words in movies
[Scene: The Buildings Roof, the entire gang plus Tag are there to look for a comet. Theyre looking for a comet on a roof of a New York apartment building. Yeah, thats realistic. You might as well look for the moon on a bright sunny day.]
Ross: Well, technically it seven billion years ago (Well, technically youd be able to see it for days, well nights; that is if you could see it with all of the bright lights of New York.)
Ross: Okay! Okay! Fine, Ill stop! No teaching, okay? Well just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky. (Comets dont streak across the sky, meteors do.) Okay? Whos official name is Bapstein-King.
Ross: Man, look at all those stars! (Yeah, you can see what? Five of them from the city?) Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesnt it?
Joey: Check out the rack on this chick! (Turns around to point it out to Ross and finds that Ross is glaring at him. So he quickly puts his binoculars to his eyes and starts looking for the comet.)
[Scene: The Roof, continued from earlier.]
Ross: What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where Joeys standing.)
Ross: Joey comeI cant believeI bring you here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of natures most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman!
Ross: (noticing the pipe and looking at the door) Joey wheres the pipe that was holding the door open?
Joey: (annoyed) I dont know! (Goes back to looking through the pipe.) (Pause) Yeah, I do.
Joey: What?! All rightHey! Dont look at me! Youre the one who wanted to come up and look for some stupid Burger King comet!
Ross: Its called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? (Joey starts to groan.) Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer!
Joey: (covering his ears and yelling) Oh no! No! No! (He starts banging on the door.)
Monica: Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duval, Armageddon is whats going to happen to you if you wake me up.
Chandler: Sorry, I just cant sleep. Ooh! (Turns on the light and Monica groans.) Where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? Because every time I look at that cover Im like (Fake snores.)
Monica: It is in the living room where there is also a light! And no one will kick you in the shin.
Chandler: What?! (Monica kicks him in the shin.) Ow! (He gets out of bed and heads into the living room.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is a beeping noise coming from the living room and Phoebe sleepily goes to investigate.]
Phoebe: (crossing her fingers and closing her eyes) Please dont be a space ship. Please dont be a space ship. (She turns on the light and looks around and finds that its the smoke detector thats beeping.) Oh thank God! (She moves a chair over and starts to investigate how to make the beeping turn off, in frustration she yanks the thing off of the wall. She sets it down and heads for bed, just as she gets there it beeps again. She opens the cover and removes the battery, but it still beeps.) How could you be beeping?! I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can
[Scene: The Roof, Ross and Joey are banging on the door.]
(Ross gets fed up with Joeys banging and stops him by pulling him away from the door.)
Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we dont have a choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! Were stuck up on the roof and we cant get down!!!
Joey: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fire escape. (Points it out.)
Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasnt finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But dont worry! Were gonna go down the fire escape!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Chandler has a jug of milk in his hands and decides to make some warm milk. He opens up the cabinet to get a pot and manages to knock several other pots onto the floor making a lot of noise.]
Monica: Here, let me make the milk, Im up anyway.
Chandler: Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh?
Monica: The second sister dies?!
Chandler: (Pause) No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading.
Monica: The second sister dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Tag are making out on the couch.]
Rachel: You wanna go in the bedroom? Its a little more comfortable.
Rachel: Okay. (They start to head for the bedroom) Oh wait! Umm, did you send those contracts to Milan?
Rachel: No seriously, yknow the contracts I gave you, did you overnight them?
Rachel: Yknow, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? (He starts laughing.) Tag! Im serious! This isnt funny! Those contracts absolutely had to go out today!
Rachel: Yes I did! And I put a little Post-It on it that said, "Must go out today," and underlined today three times and, and then I put a little heart in the corner because I didnt want to seem to bossy.
Rachel: Yknow what Tag, if we went down to the office you would see those contracts sitting on your desk.
Rachel: Or maybe you would see me looking embarrassed because you are talking on the phone with your crotch!
Tag: You wanna go down to the office right now?
