words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-whos Barry and Mindy?
Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isnt that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Rachel: Well why didnt you take the job?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry. Ross Tillman.
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monicas brother!
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.
Rachel: Ohh! Okay!
Rachel: Oh wait, dont you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.
Rachel: But! Dont you have to give him his money back?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (Shes not quite sure of that one.)
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, aredo you, do you still do music?
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
Rachel: Hes coming over! Hes coming over!
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Rachel: (giggles and cant look at him) Hi!
Joey: (shaking Rachels hand) Hi!
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you
Rachel: Ah!
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin?
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Rachel: Hey!
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, yknow, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldnt.
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isnt that a line from the show?!
Rachel: Thats a line from the show too!
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
Chandler: Its not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Yknow I just wish we could be like on a break!
Rachel: Oh, its so easy for you I mean, youre not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Rachel: Monica. Youve, youve done it right?
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old virgin!
Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, youve waited long enough!!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Monica: Rachel! Im never gonna think its okay for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joeys phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! Its Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Rachel: Ohh, I mean its just so realistic!
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom?
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God yknow, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbianis apartment
Rachel: Yeah, it sure is!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey(She falls off the couch)Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
Rachel: Yeah?
Rachel: Wow! I cant, I cant feel my hands.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I cant believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Rachel: Noo! Oh God we didwe didnt, we didnt uhh
Rachel: God Im just a horrible person.
Rachel: Because Im married. Thats right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV stars apartment to have an affair! Uck!
Rachel: Yeah and Im a horrible, horrible person.
Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me
Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah.
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Rachel: No! No-no-no
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprices undying love for her brother.
Rachel: Yeah!
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!!
Rachel: Oh thats right! Im sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel: Hi Ross!
Ross: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that Im looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Rachel: Sit down!
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Rachel: Oh. (Doesnt believe it.)
Rachel: Who are these men?
Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
Rachel: Im sorry your wife is gay. I guess women arent that great either.
Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime.
Rachel: Hey! You guys umm, I want you to meet Sebastian.
Rachel: Phoebe, dont you think youve had enough to drink?
Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you dont spend the whole day on the Materhorn.
Rachel: Ooh, I miss dating. Gettin all dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant. Im not gonna be able to do that for so long, and its so much fun! I mean not that sitting at home worrying about giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not fun.
Ross: Hey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now and I really, I just have to get it out.
Rachel: (talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh. (Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently) Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!
Monica: On three, 1 2 3! (Rachel turns her head on three to avoid the drops.) Now my pillow's all wet! (She was trying to fool Rachel and squeezed the eyedropper.)
Rachel: Yeah. It was the weirdest thing. Zelner called me and he said we'll do everything we can to get you back. And that I should thank some Ron... I don't even know what department that guy's in.
Rachel: Well, what about Mindy?
Big Nosed Rachel: Guess what?! All that stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over to my house tonight!
Rachel: Well, isnt that a good thing? You said you were sick of this.
Rachel: I dont wanna hear "Three failed marriages!"
Rachel: Be-because I didn't want him to think I was stupid! I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you!
Rachel: Okay. Okay, great! Umm, okay, just turn around.
Chandler: Rachel... with handcuffs! Interesting! (he looks excited)
Monica: I sure do! (She runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop.) (To Rachel) And you don't get one!
Rachel: I lent them to Ross.
Melissa: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts knockin together I (Phoebe is shocked.) I just didnt want to tell you cause I didnt think that youd return my love, and now that you have (Leans in to kiss Rachel.)
(We see through the big window from the outside and see that Monica and Rachel have pictures of their faces pasted onto cardboard cutouts of Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth wearing their Baywatch swimsuits.)
Rachel: Ok. (Phoebe starts to walk in the opposite direction though. Rachel sees and follows her) Wha...? where? Where are you going?
(Ross wakes up with a start and startles Rachel. The guy next to him starts laughing, which starts Ross laughing, Rachel gives him a look and he stops.)
Rachel: (Looking through her purse.) Okay, you know what? I dont have it, but I can tell you exactly where it is on my night stand, and...okay. But you know what? I have my drivers license and I have a twenty. (She slides it across the counter.)
Rachel: Listen, my mum is not bringing the baby back until nine o� clock. So I was hoping you and I could have achance to kind of talk� somebody here?
Ross: You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. (Rachel has moved closer, but hearing that she starts to back up.) Was there a second of all?
Rachel: Oh honey, come on, Im sorry, I didnt.... I dont mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom.
Rachel: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. (She does the finger thing.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is pouring Mark some coffee.]
Rachel: Thats right, still no baby! (To Monica, Joey, and Chandler on the couch) Come on people! Please make some room!
Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.
Rachel: So I'll bring her by around seven? Is that okay?
RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing [a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table] OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. [hangs up] OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. [grabs a pot and lid] OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. [puts pot over the pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the door] It's open you guys.
Phoebe: Yeah, but theres a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. Thats four years. Chandlers not gonna wait that long. Hes gonna find somebody else, yknow? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network primetime programming, we didn't see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes she didn't have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a little while and ]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]
Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat!
Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel)
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Rachel is packing what she still has over there as Ross enters.]
