words in movies
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasnt he cheating on you with her?
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isnt that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadnt realized she was a lesbian.
Joey: (starts to imagine it) I cant. I keep seeing it the good way.
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldnt be dating me, thats for sure.
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? Id probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my jobs fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I dont have to wear a tie.
Rachel: Well why didnt you take the job?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: Is-isnt it the best?
Rachel: Oh wait, dont you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Ross: No, its okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I dont
Rachel: But! Dont you have to give him his money back?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I dont need any assistance in there, take a break!
Rachel: (giggles and cant look at him) Hi!
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didnt just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I cant call my office theyll kill me! I cant call my clients theyll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I cant breathe.
Ross: Come on Pheebs, its not that bad! Yknow most people would be excited if they didnt have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: Most people dont like their jobs, I love my job! I have not been working for three hours and Im already going crazy. I miss Joan.
Phoebe: I dont know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "Im with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "Im lost and I cant find food."
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, yknow, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldnt.
Joey: Why? (In Drakes voice.) Why cant the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isnt that a line from the show?!
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why dont we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why dont you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!
Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life I was thinking, maybe I dont know, we could try some-some new things. Yknow? For fun?
Ross: Well I dont know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carols shocked and obviously doesnt like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesnt like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, yknow we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Chandler: Oh you wouldnt uh, care. Its just a stupid comic book story.
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Monica: Well, yknow its none of my business, but arent you married?
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And dont think I dont, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Monica: Say it louder, I dont think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she cant come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
Ross: She doesnt know she was fired yet, does she?
Phoebe: I know! But if I didnt work there, what else would I do?
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Joey: Yeah, lifes pretty great isnt it?
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didnt know! Okay!
Monica: I cant promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
Susan: Oh, I wouldnt miss it for the world.
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like hes here. (Imitates him.) "Heres some little known facts about cous-cous. They didnt add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Monica: You dont want to know what tonight was.
Rachel: Wow! I cant, I cant feel my hands.
Chandler: We cant do this.
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, yknow? Because youve been waiting a very long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I cant believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Rachel: Noo! Oh God we didwe didnt, we didnt uhh
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Ross: Look, its just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I werent here?"
Joey: Yeah, you dont want that.
Monica: Oh I cant. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Dont worry about me, Ill be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)
Arthur: (To another coworker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didnt you get fired?
Phoebe: Uh, I dont think so!
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didnt get that message. So this doesnt countAnyway, Ill be in my office.
Jack: Uh, Phoebe you-you dont have an office.
Ross: Didnt you spend last night at Joeys?
Ross: Look I-I dont know whats going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Rachel: Oh. (Doesnt believe it.)
Ross: She is not (Realizes) Shes gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I cant believe this.
Rachel: Im sorry your wife is gay. I guess women arent that great either.
Chandler: Because you shouldnt be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me.
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Chandler: I know you probably dont want to go out with me, yknow because I make too many jokes and Ive never been in a serious relationship and I guess Im not technically a "doctor "
Monica: There was just one woman, wasnt there?
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see One of them wont do it, but the second one will set you free Tell all your hate and anger, its time to say good-bye And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die! La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Ross: Look, I-I know its not a proposal and I dont know where you are, but with everything thats been going on and with Emma and Ive been feeling
Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she wont be able to fit into it.
Ross: Okay here, have one of these peppers. Oh ha Oh God! So so hot! (Rubs his eyes.) Oh my(Laughs.) By the way, you dont want to touch the pepper and then touch your eye.
Chandler: I walk into a room and he wont even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words.
Rachel: Im funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, Ive got a ton of these! Umm, oh hearDo you want a good one? Heres a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you say to person, I bet you cant roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, theyre left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face.
Rachel: Honey see, it doesnt mean that I dont love you. Because I do. I love you, I love you so much. But my work its-its for me y'know, Im out there, on my own, and Im doing it and its scary but I love it, because its mine. I, but, I mean is that okay?
Rachel: (Looking through her purse.) Okay, you know what? I dont have it, but I can tell you exactly where it is on my night stand, and...okay. But you know what? I have my drivers license and I have a twenty. (She slides it across the counter.)
Rachel: Honey dont worry, it was my mistake.
Joey: Well, I think its ridiculous that you havent had sex in three and a half months.
Monica: (closing the door) Its unbelievable! I-I cant believe that sign didnt work!
Monica: I cant do it! (Ross falls into Monicas room)
Monica: Wait a minute, why dont you just call Mark. (they both look up in shock) I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him, youve got to make stuff happen.
Joey: I dont care. Phoebes Phoebe. Ursulas... hot!
Monica: Honey, we dont really have to go to this thing tonight do we?
Chandler: Look you have to realize I dont think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is youre Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
Monica: I swear I didnt. (To Ross and Will) Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?
Monica: That didnt work on mom, its not going to work on us.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, thats the word I use when I cant remember the real thing.
Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldnt wait on you tonight! (Runs off.)
Cecilia: (walking up) Youre absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They dont know exactly when its going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and thats it.
Monica: It sure is nice to do this together, isnt it?
Kathy: Oh, wow. I cant believe youre throwing that in my face.
Joey: Come on baby, dont go. Please? What do you say?
Phoebe: I cant say that didnt hurt. But Ill take you back Joey Tribbiani.
Rachel: Y'know I cant believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!
Phoebe: I cant say because hes famous.