Rachel: No! Come on its late, were not gonna go down to the office.
Rachel: Okay get your coat! (They get their coats and start to leave. Rachel suddenly stops and sticks the hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh! When did you unhook this? (Her bra.) Nice work!
[Scene: The Fire Escape, Joey and Ross have reached the last landing. Joey is tugging on the ladder that extends to the ground, but it wont budge.]
Ross: Ugh. Well, were just gonna have to jump. (Joey looks at him.) Yeah. Now, were gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there you go up to the roof and you let me in.
Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete?
Joey: (looks at the ground and at Ross) I dont know Ross! I-I tell you what, lets flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right?
Ross: Oh, all right. (Joey flips the coin.) Tails! (The coin bounces off of the landing above them and falls to the ground.) Can you-can you see what it is?
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is still investigating the smoke detector trying to figure out how to stop the beeping.]
Phoebe: Okay. So, this wire is connected to this wire which plugs into here. (She points at each as she says it.) Okay so, to get the beeping to stop all I have to do (She picks up a shoe and proceeds to pummel the smoke detector. She then gets up and heads to bed, stops, quickly turns around, and is satisfied that the beeping has stopped.) Well done, Pheebs. (She resumes her trek to bed, but is stopped at the entrance to the hallway by the now steady and extremely loud tone emanating from the smoke detector.) (Yelling.) What do you want from me?!!!!!!!
Monica: Okay, heres your milk. What do you want to talk about? (She sees that Chandler has fallen asleep and slams the door loudly to wake him up.)
Monica: Ohh! Ohhhh! Were you sleeping sweetie? Im sorry. Here. (Hands the mug of milk to him.)
Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway yknow what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. (She goes into her office.)
Tag: So when do you imagine you gave them to me? In the morning or in the afternoon?
Rachel: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it (Looks down onto her desk and finds the folder with the Post-It on it that contains the contracts she imagined she gave Tag) that said, "Must go out today." So you just keep looking in there! All right?
[Scene: Rachels outer office, Tag has finished searching his desk and Rachel comes out to try to plant the folder on the desk.]
Rachel: Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why dont you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the contracts in there?
Tag: How could I have left them in the copy room?
Rachel: Thank you. (He leaves and she proceeds to plant the folder in his bottom drawer. She then picks up the phone and holds it to her breasts.) Hello? (Hangs up the phone.) I still dont get it.
Monica: You do know that was me who just said that right? (He doesnt respond and she turns on the light, waking him.) Hey. As long as were both up
Chandler: (intrigued) Yeah? (Monica nods yes.) I hope youre not thinking about cleaning the living room.
[Scene: The fire escape, Joey and Ross are still trying to figure out how to get down.]
Joey: Man, Im starving! What the hell was I thinking at dinner?! "Do you want soup or salad?" Both! Always order both!
Ross: (looking in the window behind them) Yknow, yknow Im lookin and I dont think anyones home here. I say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and yknow explain later.
Ross: I dont think so. Hello? (Knocks on the glass, which angers the big, large, angry dog behind the glass and causes them to jump to the other side of the landing.) When you get in there (Joey nods his disapproval.)
[Scene: Phoebes apartment building, in desperation she has wrapped up the smoke detector in a blanket and is going to throw it into the trash chute.]
Phoebe: Okay, this is where you and I part ways. (She drops the blanket into the chute.) Noisy bitch!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is turning on the light to awaken a now sleeping Monica.]
Chandler: No. We were in the middle of sex and you fell asleep.
Monica: Nooo! No, thats not true. No, best time ever! Yeah, you rocked me world! (She turns out the light to go back to sleep.)
Chandler: (turning the light back on) Monica?
Monica: Give me the good stuff.
Chandler: Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Dont fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesnt move as he gets out of bed and as hes heading for the door.) And I probably wont spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor.
Rachel: Oh my God! Did you check your entire desk! Did you check all the drawers!
