words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are getting ready to go on their honeymoon. Monica is entering from the bedroom.]
Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldnt find though was your Speedo.
Chandler: A Speedo? Uh, I dont have a Speedo. Im gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit. (Goes into the bedroom.)
Rachel: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. (They all look at her expectantly) What? What? What?
Phoebe: Me too! (Joins the hug.)
Joey: Im gonna be an uncle! Come here! (He joins the hug.)
Rachel: (breaking the hug) Youre all gonna be aunts and uncles.
Monica: Yeah, but Im the only one related by blood.
Rachel: Well I was gonna tell him that Im-Im gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants.
Rachel: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, whats-whats the first thing that I say? (They all pause to think.) Okay great! Thanks. (She starts to leave.)
Chandler: (in the high pitched voice) What?! (Normal voice) I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.
(The girls walk away.)
Joey: No thats not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were out of town.
Phoebe: You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monicas guest towels?
Joey: Monicas chicken parm! Ill take care of it. (He picks up the phone) Hey Mr. Treeger, its Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica and Chandlers apartment. Its an emergency. (Listens) Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and bring garlic bread. (Hangs up.)
Ross: Im telling you. Im telling you. Thats what it is. No wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. She didnt say anything to you?
Ross: Yeah, I guess I should. (Starts to leave.) Man, yknow what I have to realize? Maybe Im just not the type of guy women can have just one night with. Yknow, they-they always seem to want a little bit more. I should remember that. (He pauses and then exits.)
[Scene: The Airport Ticket Counter, Monica and Chandler are standing in line behind another couple kissing who are next in line to be served.]
(The kissing couple doesnt move.)
Monica: (to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and walk? Cause she said, "Next."
(The couple moves up to the counter.)
Ticket Agent: Oh, let me see what I can do. (Checks the computer) There are some first class seats available.
(They go up to the counter.)
Ticket Agent: Im sorry, all our first class seats are taken. That couple got the last two.
Phoebe: Of course I do! And Im gonna give it back to you as soon as theyre done with it at the key shining place.
(They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)
Joey: What the hell is that?
(They go into the hallway and see Mr. Treeger watching one of New Yorks bravest breakdown Monica and Chandlers door with an ax.]
Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on this thing (Holds up a huge key ring with a thousand keys on it), the whole place might have exploded. If that happens at another building that I manage, people are gonna start asking questions. (To the fireman) Come on! Hurry up.
(With a final swing the door gives way.)
[Scene: The Airport, Chandler and Monica are following the previous couple through a tiny hallway that proves this is a set on a sound stage and not an actual airport, and see them enter the first class lounge.]
Monica: Look at that! Look at that! Theyre going into the first class lounge! Do you know what they have in there?
Monica: Me neither! We have to get in! (She runs through the door with Chandler in tow.)
Chandler: Shh! (To the guy behind the counter) Nice to see you again. (They tries to walk past him.)
Chandler: Yes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.)
Airline Employee: Im sorry, would you move your thumb? I cant see the seat number.
Airline Employee: (grabbing the ticket from him) Sir, this is not a first class ticket. Im sorry.
[Scene: The Hallway Outside Rosss Apartment, Ross is walking towards his apartment and sees Rachel sitting in front of the door.]
Ross: Oh sure. (He sits on the apothecary table and touches her hand.)
Rachel: (touches his knee) Im pregnant. (Ross stops.) Ross? (Ross is staring off into space.) Ross? (Ross is still frozen) Okay, whenever youre ready. (Sits back and opens her magazine.) And youre the father by the waybut you got that
Rachel: I know. I know, but yknow condoms only work like 97% of the time.
Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!!
Ross: No they dont!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!
Rachel: Okay Ross come on lets just forget about the condoms.
Ross: No! No! I want to talk now! Okay? IIn fact, (picks up the phone) I am going to talk to the president of the condom company!
