words in movies
This is a special out takes episode. The cast and Conan are sitting around the set of Central Perk, talking about the stuff weve never seen.
Transcribers Note: This is stuff we never saw from all of the seasons, so for all of the scene settings I will be using the current arrangements. Even though some of the out takes take place when Chandler was living with Joey and Rachel was living with Monica, when Joey and Chandler were living in Monica and Rachels, and the current arrangements.
[Scene: Central Perk, the cast of Friends along with Conan OBrien are sitting and talking.]
Conan: Its a tradition here on Friends after every taping for me to hang out with you guys, (They all laugh) talk down the episode umm The point of this whole thing is what people see in America is: they see Friends, they love the show, it looks like a smooth running machine, but behind the scenes theres deceit, mistrust, and hate. And I thought, I thought wed actually take a look at uh, yknow some of these moments where you guys arethere are mistakes. You make mistakes.
[Cut to Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there. I think its The One With The Joke.]
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Courtney: Its amazing like all week long weve-weve been saying the same lines and then the audience is here and we will mess up, and if you mess up once, then youll get nervous because youllyou know youll probably mess up again.
The Director: Action!
Monica: (holding her hand in front of her face) When you were little you slept through-through the Grand Canyon.
The Director: Watch again that hand.
The Director: Okay.
The Director: Once again, and action!
Monica: (the hands still there) When-when you were little you slept through the Grand Canyon. (She actually itches her nose this time.)
Courtney: Oh! Okay! Im gonna try it without the coffee cup cause I think its the left hand thats messing me up.
Monica: When you were little you slept through the Grand(Pointing again)Oh fffff .
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Conan: But there must be, there mustare a lot of moments over the years where youre just trying to do your job, something goes wrong.
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey is giving Chandler the bracelet from season 2.]
(Suddenly theres a noise off stage and the camera on Joey swings around.)
Matthew: Hey Joey! The camera hit our wall!
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are living here and Ross is writing on the Magna-Doodle when Rachel opens the door causing the door knob to hit his hand.]
[When he hears Jennifer try to open the door he jumps back, and Jennifer is unable to open the door this time.]
[Cut the hallway, Rachel is exited from Monicas when the door closes on her skirt.]
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, with the giant entertainment center Joey is exiting from his room.]
Joey: Oh yeah? Then how come I keep(He notices that the marker board they use has been left on the entertainment center and holds up his discovery.)
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, first season, Monica is making a giant sub-sandwich and is talking to Rachel. I think its The One With Fake Monica.]
Monica: It was so wild! We told em we were the Gundersons in 16
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, The One With George Stephanopoulos, Phoebe is showing Monica and Rachel that she brought Operation to their slumber party.]
Phoebe: Oh-ooh, and I brought Operation, but umm I lost the umm (It starts buzzing) Its making a noise.
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
[Cut to Central Perk, to the theme from The Dick Van Dyke show Joey runs into Central Perk carrying a stack of Soap Opera Digests and falls on the step. He does bounce right back up making it all that much funnier.]
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Joey: Pheebs! (He looks down as he goes down the step to make sure he didnt fall again.) Check it out! (He starts laughing when he realized what he did.)
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Courtney: This particular time when he continued to fall or yknow, try not to fall, I was in the room with Matthew and Matthew was like, "Should I do it?"
(As shes saying that Joey is to pull out a chair and sit down, only Matthew comes running in from off camera and dives for the same chair.)
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Conan: Matthew, you have a reputation with the rest of the cast that sometimes you like to, you like to fool around a bit. I mean like if somethings naturally going wrong you like to get in there and juice it a little bit. True or false?
[Cut to Monicas restaurant kitchen, its the episode where Joey is working as a waiter at Monicas restaurant. Joey is patting her breast from when she set it on fire.]
(Matthew runs in and starts patting the other breast, then walks away. Matt slowly stops patting her breast.)
[Cut to that same kitchen, only this is The One With The Proposal, Richard is telling Monica something.]
Richard: It was great seeing you the other night.
(Suddenly the door flies open and in walks Chandler!!)
Chandler: What the fu(beep)ck are you doing?!
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, The One Where The Monkey Gets Away, Rachel is watching a soap opera with Marcel.]
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see now the one with the feather boa? Thats Dr. Francis. She used to be a man. Oh look! There(Marcel (Katie) jumps away)Okay. (And runs behind her on the back of the couch for a little while.)
[Reset, theyre about to start the scene when Katie suddenly jumps up startling Jennifer.]
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
The Director: Here we go.
The Director: And action!
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Conan: And then it just builds on itself and theres no doing the scene after. I mean you probably wait and really get it together and do it.
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Monica is throwing a party. Joey is talking to Ross about the bad audition he just had while pouring booze onto a snow cone.]
David: Now, we should go back and take the other line.
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the brides maid test.]
Joey: Okay, the next situation is for Rachel. The wedding is about to start you walk into the back room and you find Monica taking a nap with Ross. (Ross lies on the floor.) Ill be Monica. Go! (He jumps down and cuddles up with Ross.)
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
[Conan and the cast in Central Perk.]
