressed.]
Rachel: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge step down!
Rachel: (crying) No, I know! I get it! Its funny!
Rachel: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! Joshua! Josh.