words in movies
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is knocking on Rachels door, whose door frame is decorated with balloons. The rest of the gang is there as well. Rachel opens the door and the gang blow on noisemakers.]
Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you dont use the words old or downhill or (To Joey) they still look pretty damn good. (Joey smiles and everyone glares at him.)
(She opens the door.)
Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.
Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
Joey: (screaming) Why God?!! Why?!! We had a deal!! Let the others grow old! Not me!! (He buries his head in Phoebes lap for comfort.)
Ross: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is?
[Flashback to Chandlers thirtieth birthday party. It is also being held in Monica and his apartment. He is about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.]
Rachel: Look, yknow I know my lifes going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people whove accomplished so many other goals by the time theyre thirty.
[Flashback to: The Street in front of Central Perk, Ross and Joey are holding a yellow tape across the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she bounces around the corner on a hippity-hop.]
(She crosses the line and they all cheer again.)
Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! Thats it!! Thats everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!! (They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and Monica look intrigued and as they all head into Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity-hop that Phoebe left behind.)
Rachel: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean, old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty!
[Flashback to: A street, Ross is sitting in his newly purchased MGB. Which is one of the better British sports cars ever made. Of course, better is a relative term. Which reminds me of a joke. Why dont the British make computers? Because they couldnt figure out how to make them leak oil. Anyway, the gang is all staring at his new purchase.]
Joey: Hey, whats the horsepower on this thing?
Ross: Hop in. (Phoebe hops in.) Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.
(He starts the car and surprisingly in fires right up and comes to a nice idle. (Both can be rarities with British sports cars with their lovely Lucas ignition systems, which tend not to work especially in the rain.) Anyway, this being New York he is parallel parked on a street with the car in front of him only inches ahead of his bumper, likewise with the car behind him. Hes completely boxed in and cant move more than two inches. He tries to get out several times by bumping the bumpers of both cars to no avail.)
Ross: Damnit! (Shuts the car off.)
Rachel: So what?! Yknow what? The way I see it(Phoebe pulls out a hair from the back of her head)Ow! Son of a bitch!!
[Flashback to Monica and Chandlers apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.]
Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time. Its not named for each individual man.
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)
(We hear some fumbling at the door, then silence.)
(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachels door.)
Monica: Heyyy!! You got the door open!! (Giggles.)
Monica: Nooo! (Giggles) Okay. (She tries to pull herself up by Rachel and Joeys doorknob, but the door opens and she almost falls into the their apartment. She manages to catch herself.) Whoa! (Stands up, unsteadily) Okay. See I was, I was a little nervous about turning (whispering) thirty. (Giggles.) So the bus boys took me out for some drinks. (Pause) I wanna puke on you later!
Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!
Chandler: Okay, heres the thing. Were gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that youre drunk.
(Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.)
Ross: Okay, forward. ForwardStop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Okay, backStop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay, forwardStop! Stop! Stop!
Ross: No-no-no! Its mine! Its-its mine. (The woman walks away.)
Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, heres what were gonna do. Okay, Im gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)
(The rest of the gang runs away, except for Ross whos tramped inside his car. To hide he puts the top up as Monica, Rachel, and Joey come running past.)
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity-hop.) Its for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!
Ursula: Yeah, no were not thirty. Were 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
Phoebe: (reading the certificate) Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31.
[Scene: Monicas birthday, its just after the surprise.]
Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress.
Chandler: See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller whos sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller whos standing next to him.)
Mrs. Geller: (stopping him) Dont get up Jack! The safety pins are about to blow.
Chandler: Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. (Monica stumbles on the steps.) Okay, (catches her) youre doing great. Youre doing great. Youre doing fine.
(Chandler walks over to where the rest of the gang is.)
Ross: (to Tag) Stick to the list. Always stick to the list.
Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read the card! Read the card!
Rachel: Okay. (Opens the card and reads it.) Happy birthday Grandma! Its better to be over the hill (starting to cry) then buried under it. (Breaks down as everyone glares at them.) All our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) Thats funny, yeah!
Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke!
Monica: All you had to do was buy the card!
[Scene: Rachels birthday, a time lapse has occurred. Rachel is coming back into the living room carrying a notepad.]