Rachel: (checks her watch) Fifty-two minutes. (Pause) So no-no brothers and sisters, huh? That must be nice. You dont have to share stuff.
Rachel: It’s a standard issue bra clasp!
Rachel: Irrational, huh? All right, well, I’ll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment!
Chandler: Let me finish ... (to everyone else) however, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!! (takes tickets from Rachel)
Rachel: Okay? Whoa, wait! (She undoes one button on Phoebe's dress.)
(Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class)
Rachel: I dont know, I dont know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break.
Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
Rachel: Well, why doesnt he practice with a girl?
Rachel: Diane Keeton.
Dr. Green: (on phone, not hearing her) theres gonna be a wedding! (Joey enters from his room and goes to get a beer from the fridge.) Thats unacceptable Rachel! What the hell does love have to do with it anyway?! There are more important things in a marriage other than love! (Joey hears something and looks around for the source.) constantly thinking about things! You have to think about the consequences of your decision. (Joey finds that the sound is coming from the phone and puts it to his ear.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are preparing to leave for the funeral.]
Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that's leaving.) Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas.
Rachel: Ok well, I heard that! Which means that she heard it too!
Rachel: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to that... Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, y'know? It was comfortable, it was familiar... it was just nice!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is closing the door on the tarantula cage.]
Rachel: Bye. (Ross exits.) Ahhh (Silence) So this is fun, huh?
Chandler: What do you want from me, Ive never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, Im sorry you cant stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandlers back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, Ive got to wake up!
Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were- with somebody.
Rachel: So whos idea was it to put everybody in the diner on skates?
Rachel: Ross is coming over. I think now would be a really good time to talk to him.
Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Good boy. Good boy. C'mere, gimme the rice. (Marcel brings the rice) Thank you, good boy. Well, I see he's finally mastered the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in the'. (Rachel ignores him) 'Bring me the' and- Rach?
Rachel: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros!
Monica: (breaking it up) Uh Rachel? Rachel, why dont you sit here? (Next to Joey) And Will you sit way over there. (The other side of the table.)
Rachel: Wow! Mon, thanks! I love this plate!
Rachel: (reading) 'Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.'
Rachel: Well, it was just something Josh said about v-necks, but you had to be there.
ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me. RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . . ROSS: C'mon Rachel. RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair. ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said. RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair] [Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone] PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information. [hangs up] [Phoebe's grandmother enters] GRANDMOTHER: Hey. PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name. GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going? PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math. GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin. PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know. GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived. PHOEBE: Whattaya mean? GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab. PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you. GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab. PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein]
Ross: Okay. (He sits her down in a chair.) Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. Thats been one heck of a see-saw hasnt it?
Rachel: Oh you know what? When I was a little girl I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh I loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I would braid her tail...
Rachel: Ohh, I like swimmers bodies!
Rachel: Whoa-whoa-whoa, lets say more!
[Cut to Monica and Rachel at their table.]
Rachel: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.
(Joey and Rachel continue to look at each other in silence for a while)
Rachel: Oh we were, but that was just a (pause as the audience reacts), I mean that was just a big drunken mistake.
Rachel: Um, seven e-e-eight, eight years. Wow.
Ross: OK! Last night after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony.
[Scene: Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and Rachel are coming down the stairs and Rachel has on a coat to make it look as if she's just getting back. But just as they reach the landing they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest, Rachel then quickly pulls Monica back up the stairs.]
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing her checkbook as Joey enters from his room wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin guards.]
Rachel: I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really a good person.
Rachel: Oh my God! You got her to stop crying!
[Cut the hallway, Rachel is exited from Monicas when the door closes on her skirt.]
Rachel: Noo! (Laughs) Angels.
Rachel: O-oh my God!
Monica: My God, Rachel, I cant believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Ohh, Im so jealous. (Chandler looks at her.)
[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.]
Rachel: Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebes bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebes handbag.)
Rachel: (Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick up the couch. Much to her amazement, she is successful.) Oh. Oh! I can do it!
Rachel: Y-Yeah! What-what is your wifes name?
Rachel: Yeah, I didnt want you to get hit by the boom!
Rachel: I have so got it. Theres gonna be rumours about this, theres no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) married a lesbian, (points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey) threw a girls wooden leg in a fire, (points to Chandler) livin in a box!! (goes to her room)
Rachel: Well I just came...(She touches him near his heart. Shes almost in tears.) I just needed to tell you...(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can barely hold back the tears.)
Rachel: Well obviously I wont be able to come, for those of you who havent checked their calendars today is my due date. Well yknow, I just want to take a moment and thank you guys for how great youve been during this time. I really couldnt have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant.
Ross: All right then. (Gets up, in an announcers voice) Rachel Green! Lets play Bamboozled! (Reading from a note card.) How do you test the temperature of the babys bath water?
[Scene: The museum planetarium. Ross and Rachel enter on stage.]
Rachel: (sexily) Hi officer, was I going a little too fast?
Ross: Oh, thanks Gunther. (He takes it, hands the plate it's on to Rachel, sets it down on the table, and proceeds to pound it into oblivion while saying.) STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!!!!!!!