Mr. Treeger: (measures the top of the doorframe) Whoa! This looks like an all day job, Ill have to cancel my yoga class. (Ross walks up.) Hey Ross!
(Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.)
Ross: Oh my God! What happened to the door?!
Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful. And then when I turned around she was gone.
Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they dont even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!
[Scene: The Atlantis Resort, Chandler and Monica are arriving to check in, but are behind the couple from before again.]
Monica: What? (Monica sees the first couple and gasps.)
Front Desk Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the honeymoon suite.
Monica: Yeah! You already got the first class tickets; you got the lounge! I mean we should get free stuff too! I mean youre not the only ones on your honeymoon!
Woman: Well you can have the suite if you want. We dont care about where we stay. Were here to celebrate our love together. We dont have to get free stuff. We just want to be together.
Chandler: (looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is on the phone and Phoebe is watching him.]
Joey: Uh, okay Ill-Ill-Ill break it down. (He hands the phone to Phoebe, gets up, picks up a chair, and starts banging it on the floor.)
Phoebe: Oh hey hi, hes doing it. Hes breaking down the door. (The chair breaks in half.) Okay, were in. (She hangs up the phone.)
[Scene: A doctors office, Rachel is on an examining table with her legs in the stirrups.]
Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram.
Rachel: Okay. (The nurse exits.) Oh man, I swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn
(Theres a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
Ross: Please, please I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today.
Ross: Right! Right! I justI want you to know that Im going to be there through this whole thing, okay? Okay? The doctors appointments, the uh, the Lamaze classes, uh baby-proofing the apartmentAlthough we could probably worry about that til after we get married.
Ross: No, because thats the right thing to do.
Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!
Rachel: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father.
Ross: But not the husband, because evidently she can do this alone.
Dr. Long: Okay, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. (We see Ross and Rachel looking at the screen.) Here is your uterus. And right here is your baby.
Ross: Oh sure, come here! (Sits her up) Sure you can! Uh, look come here look, (rolls the machine closer) its-its-its, its right there (Points).
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are there as Rachel and Ross return from the doctors appointment.]
Phoebe: Hey! So how was the doctor?
Ross: Oh hey, show them the picture of your uterus.
Joey: I dont see the baby. Where is it?
Ross: Oh. (He takes the picture and hugs her.
Joey: Hey! (Monica turns and looks at him) Now Im a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings!
The "Hey Guy" Guy: Hey guy!
Mike: (puts on a fake smile) Where else would lame Mr. No Balls hide it? (he takes the ring from the cake, and cleans it with a napkin)
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the phone with her mother, Chandler is standing behind her.]
The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman.
Chandler: Oh, just like I said. That crazy... Bert... roaming the halls. (Joey bangs on the door again)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is at the kitchen table and Chandler is in the living room.]
Monica: (yelling at the top of her lungs) Im engaged!!!!!! Im engaged!!!!
Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.) How you doin?
Mrs. Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid.
Phoebe: (on machine) "Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey, what if I'm already there when your playing this message?" (to the guys) Is that too spooky?
Charlie: And first, I have to see the MET!
Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen.
Ross: Is-isnt it the best?
Joey: Wait-wait-wait-wait! (To Chandler) Come on! Come on, lets trade! The timings perfect, I just clogged the toilet!
Earl: Phoebe? The lady who sells toner?
(She closes the door and puts his tie into his mouth as a gag.)
Mr. Treeger:: You think you could make a mess and the big man in coveralls will come in here and clean it up, huh? Well, why dont think of someone else for a change?
Phoebe: No. Its all right; its probably false labour. They said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book.
Phoebe: I can smell it a little, bake the pie.
Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone (Joey in a childish attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say, puts his fingers in his ears and starts to scream loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his current state.)
Phoebe: Okay, so maybe you dont get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do something different. Yknow? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, yknow? Or an engagement tiara? Orooh! An engagement Revolutionary War musket! (Picks one up from the display in the corner.
Joey: Oh, very funny. I dont know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. (Chandler doesnt say anything until Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?! Lets hug it up! (They hug.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch and Phoebe is getting coffee as Chandler enters. Ross is also there.]
Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at this job for four years?
Mr. Geller: Its the key to my Porsche. Well, the key to your Porsche.
(Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his apartment and quickly starts pushing the base into his apartment.)
Ross: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, Ive already signed everything and I put little Xs where you need to sign.
Monica: (grabbing the gift from him and opening it) Okay! There you go! It's two tickets to Vegas!
Monica: I need more swordfish. (to one of the assistant chefs) Can you get me some more swordfish?
(She opens the door.)
Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the gang minus Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast. Ross and Chandler are sitting at the foosball table and eating.]
Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! Youre not Elizabeths dad?!
Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh thats great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go.
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Ross: Professor Neuman, the head of the department, so .
Rachel: Uh-huh. I know. It was just, it was just the perfect way to say goodbye. (She hugs him, and Ross looks crushed.)
PHOEBE: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.
[Phoebe slams on the breaks. Joey and Rachel are thrown forward into the pillows in their laps.]
Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and Im not really in a, in a commitment kind of place.
[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Ross bursts into the room.]
Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.
The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I mean you had just moved in.
Joey: So youve just married the one time then?
Chandler: Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?
Monica: All you had to do was buy the card!
PHOEBE: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are.
Phoebe: If you could do that, Id marry the hippity-hop.
[Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the rest of the gang enters.]
[Another set of flashbacks begin with Episode 521: The One With The Ball, Joey and Ross are throwing a ball around.]
Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.
The Woman Dealer: Which guy?
Rachel: (on the answering machine) Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you can just let me off...
Chandler: also I was the point person on my companys transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system.
Monica: Hes gonna eat the cake!
(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)
Ross: Right, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.
Rachel: Not in the street!!
Phoebe: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided Im gonna carry their baby.
(Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.)
Phoebe: You did the right thing.
Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her slow friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!
Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? (Pause.) Is somebody pregnant?
Ross: You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. (Rachel has moved closer, but hearing that she starts to back up.) Was there a second of all?
Ross: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?
Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading.
Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I cant, I cant tell you that, its like the most awful, horrible thing Ive ever done my whole life.
Rachel: Id love that. I would loooove (Carol goes to make the coffee and she sits down.) So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little...
Sid: I still cant believe it! Im the luckiest guy in the world!
Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guys cell phone?
Joey: (laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross, well nowwhy did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian?
[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting Emma down for a nap.]
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone.
Chandler: Is this because of the burrito thing?
Joey: (yelling from the bedroom) Is it back in the cage?
The Director: Cut!
Monica: Okay, the owner of Allesandros came over to yell at me, but instead I made him some sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef!!
Earl: Im actually the office manager.
PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am *so* bad at this.
Phoebe: Ugh, its so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could(Groans, hacks, and then freezes with her eyes open and her tongue hanging out.)
Dr. Harad: Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz.
Monica: This bottle opener. (She grabs it off of the freezer door.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross lays a lot off small papers, shaped like the U.S. states onto the floor making a map with the states. Phoebe enters]
The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with Frannie.
Ross: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.
Joey: (bends down to see and the cactus pricks him in the ass) AWCH! That's why.
Joey: Yeah! I made it of this fruit bowl I found in the garbage.
Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.
Joey: (entering, dancing and singing) Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! (He dances around the dinner table and exits)
Rachel: You stole the phone!
Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Joey: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? (To the Hombre Man) Hey, how ya doin'?
Rachel: Yeah! You know, ever since I had that dream about him, and can't get it out of my head! And what's the big deal, people do it all the time!
PHOEBE: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play. (Out on the sidewalk, singing) When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la....
(The cute guys phone rings.)
Phoebe: What?! Thats the first time today!
Roy: So where's the young lady who I'm supposed to take (he shakes his hips) downtown! (Monica points Phoebe)