Ross: Hey! Look whos back! Its the birthday girl! Hows the birthday girl feeling?
Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think youre bumming out the rest of the kids.
Ross: What? (Glances over and sees the faces of the rest of the group, then goes and sits down.)
Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother.
Rachel: As I was saying I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time Im 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan!
Phoebe: If you could do that, Id marry the hippity-hop.
Rachel: No, so I dont have to get married until Im 33! Thats three years, thats three whole yearsOh, wait a minute though. Ill need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and Id like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged Which means I need to meet the guy by the time Im thirty.
Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned(Removes two candles from the cake)twenty-eight!
Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry!
(We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.)
(Monica sits down on the barca lounger.)
Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh thats great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go.
Joey: (to the waiter) Hey! Are those crab cakes? (The waiter nods) Did I not tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?
Phoebe: (clinking two glasses together) Speech! Speech! Lets hear from the birthday girl! Huh?
Phoebe: Dont you see? Everyones looking at me! The plans working! I didnt even have to take off my top yet!
Monica: I really like to say that Im-um (Pause) Yknow what Id really like to say? Im drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.) Thats right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera out of his dads hands.) And guess what! Ive been drunk before! And Ive smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! Its all okay. Its okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming the fall.)
(Ross pans the camera over to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! I I havent done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31!
Phoebe: Like okay I-I-I, I havent met any Portuguese people! I, I havent had the perfect kiss! And I havent been to snipers school!
Monica: Hes gonna eat the cake!
[Scene: Rosss birthday, his car is still trapped in its spot. Now Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are at the front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and Chandler at the rear of the car.]
Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? Were gonna pick it up and move it. Now all we need is teamwork, okay? Were gonna lift the car and slide it out. Lift and slide!
Ross: All right everyone, lift! (They and try to lift the car, of course it doesnt raise up) And slide!! (Everyone leans over, but the car still does not move.)
[Scene: Rachels birthday, she is coming into the hallway where Joey and Tag are playing with the scooter.]
Rachel: Not in the street!!
Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.)
Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think Im past the point where I think I can yknow, just have fun.
Phoebe: You did the right thing.
Joey: All-all right! (They run and jump in the car.) Start it up! Lets go!
(Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross and stops next to him.)
The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we? (He drives off.)
Chandler: Okay, you know how that people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?
Alice: Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebes stomach.) So, how did it go at the doctors?
Phoebe: That’s nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom.
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are showing everyone the van they bought for the catering business. Its an old Dodge van, that has a cartoon woman riding on a dragon painted on the side of it.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is letting everyone in on the new developments.]
ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.
Chandler: And the fireplace in the bedroom.
Chandler: Ino! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've opened the box.
MRS. GREENE: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?
[Scene: The delivery room, everyone is hanging out with Phoebe. Frank, Alice, and the kids aren't there.]
Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-ones turned them.
Chandler: We're getting the house. (they hug) We're getting the house.
(Chandler is getting ready to kick off, Ross is holding the ball between his foot and finger.)
Chandler: We got the house.
Monica: Oh my God! My God! We've got the house !?
THE END
Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!
MRS. GREENE: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem.
(Rachel glares at the nurse, who gives Monica a form attached to a clipboard.)
[Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the cars still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.]
(Ross starts to scream and run away. He stops in front of the window of Central Perk to check the pursuit and notices Phoebe and Rachel inside looking at him. He mouths, "What?" Then realizes that the women he attacked are closing in so he screams and runs away.)
Chandler: Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, its supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh.
Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! Thats not the point.
Chandler: Awesome, the name really stands out.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is trying to move off of the couch as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Ok, Ross, what�s going on here, are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now?
Phoebe: (entering and talking on mobile phone) Ok, great! All right, bye! (she hangs up) Pain in the ass!! (she looks at the others, then back at the phone) That's off, right?
(She goes to look out the window at Rosss apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.)
Chandler: Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)
The Rabbi: I dont know. Are they Greek Orthodox?
Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?
Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out!
Chandler: Hey, look at this! (Holding a newspaper) Theyre lighting the big Christmas tree tonight.
Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the music
(the first word is cream)
Chandler: Hey hey! Where's the birthday girl?
Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black delievery guy.)
(the second word is mayonnaise)
Joey: Hey, Im gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! Hed even make the girl pancakes! Plus, hed make extras and leave em for me.
PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?
Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! Hes got Barneys on his speed dial.
(The third word is ketchup)
Man: It's the police!
(someone knocks at the door)
KEVIN: All right. It's no big deal. BILL: So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation? RACHEL: Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend.� But um. . . BILL: Then, can I have your number? RACHEL: (pause) I'm sorry, no. BILL: Okay. (They start to walk away.) RACHEL: Oh sure.� (She pulls a business card from her purse and writes on it.) PHOEBE: (Reading the card.) Oh my God, you're giving your real number. BILL: Okay, thanks. I'll give you a call later tonight. RACHEL: Great. BILL: Bye PHOEBE: Bye. (The guys leave.) Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking?
Ross: Seriously you guys, I can't believe you're going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, I mean that's such a bunch of boohaki.
Mr. Geller: But pleasure is important, (To Chandler) and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor?
Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.
Paul: Really?! (She nods in the affirmative.)
Joey: (hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical?
Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I wont get spit in the eyes, yknow?
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
Joey: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that if youre gonna have a roommate, yknow it might as well be the father.
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe comes up the stairs and hears drumming coming from Joey and Rachel's, so she enters smiling and then sees that Rachel, not Joey, is the one playing.]
Donny: Ok Henrietta, you've picked Jack and Jill went up the hill.
Monica: (walks towards Phoebe and the stripper) Uh, look, officer... uhm Sir...
[Scene: The New York City Children's fund ]
Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
(Chandler looks at the other two guys, embarrassed)
Ross: You broke the pact!
Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. (pause) Give me your phone.
Russell: Yes, this Russell, Rosss divorce lawyer, just tell him that since I havent heard from him, I assume hes decided to give the marriage a try.
Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
Ross: Rach, I-I cant tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change your mind? Unless, you know were never going to have to use it. You did see the folder. You know its a boy!
David: Alright, but after this I want to see you outside. If the rain stops.
Issac: Yo, Chloe, do you have a quarter for the condom machine?
Monica: You're the most incredible woman I've ever met. How can I lose you? (Phoebe looks very flattered) Now, I don't actually have a ring...
Rachel: (finishing the last of her drink) I am soo not going to do good on my SATs tomorrow.
Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.
Dr. Schiff: (entering) Hi Rachel? Im Dr. Schiff. (By the way, hes an attractive man.)
Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! Were dying out here!
Joey: So let me get this straight. If you go with Bonnie tonight, youre doing the smart, healthy thing and moving on.
[Scene: A bar.� Rachel and Phoebe are bringing their drinks from the bar to a sofa.]
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.]
Ross: Nineteen Eighty Seven. The weekend you guys visited me at school.
Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we...
Joey: Well, I know what's the matter with me.
Joey: Oh well listen, anyway shes directing the new Al Pacino movie. You gotta get me an audition!
Ross: Because... the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time.
Phoebe: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.
[Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]
THE END
Janine: Well, Im sorry. I just thought Id try to make the place a little nicer.
Ross: (sarcastic) That would be a good way to get rid of all the PCP we have lying around.
Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the dates and pats him on the shoulder.)
Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! Im sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don't want me to see Richard again, I won't! He means nothing to me!
[Scene: The playground. Ross, Rachel and Emma are still there. Rachel comes walking to Ross and Emma with something between her hands.]
Monica: "To take you to his mansion in the sky-y?"
[Scene: The wedding rehearsal dinner.]
Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?
Chandler: No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding.
Ross: Youre gonna be a party person! Those guys rock the most!
Monica: Just, I love you so much. Just Its just sometimes it bothers me that Im never gonna have that feeling. Yknow when you meet someone for the first time and its new and exciting? Yknow that rush?
Rachel: Joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head?
Phoebe: Uhm... well, they're not in the wedding.
Gene: I'll take "You crossed the line".
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]
The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (Calls her, then hurriedly hangs up.) I got her machine.
(Cut to Chandler and Ross. Phoebe comes out of the ladies room and they run toward her.)