Rachel: Well yeah, I wish that you would. (He opens the top drawer.) Well, no its not in there! (Closes it.) How about that drawer? (She points to the bottom one and he opens it. She doesnt see the folder she planted and bends over to check.)
Rachel: (thinks) Yknow, I dont-I dont know. Let me, let me check. (As she heads for her office, she stops glances over her should at Tag, looks into her office, and finds the folder on her desk.)
Tag: (entering) Yeah? (She holds up the folder) You found them!! (Rachel is not amused, because shes still going to try to blame him for her mistake like every good boss.) Yknow what? Im not even going to gloat. Im just really relived this whole thing is over.
Rachel: Oh really? So youre saying they just slid out of your bottom drawer, crawled across the floor, then jumped on to my desk?! (I think Dogbert should have a line here.)
Rachel: (pause as she realizes her lame attempt to shift the blame has failed) I am so hot for you right now.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is someone pounding on the door and Phoebe sleepily walks over and answers it. As she nears the door, the pounding stops and she can hear the smoke detectors wail.]
A Disembodied Voice: (yelling through the door) Phoebe Buffay?!
Phoebe: (scared) Fire alarm? (She opens the door to reveal a fireman holding the blanket with the smoke detector.) Oh! Hi, officerfireman, can-can I help you?
The Fireman: We found your fire alarm in the trash chute.
The Fireman: Yes it is.
The Fireman: The next time you want to dump a fire alarm in a trash chute, dont wrap it in a blanket that says, "Property of Phoebe Buffay not Monica."
Phoebe: Okay do youOkay, do you have a search warrant? Because the last time I checked this was still America!
The Fireman: Please reattach this, its against the law to disconnect them.
Phoebe: Fine! (She takes the blanket.) But please God; tell me how to stop them from going off!
The Fireman: Theres a reset button under the plastic cover.
Phoebe: Theres a reset button?! Ugh, thank you! Thank you! (He exits and she goes to shut it off.) Theres a reset button! My God! Why didnt I see that! (She takes off the plastic cover and looks for the button.) Reset button, reset button, where is there a reset button? (Finds it.) Oh here it is! (Picks it up off of the floor.) Oh! (She presses it hard, but of course it would help if the button was still attached to the detector. In frustration she presses it so hard it causes pain in her thumb.) Ohh, God!
[Scene: The fire escape, Joey is now hanging off of the bottom rung of the ladder that wont move and Ross is watching from above.]
(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joeys chest.)
Joey: Yknow, when we talked about face to face, I dont think we thought it all the way through.
(Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground with a huge crash.)
Chandler: Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the clock) I cant believe that Ive only got two hours before I call in sick for work.
Monica: Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and Ill get the furniture polish!
Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me.
(He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies at it)
Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they dont want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store.
Ross: Oh well. It probably wouldve been the most constructive solution.
Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women. And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking...
Chandler: You slept with the stripper?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is at the sink and Chandler is looking at a ring brochure.]
Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to leave) This team is about hard work, but its also about having fun. Good to have you aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.)
Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel!
Ross: (sarcastic) And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie!
Phoebe: Thats good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. Just you did it with the wrong person. (He looks at her.) What?
Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them dont work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is.
Ticket Counter Attendant: (on the P.A.) This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen.
Paul: How to make the next one even shorter?
Chandler: Thats not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just dont feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
Phoebe: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight As, his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica." Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, "Yeah, that ones outta here." Though some things dont change.
Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, yknow. I mean theres no way Joeys gonna make it in time. So Im gonna through the hotel and see if theres any other weddings going on.
Monica: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?
Monica: Four, please. (Ross looks at her) Im really nervous. (Ross gives her the four dogs) Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and heads back inside)
Rachel: I don't know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet... I mean, nobody else has a chance!
Joey: Yeah! You, Chan, and the vein!
Chandler: Oh, thats Parents Day, first grade. Thats me with the janitor Martin.
[Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross, Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there.]