Jennifer: Aww, the kids.
The Director: Action.
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
David: The good thing about the young kids though, theyre completely unpredictable. Which is a lot of fun as an actor to respond with. But there was one story
David: Where the story was that I was anticipating that I would be around to hear my sons first words spoken. But the scene was about that he wasnt supposed to be able to speak and, uh for some reason when we started doing the show
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Matt: And then sometimes during the show yknow but youre like, the scenes going one way but youre just tempted to say something another time. Like, do you remember that one where Monicas baking cookies in our old apartment?
Matt: Yeah, shes trying to waft the smell across the hall to get us to come hang out in her new place, and were sitting there eating pizza and I think it was you (Points to Lisa) that said
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, the scene described above.]
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Matt: I think I was supposed to say, "I dont know," and go over and open the door. And I went
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Joey: I dont know, but it smells good. (He gets up and heads for the door only to stop short and start laughing.)
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
[Cut to Monica and Ross leaving Joey and Chandlers hotel room in London. As they exit Joey and Chandler enter from the bathroom with both of their pants down around their ankles.]
Matt: (noticing the laughter) Why? Whats the matter?
(They both bounce back into the bathroom.)
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Conan: (to Courtney) You-youve worn a fat suit on the show. And, a lot of people love you in the fat suit. Do you like wearing the fat suit? Is it fun?
[Cut to Central Perk, Fat Monica and Rachel are on the couch.]
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Courtney: They made me dance, in the fat suit.
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Courtney is dancing in the fat suit and after shaking her groove thing sits down in exhaustion.]
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Conan: I-I heard some of you guys talking about this earlier, but sometimes theres just a word that someone has to say that youll get hung up on. And itll justthe way you say the word is funny to everybody else.
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, is the one where Rachel screwed up the desert and Ross and Joey are trying to enjoy it.]
The Director: Action!
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Matt: Sometimes the dialogue itself is just so funny and youllwell be rehearsing during the week and you justwhatever-whatever the joke is; its so funny we cant get through it in rehearsal and just
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, its the one with the fake chocolate. Monica has baked some cookies and Phoebe is trying them.]
Phoebe: (spitting the cookie out onto a napkin) Oh, sweet Je(Beep)sus! Oh! Monica, these are the (laughing) cookies they serve in hell!
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, the gang is watching Joeys debut on Days.]
Chandler: (noticing the woman on the screen) Whoa! Shes purty!
Joey: Oh yeah, and shes really nice too! She taught me about yknow, how to work with the cameras and smell-the-fart acting.
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
David: Yeah, Rachel, Chandler, and Ross had to try to get a couch up a staira very narrow New York stairwell and that was probably I-I think it was the hardest Ive-Ive laughed in my life period.
[Cut to the scene described above.]
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is cleaning the apartment for Monica and is frustrated with things not lining up.]
Chandler: Monicas gotta have the phone in the right place and(Frantic babbling.)
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
[Cut to Rosss second wedding reception, Joey has just told him the band is ready with Rachel looking on.]
Ross: Oh the bands ready! And wellI-Iwe gotta do what the band says, right? I dont care about the stinkin band!!
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe at the mike.]
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, the bad desert Ross is quickly eating the mound on his plate.]
Chandler: What's up with the simian?
(Hearing the screaming Chandler and Joey rush in. Joey has a pan, Chandler has a tea kettle.)
Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why dont you just hand over the keys?
Rachel: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually (starting to cry), but now she's actually stealing you.
Rachel: Ohh, he's married! Ross is married. I can'tI still can't believe it. (Rachel grabs the picture from Monica)
All: Ohh!! (they all start pointing at the screen)
Phoebe: Umm, okay, okay, look. I took this picture from your fridge. Okay, because I know that this is my Father. Yeah, this is Frank Buffay and you are standing right there next to him. Now, look I deserve to know where I came from. All right? So if you can help me find my Father then you should! Otherwise, youre just mean! (pause) So, just tell me the truth!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch as Chandler disgustedly enters.]
Chandler: Yknow what? It seems like all of the sudden; so much has happened.
Rachel: But yknow what, if you think its gonna be okay well just work out a system. Yknow, itll be like college, Ill hang a hanger on the door and put a sign, "Come back later, Im gettin lucky." (Laughs.)
Joey: What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath.
Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Rosss points!
Carol: Ah yeah, but now its Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home.
Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?
Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family.
Rachel: Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem with that?
Chandler: And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you! And we don't want to buy your bat! (Joey lowers his bat)
Monica: Have you ever taken out the trash? (Hands her the garbage.)
Pete: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.
(They walk into a completely redecorated and repainted room. And of course, the room is immaculate. Only an obsessive-compulsive like Monica could find fault with the room.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the results of their election. Somewhat faster than Florida I might add.]
Ross: (to the gang, whispering) She's talking.
[The next clip is from The One With The List.]
Doctor Connelly: Ok, given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy, or insemination using a sperm donor.
Joey: Hey! You guys! Youre not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agent
Joey: But I'm the host!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, now its Phoebes turn to erase Chandler from the board.]
[Scene: The Girls apartment. Phoebe is dialing the phone and Rachel runs in the door.]
PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. [singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers. Nooowww, chickens!
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, Phoebe is returning from the bathroom.]
Monica: Uh-oh, whats the matter?
Rachel: (to the cowgirl) And you are so in style right now. Yknow, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going on. I dont suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but
Joey: Im sorry! Okay? I went down to the gift shop and its either this or a bathrobe! Look, whats more important, the way Im dressed or me being with you on your special day?
(The phone rings.)
Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)
Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game. (He tries to congratulate them, but they pull away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back!
Phoebe: Oh can I? Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone. It's really not fair either! You know, just because we don't eat the meat doesn't mean we don't like to play with the carcasses!
Chandler: Let me tell you why you need to pick me. (Goes to sit on the couch facing backwards to the kitchen. Rachel gets a chair and sits opposite him) See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel... insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I'm the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back.
Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life Im doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life Im doing something that Im actually good at. I mean. if you dont get that...
Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.)
Phoebe: (on the other side of the line, still pretending to be Estelle) Joey, it's Estelle. (Joey's eyes bulge up, he looks afraid)
PHOEBE: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far.
Chandler: To pay for the gym.
Phoebe: Ohh, Im getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Yknow, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She goes over and stands in front of the TV.)
Carol: (opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Whod you think it was gonna be?)
Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the end of the day.
Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom.
(Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul then pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and tells the rest of the group that hell just be one second.)
(They kiss but are interrupted by a knock on the door.)
The Teacher: Excuse me. Can, can I help you with something?
(Theres a knock on the door.)
(Theres a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually the
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang minus Rachel and Ross are talking to Pete.]
Joey: (To the pledge volunteers) How ya doin'? Welcome. Good to see ya!
Phoebe: It's, yes, my little black book. It's got the numbers of all the guys I've dated.
Rachel: Joey, is what she just said ummOh my God. (Looks around the room.) You were actually gonna (Chandler picks this moment to return to the living room.) (Rachel stares in shock.)
Phoebe: Great. (Goes to take the test.)
[Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Hestons dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.]
Phoebe: I need to change my name, please. See, I need to change it because I'm-I'm hiding from the law. (the clerk shows no change in expression whatsoever) You're fun.
Rachel: (noticing a bunch of pictures around the door that werent there originally.) What-what are-what are these?
Chandler: Oh. (takes the cassette and puts it on his arm like the stop smoking patch, and it falls off.) Nope, that patch is no good. (Joey and Monica both do their fake laughs.)
Joey: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, you know, we-we always go together, we're like the three hocke-teers.
Ross: Thank you, thanks. (Sits down next to the girls) Yeah, I lost it. Yknow, Im not gonna play anymore, (to Phoebe) would you, can you finish my set?
Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.
Joanna: Congratulations! You now just crossed the line into completely useless. Get out. (Sophie starts to cry and leaves)
Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?
[Cut to the living room.]
Joey: Who cares?! I-Ill make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont!!
Commercial: (in the background their singing Smelly Cat) Problem odour in the litter box? Dont change your kitty, change your kitty litter.
Rachel: (going out the door) Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right?
Joey: Oh... yeah... Probably you don't even remember my name. It's Joey, by the way. And don't bother telling me yours, because I totally remember it... lady. Yeah! I waited weeks for you to call me.
Phoebe: Oh, the Olympics.
Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig.
Rachel: All right, look you guys... Look, we appreciate all the advice, but this is between Joey and me and I think we can handle it...
Monica: Okay ah, please dont freak out. Umm, but ah, theres a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and theres no way to know which one.
Chandler: Thank you for writing your book. Its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything.
Monica: (reading the sign) Whats pleh?
Ross: Great! Im across the street having sex with her right now. Your story sucks!
Tag: (interrupting) Uh Mr. Zelner, Im the one who filled in that evaluation.
[In the hall.]
Monica: When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!
Monica: Yep! You got the tickets?
The Teacher: Are you one of Bens mothers?
Monica: I get the dollhouse!
Phoebe: Yeah, this is the guy I was telling you about.
Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, theyre gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again its gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybodys excitement.
Joey: Did you not hear the plot of the movie? "She's been dead for ten years." I'm gonna be a millionaire!
(Mike's face changes from happy to sad, and he looks at the cake, disappointed.)
Chandler: Im only going to pretend Im moving to Yemen, its the only way I can get rid off her.
Rachel: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a beeline for the mini-bar.)
(He brought home Chandler for Thanksgiving. Chandler is sporting the very popular Flock of Seagulls haircut. Yeah, it's another you have to see it to believe it kinda thing.)
Joey: Come in. Thanks for comin back, umm, okay there have been a lot of people interested in the room, but I have narrowed it down and you are one of the finalists!
Ross: Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, hell wanna build us our own platform!
Paul: (entering) Here you go honey! (Rachel kicks Ross back under the couch.)
[cut to another clip, this one is from The One With The Prom Video]
Rachel: Yeah, it's in there. (Points to the bathroom.)
Phoebe: Yes! You know, in six months the Statute of Limitations runs out and I can travel internationally again!
Chandler: Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts to leave) Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore!