words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-whos Barry and Mindy?
Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isnt that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Rachel: Well why didnt you take the job?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry. Ross Tillman.
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monicas brother!
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.
Rachel: Ohh! Okay!
Rachel: Oh wait, dont you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.
Rachel: But! Dont you have to give him his money back?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (Shes not quite sure of that one.)
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, aredo you, do you still do music?
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
Rachel: Hes coming over! Hes coming over!
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Rachel: (giggles and cant look at him) Hi!
Joey: (shaking Rachels hand) Hi!
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you
Rachel: Ah!
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin?
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Rachel: Hey!
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, yknow, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldnt.
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isnt that a line from the show?!
Rachel: Thats a line from the show too!
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
Chandler: Its not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Yknow I just wish we could be like on a break!
Rachel: Oh, its so easy for you I mean, youre not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Rachel: Monica. Youve, youve done it right?
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old virgin!
Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, youve waited long enough!!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Monica: Rachel! Im never gonna think its okay for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joeys phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! Its Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Rachel: Ohh, I mean its just so realistic!
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom?
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God yknow, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbianis apartment
Rachel: Yeah, it sure is!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey(She falls off the couch)Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
Rachel: Yeah?
Rachel: Wow! I cant, I cant feel my hands.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I cant believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Rachel: Noo! Oh God we didwe didnt, we didnt uhh
Rachel: God Im just a horrible person.
Rachel: Because Im married. Thats right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV stars apartment to have an affair! Uck!
Rachel: Yeah and Im a horrible, horrible person.
Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me
Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah.
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Rachel: No! No-no-no
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprices undying love for her brother.
Rachel: Yeah!
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!!
Rachel: Oh thats right! Im sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel: Hi Ross!
Ross: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that Im looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Rachel: Sit down!
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Rachel: Oh. (Doesnt believe it.)
Rachel: Who are these men?
Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
Rachel: Im sorry your wife is gay. I guess women arent that great either.
RACHEL: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this.
RACHEL: You didn't get it?
RACHEL: Why didn't you get it?
(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)
Rachel: No, you know what, I think you should go.
RACHEL: Oh.
RACHEL: Is Ross here?
Rachel: Oh, wait, Joshua! Joshua! (Pause) (Comes back inside) Yeah, well, that oughta do it.
RACHEL: Oh, well, you know, they're just separated so, you know, never know, we'll see.
RACHEL: What? You didn't get one.
Joey says "Ichiban". It displays a few girls dancing around and Joey fills most of the screen, he puts something blue on his lips and smacks them saying "Lipstick For Men!" It goes on to show him playing a guitar and putting on more blue lipstick. In the end he says seductively "Ichiban... Lipstick For Men" and "Sahiko" and it ends. Chandler and Rachel are speechless.)
Rachel: And my veil was lace, made by blind, Belgium nuns.
RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate!
RACHEL: Really?
Rachel: Yeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, you're gonna lose bladder control. (she starts sobbing) God! It's just such a magical time!
RACHEL: Well?
RACHEL: I guess.
Rachel: Oh my God! How long has she been crying?
Rachel: Dealer takes two. (she deals herself two cards) What do you bet?
Rachel: whhh wait, you're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats?
RACHEL: What are you, what are you doin'?
RACHEL: Thank you.
RACHEL: I didn't know that.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone except Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a magazine.]
Rachel: Ugh, Monica I dont want to steal your stupid thunder!
Rachel: All right let me see. (grabs the card) Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel?
RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet.
RACHEL: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours?
Pete: Well, if that were true, Id dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. (to Rachel) Come on, you think she should go out with me, dont you?
Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete misunderstanding! (Ross puts his arms around her and they act all sweetness and light)
Rachel: Okay, now what was that all about? Is it-does it not taste good? Let me try it.
[ Scene: The freeway. Rachel is driving Monica's Porsche, while using her mobile phone. Ross is sitting next to her.]
Mindy: (to Rachel) You did it twice?
RACHEL: What's goin' on?
Rachel: Well, dont look at me! My hairs straight! Straight! Straight! Straight!
RACHEL: [sarcastically] I've never wanted you more.
Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway yknow what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. (She goes into her office.)
TERRY: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?
RACHEL: Fine, I will.
[Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.]
RACHEL: Oh yeah.
RACHEL: Well I love you too.
Rachel: Just get out! Now!!
Rachel: Yeah, I did, but y'know what? I am really, really trying to cut back, y'know? (Laughs) Good luck, Rach.
RACHEL: Yes it is.
Rachel: Oh yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? Okay, well let me make this a just a little bit easier for you.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.]
Rachel: No! Joey, oh youre so sweet. Youre so-so sweet, honey. But Im not, Im not looking for a husband.
Rachel: What, what, wait a minute! You haven�t even told her you were a doctor, yet? How long have you known her, likean hour?
RACHEL: Well you better.
Rachel: Yknow what? No. Its not over until someone says, "I do." (Exits)
Rachel: Look, Charlie, I just want you to know. Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting to the thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally doesn't drink like this.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen counter and Ross enters from Rachel and Emma's room.]
Rachel: I will not! Im the divisional head of mens sportswear!
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey's home alone, reading a Sports Illustrated magazine when Chandler enters.]
RACHEL: Oh my God.
[Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler what happened with Rachel.]
Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (Takes phone) Bon giorno, caro mio.
RACHEL: Would you guys stop.
Rachel: No, so I dont have to get married until Im 33! Thats three years, thats three whole yearsOh, wait a minute though. Ill need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and Id like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged Which means I need to meet the guy by the time Im thirty.
Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise you twenty. (throws it in)
(Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.)
ROY: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip pins Monica's corsage on, Monica then turns and whispers to Rachel]
PHOEBE: Rachel.
Rachel: (looking at picture) Hey he's wearing a sweater.
RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.
RACHEL: So what happens next?
Rachel: I still dont get how you know when its false labour.
RACHEL: Great set tonight Phoebs.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Could be Rachel asking if someone could baby-sit again.
Rachel: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldnt have a bag, I justit's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, (Pause) controversial.
Chandler: Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? Rachel came over to borrow something.
Rachel: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I dont like guys with boring jobs.
Rachel: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. Nevermind.
Rachel: When a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time to wait before you make a move?
RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.
Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (Sits down beside her) I love you the most.
Ross: Wh-haa-haa! Look what cha did! (Rachel has her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.)
RACHEL: Well, there's you.
Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys.
Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.
RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil.
Mark: Ive kinda of had this ah, this crush on you. (Rachel is shocked) But since you were with Ross, I-I didnt do anything about it. But, now that youre not, Id really like to ask you out sometime. So-so thats-thats what Im doing, now.
Rachel: Maybe. I-I don't knowOh God, how could I be so stupid?!
RACHEL: Oh my God, honey that's great.
RACHEL: Oh, hi.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting there and Monica walks in.]
RACHEL: Rock-paper-scissors?
Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come together?
Rachel: Well yknow, its you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff! Yknow? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I guess Im not upset because I dont see you guys going through with it. Im sorry.
RACHEL: Honey.
ROSS: What, what oh....[Ross and Rachel go into her room]
Rachel: Yeah, yknow what? Dont look at it. (Realizes the display is their living room) Seriously, dont look at it. (Tries to pull Phoebe away.)
RACHEL: Oh good.
Dr. Mitchell: (Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell.
RACHEL: So, he's on the show, he knows what happens.
Rachel: Oh! Good thing Chandlers not here, he always wins at this game.
RACHEL: Joey.
Rachel: Uh, he took the SAT's for me.
Rachel: Come on Phoebe! Dont be such a goodie-goodie!