Rachel: (sarcastically) Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!
MONICA: What about the part where he has rabies?
Phoebe: (from outside) Trick or treat! (It�s obviously Halloween eve, the night of her birthday dinner.)
(They all laugh and Joey joins them, not to be left out. When the laughing dies down, he has a depressed look on his face.)
The Old Man: No. I'm all alone.
Ross: Thanks. (Gets up and as he does so, the sound returns. Without another word he heads into her bathroom.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.]
Ross: As a romancer of the elderly.
Chandler: Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?
Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!
Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity-hop.) Its for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!
Barry: What's the matter?
[Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing the game only everyone is really into it.]
Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The checks in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I cant wait to read your book Ross!!
Chandler: (laughs) Oh thats great, my friend Joeys in the movie business.
Chandler: Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are!
Carol: (knocking on the door) Ross!
Monica: Oh honey, were close now but you-you wouldnt believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and....(Phoebe shakes her head like she doesnt understand) Thats where the waistband actually goes over your head.
Ross: Look, I dont think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, Ill do it. But just because youre a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)
Monica: The green dress? Really?
Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.
Monica: (faking joy. Rubbing her stomach and smiling at the same time, like Joey said) Mmmm! Its good!
Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actors Guild.
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachels room.]
Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still dont have a guest list.
Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I'm married."
Rachel: Wow! I definitely did not see that one backfiring! Im gonna go to the bathroom.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are there. Monica is checking the messages.]
Joey: Yeah, I want my tickets too (takes the bowl from Rachel)! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graff, ah ah!
Ross: So, I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and-and-and live forever as a machine.
Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.
(Ross enters with a gift for the baby.)
Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please.
Chandler: (shrinks back) Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so I�m feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower.
Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?
(Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey follows him.)
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money.
Joey: I dont know, but it smells good. (He gets up and heads for the door only to stop short and start laughing.)
(The waitress brings their coffee.)
MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show.
Monica: Now see, this way you protect the plate.. and lets face it you have fun.
Director: Whats the matter with you? Get out of here!
Ross: What was with the dishes?
(The teacher comes up to them.)
Ross: Yeah, but it didnt fit. Well, luckily theres a store here that has one left in her size, but Im the groom, Im not supposed to see the dress
Ross: Yes it is. See. (Shows them the piece of paper she gave him with her name and phone number on it.)
[Scene: The Moondance Diner.]
Phoebe: See, there you go, the cleansing works!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Young Ethan are sitting in the couch.]
Phoebe: I don't know, you might be the first one.
(Luisa appears on the stairs)
Ross: At the vet.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Paolo are at the window. Ross and Joey are watching disgustedly.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next day. Phoebe is busy making a sandwich.]
Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please?
Rachel: Well why didnt you take the job?
Phoebe: Umm, the street. Come on, lets go to the street. Ooh, listen, dont go onto the balcony until after I get back. (Leaves)
Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary.
Ross: Hey, maybe I can fix that, you know. Try to turn it into something else. (he opens the box)
Chandler: Dont worry about it. Im taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]
Rachel: Well then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we have that 60 bucks from Ross.
Ross: Well then well-well see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (Theyre sitting by the window.) What-what what you guys doing here?!
Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. Im watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I dont know what the big deal is. Im man enough to play this sport.
Monica: (Looks at her nails) Oh my God. Wait a minute, I had them put (realises) Oh my God! Its in the quiche! Oh My God!
ROSS: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys.
Rachel: I got off the plane.
(Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the chair. They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in shock and surprise.)
Chandler: Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.
Joey: They did it right there on the couch.
Ross: Uh-huh. Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss I started to get worked up again, so he offered me a tranquilizer. And I thought was a good idea so, I took it.
[Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Monica is lying on the massage table waiting for Phoebe.]
(Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck in tow.)
Ross: You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms. (Tries to hold the pen but cant)
Phoebe: How - how do I get them to name the next one after me?
Young Ethan: Then, what's the problem?