words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-whos Barry and Mindy?
Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isnt that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Rachel: Well why didnt you take the job?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry. Ross Tillman.
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monicas brother!
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.
Rachel: Ohh! Okay!
Rachel: Oh wait, dont you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.
Rachel: But! Dont you have to give him his money back?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (Shes not quite sure of that one.)
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, aredo you, do you still do music?
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
Rachel: Hes coming over! Hes coming over!
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Rachel: (giggles and cant look at him) Hi!
Joey: (shaking Rachels hand) Hi!
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you
Rachel: Ah!
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin?
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Rachel: Hey!
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, yknow, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldnt.
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isnt that a line from the show?!
Rachel: Thats a line from the show too!
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
Chandler: Its not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Yknow I just wish we could be like on a break!
Rachel: Oh, its so easy for you I mean, youre not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Rachel: Monica. Youve, youve done it right?
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old virgin!
Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, youve waited long enough!!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Monica: Rachel! Im never gonna think its okay for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joeys phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! Its Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Rachel: Ohh, I mean its just so realistic!
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom?
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God yknow, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbianis apartment
Rachel: Yeah, it sure is!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey(She falls off the couch)Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
Rachel: Yeah?
Rachel: Wow! I cant, I cant feel my hands.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I cant believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Rachel: Noo! Oh God we didwe didnt, we didnt uhh
Rachel: God Im just a horrible person.
Rachel: Because Im married. Thats right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV stars apartment to have an affair! Uck!
Rachel: Yeah and Im a horrible, horrible person.
Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me
Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah.
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Rachel: No! No-no-no
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprices undying love for her brother.
Rachel: Yeah!
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!!
Rachel: Oh thats right! Im sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel: Hi Ross!
Ross: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that Im looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Rachel: Sit down!
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Rachel: Oh. (Doesnt believe it.)
Rachel: Who are these men?
Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
Rachel: Im sorry your wife is gay. I guess women arent that great either.
Rachel: Y'know Ross why dont you put that on your answering machine!
Rachel: You mean the one that youre wearing? (Adjusts Monicas pink bra strap as Monica looks down her shirt.)
Rachel: Well, yknow he lost his keys so he was looking for them
Rachel: Really Joey?
Rachel: Yeah.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel and Phoebe are having dinner with Dr. Green, and everyone is looking at the menu.]
Rachel: Oh, he's just goofing around.
Rachel: Thank you.
Rachel: You guys, theres a little girl in Soho looking for this cat. I mean, you know what that means?!
Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.
RACHEL: I did not sell you out.
Rachel: And so were-were you close to your parents?
Rachel: Dont!! (Joey backs away frightened.) (To Jill) Honey, what are you doing here?!
Rachel: (to Ross) Whats your problem?
Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.
Rachel: Oh my God!! Great!
Rachel: Oh please, you inhale your food!
Rachel: How do you know that? What if it just gets worse and worse and worse, to the point where we cant even be in the same room with each other?!
Rachel: Yeah...(sigh)....OK. Where were we? Oh, OK... five card draw, uh... jacks or better... nothing wild, everybody ante.
[Scene: Fortunata Fashions, Rachels new job.]
Phoebe: Pretty big? Its huge! God, this guy doesnt have a clue! Hes just walking down the street thinking, I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock! then bam! Hes a father and everythings different.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are entering.]
Rachel: All right.
Rachel: (now standing behind Ross) Ross!
Rachel: Yeah?
Rachel: Thank you.
Rachel: We use it!!
Rachel: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something.
Rachel: Oh yeah, sure, that too.
Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them.
Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job-
Isabella: Arent you with that girl over there? (points at Rachel, who waves back)
Ross: No the mans right, thats what I had with Rachel.
[Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.]
Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat.
Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday
Joey: No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops seeing us!
Rachel: So you know how to fix it?
Rachel: (Gasps) Phoebe are you serious?
Rachel: (throws her stuff down) I was gonna give you a chance to apologise to me.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Dina and Rachel are reading pregnancy books, Dina Pregnancy for Dummies and Rachel something else.]
[Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself to move and is now helping Monica. Phoebe is still on the chair.]
Rachel: Hi!!
Phoebe and Rachel: No, we never do that
Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.)
Barry: (into intercom) Thanks, Bernice. (To Rachel) Let's go away this weekend.
Rachel: Ross, what are you talking about? (she sees the cake) oh! Oh my God! They put my baby’s face on a penis!
RACHEL: Actually, what I think you said was, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen."
Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is still on hold.]
RACHEL: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's not my dress.
Chandler: I think she looks cute. (Rachel turns around and stares at him angrily) ... but I am wrong!
Rachel: Thank you.
Rachel: Oh, okay.
Rachel: Wow! Umm....
Rachel: He got all weird and sputtery and then he said uh, "Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch."
Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to MonWhoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?
Rachel: Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom, career... You gotta get out there.
Rachel: I know.
RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.
Rachel: Hi! You guys, the car-service just got here. I can't believe they're not home yet! I have to catch my stupid plane. I wanna see the baby!
Rachel (on the phone): No, no, this is not what I ordered. Ok? I went all the way to New Jersey so that I could have the perfect cake for my daughter’s birthday and I need a bunny cake, right now!
Rachel: Hi!
Rachel: Yeah?
Rachel: Good.
Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What?
Rachel: Well, that shouldnt be a problem. I mean I work in fashion and all I meet are eligible straight men.
Rachel: You know how much I love that T-shirt! You never even where that T-shirt!
Rachel: No. Ross, it, it just seems that y'know its time we-we y'know, move on. I mean, I mean dont you think?
Rachel: Huh?
Rachel: Small...
RACHEL: You want me to see a therapist?
Rachel: Petty...
Rachel: What do you think Monica mean when she said she didnt want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing.
Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! Theres some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. (to them) Hey sisters! (They ignore her.) (To Monica) Wow, we really are bitches.
Rachel: So what?! Yknow what? The way I see it(Phoebe pulls out a hair from the back of her head)Ow! Son of a bitch!!
Monica: (telling Chandler the seating arrangement) Okay so this is where the band is. (Points.) And this is where the bar is. (Points) And all these pins have peoples names on them. (She has pins to show the seating at each of the tables.) And Rach, here you are. (Points to Rachels place.)
Ross: (on phone) Hi, is Rachel there?
Rachel: Yeah, you know what we should all do? We should play that game where everyone says one thing that they're thankful for.
[Rachel comes out of her apartment, followed by Mark, and they leave on their date, without saying a word to Ross. Ross is stunned.]
Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.)
Rachel: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody new?
Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife.
Rachel: Well, I-I-I don't know how this fits into your whole "seizing" thing but um, Emily called you today.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.]
Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned?
Rachel: Y'know what?
Rachel: I cant do this.
Rachel: You sure?
Rachel: It depends on who asked.
Rachel: I know... Honey, seriously, I did it all. The luggage that I'm taking is in the bedroom, this is Emma's Paris stuff, these are the boxes that I'm having shipped, and that's the sandwich that I made for the plane...
Rachel: God, Im not lame, okay. I can do something. I can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is my game too.
[Scene: Joshuas parents apartment, Rachel and Joshua are entering.]
Rachel: Oh, Mon, sure.
Rachel: Yes. (Pause) Youre not asking are you?
Rachel: Yes! Totally!
Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!
[Rachels boss, Joanna, enters]
Rachel: Hey, Sophie!
Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, whats wrong with him?