Chandler: Man, didnt she like just get here?
Ross: No, I cant. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I cant leave him. Isntyou dont think theres any way?
Monica: No-no, Rachel, dont get it! He cant see us!
Chandler: I dont know. But I-I-I know I love you!
Ross: So I dont wanna be just anybody.
Gunther: We dont give anything away unless its someones birthday.
Joey: No thats all right. Dont worry about it.
Joey: Oh hey, dont worry about it man. Dont worry about it, no big deal.
Monica: Listen, Im sure that dad doesnt care. He probably thought this was funny; hell be telling this story for years!
Joey: Come on, Ross, that didnt mean anything! She just had the baby, she was all freaked out about doing it alone, she would have said yes to anybody.
Mrs. Geller: You tell her Jack, I cant do it.
Monica: Good? Didn�t you hear them...I was great! Thank you so much for making me do this. That�s is the best gift ever.
Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the yknow, "You can drive it, but dont tell Rachel" plan!
Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didnt even know you got married.
Monica: I cant believe her, yknow its justits so typical.
Joey: Ha-ha. LookCome on, I dont know what to do or say. (He laughs.)
Mona: (interrupting him) Listen Ross, you dont have to apologize. I understand why you were there.
Ross: Pheebs, if you dont tell him, soon hes gonna be married, and then youre gonna hate yourself.
Ross: Sweetie, dont worry youll get picked. Chandler.
Rachel: Oh, great. Although I did sit down where there wasnt a chair.
Chandler: You didnt just break up.
Ross: I mean we dont want to go down that road do we?
Chandler: I didnt mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
Monica: I wont care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here. (Points to her heart.)
Joey: I, I dont get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again.
Ross: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. Im just gonna put this (The money) back in my pocket, pretend that didnt happen. Uh yeah, actually Im free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or
Phoebe: I dont know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! (She fans out the trick deck.) Ah-ha!
Tag: I know I havent worked in an office before, and I really dont have a lot of experience, but uh
Monica: I mean, I-I, I really shouldnt say. I mean, Im really not supposed to.
Ross: I cant believe someone would do that for a grade.
Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if Im the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, Ill go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And dont you follow me!
(Rachel goes to hug him but Ross is holding one of her hands and doesnt let go, so she can only put one arm around him.)
Elizabeth: Oh, dont worry I have plenty of sun block, its SPF-30.
Monica: I cant believe this. Do you think that your parents could help pay for it?
Phoebe: No wait! JustOkayJust wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Dont make any rash decisions, okay? Just remember my promise, when we get married, three times a week.
Rachel: Well, cant you tell her that you are not in the mood?
Chandler: I cannot believe you didnt pick me.
Monica: You know what would be real weird? Is if you werent there. Just say youll think about it, okay?
Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when Im 35, I dont have to get pregnant until Im 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant
Monica: I dont know, Ive never had to use the other one. Im just saying yknow, if were having sex, hes not gonna be talking.
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldnt hang out with all the guys in my office.
Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life Im doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life Im doing something that Im actually good at. I mean. if you dont get that...
Chandler: Oh, dont thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work.
Monica: Oh thats so sweet! Look Chandler I dont care if you cant cry, I love you.
Dr. Green: The wedding! Theres going to be a wedding. Young lady, dont you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!
Ross: No Phoebe, dont look! You dont want to see whats under there!!
Chandler: Yeah but you dont need(Picks up something)What is this?
Phoebe: I dont what your talking about. (Laughs nervously and continues to leaqve)
Phoebe: Its not kicking me, its kicking one of the other babies. Oh (looks down her dress)! Dont make me come in there!
Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I cant! I cant do it! (Starts to freak out.) Its just gonna freak me out!!!
Phoebe: You cant give up on your dream.
Ross: Uh actually, sorry I cant even make it. Im seeing Mona again tonight.
Joey: Oh, uh, again. Can I make a special request: Can you bring everything as soon as it�s ready? Appetizers, entrees, we don�t care.
Phoebe: I cant believe this! How long as this been going on?
Phoebe: I cant believe youre gonna ask Monica to marry you!
Joey: Well, I figured were in another country, so it doesnt count.
Phoebe: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And its all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I dont have that lamp!
Ross: Well, okay so, I dont have it all worked out quite yet. Just dont say anything to Rachel, please?
Rachel: We cant find Chandler (Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)s vest. We cant find Chandlers vest.
Frank: Okay, but isnt sex better when its with one person that you really, really care about.
Chandler: (trying the handle) It still doesnt work.
Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You cant start today! Todays the rehearsal dinner!
Monica: This doesnt feel weird!
Monica: No I dont know Chandler! Not anymore! Its like its like somethings changed.
Ross: Come on Rach, you dont have what, ten minutes?
Chandler: (to Robert) So ah, isnt a bit cold out for shorts?
Dina: I-I cant go in there. I cant tell him!
Phoebe: I know you didnt, I was talking about Monica.
Monica: Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesnt show up by then, then just come on home.
Joshua: Oh, that-that would be great. So you didnt even get to Italy?
Joey: I said I didnt technically.
Ross: I cant believe it. (Pause) Can I tell you something? Im a little mad at him now.
Rachel: Okay, two things didnt happen. Remember I told you that someone made out with Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out thats not true.
Rachel: What?! You mean theyre not coming to a social event where theres no men and theres no booze?! Thats shocking! I dont care, as long as my moms here.