words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table.]
Monica: Im glad youre here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony.
Ross: Whats the matter? You okay?
Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony.
Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading.
Ross: Sorry, Im kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.
Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and
Joey: Oh well, theyre killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) Its winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)
Monica: And the way she slaps all the time!
Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And shes been on the show forever, its gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her?
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in Central Perk]
Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.)
Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.)
Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.
Phoebe: Yeah That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. (They both get up.)
Rachel: What? Wait! Why why do you get the story?
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone.
Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
(They edge closer to the phone on the table.)
Rachel: Well umm, maybe we could uhh (Grabs the phone) Ah-ha! Too slow!!
(She holds the phone out and starts taunting Phoebe. Phoebe calming knocks the phone out of Rachels hand and catches it.)
Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dinas head to her other shoulder so that shes the only one in the picture.)
The Director: Cut!
Cecilia: Youre not the fan whos dying are you?
Joey: No. No, Im Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-Im the guy in the coma!
Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since Im getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me
Cecilia: I-I-Im leaving the show?
Joey: Oh uh, one of the writers.
Joey: Ms. Monroe (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still arguing over the phone.]
Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; thats not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why dont we, why dont we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone.
Phoebe: (handing Rachel the phone) Fine all right, but Id bet youd be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.
Rachel: (checking the speed dial) All right, first name on the speed dial is mom.
Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.
Rachel: Yes okay. (Checking the speed dial again.) Well now see this isnt telling us anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hats a steak house!
Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! Hes got Barneys on his speed dial.
Phoebe: So you dont know thats Barneys the store! That can be yknow his friends house, or a bar. Who has Barneys the store on their speed dial?
Chandler: I think its the dying cat parade.
Monica: It sounds like its coming from across the street.
[Cut to Rosss apartment, he his playing the Bagpipes, badly. Hes worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier. They both get up and move to the window.]
Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! (She looks through the window and sees Ross practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.) Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?!
Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang.
Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guys cell phone?
Rachel: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?!
Rachel: You stole the phone!
Rachel: Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebes bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebes handbag.)
Rachel: Oh is it?! (She answers the cute guys phone.) Uhh, hello? (On her phone) Yes hi, is Rachel there? (On the other phone) Yes she is, just one moment please. (To Phoebe, holding out both phones.) Its for me!
(The cute guys phone rings.)
Rachel: Oh my God! I bet thats him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh (In a sexy voice) Hello? Or should I be (Happily) Hi! Its Rach (Phoebe knocks the phone out of Rachels hand, catches it, and answers it.) Would you stop doing that?!
Phoebe: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yes, Im the one who found your phone.
Phoebe: What?! Thats the first time today!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Dina is at the craft services table getting some food as Joey walks up.]
Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself Im partial to
Cecilia: (walking up) Youre absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They dont know exactly when its going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and thats it.
Joey: Im so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show.
The Writer: It wasnt my decision!
Joey: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-yel-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you before was because well, Im really nervous about-about being you. Yknow if you can help me capture the essence of the character. Yknow? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the armchair.]
Monica: No! No-no theyre not. Theyre still very angry! But yknow Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous for? Sitting down and being quiet.
Ross: Well yeah-yeah the Scottish history is so much more
Monica: (interrupting) You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!!
Chandler: We heard you play all the way from your apartment!
Ross: Were you the ones called the cops?!
Chandler: Thats not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just dont feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Cecilia: So, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. (Joey is nodding.) You try.
Joey: Okay! (He scurries out the set door and re-enters, extremely impressed) All right!
Cecilia: No, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! Hes not finding it out for the first time! So, try it again.
Cecilia: Right. Hes not angry at the room either. Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!! (Joey gets a snooty look on his face.) All right, its a little weird, but its getting better. (Joey is pleased.) Oh well, Im gonna miss this woman so much. I dont know what Im going to do! I mean, its been 20 years of my life.
Cecilia: I probably shouldve just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but yknow I just got so comfy here! And Ohh, I turned down some amazing work!
Cecilia: Well, lets just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today!
Joey: You own the room. (She smiles and stares longingly into his eyes.) We should probably get-get uh
Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the mans face. (She does so.)
Cecilia: No! Its because that way the camera only sees her! (She takes her hands off his face.) Do you wanna try it?
Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I-I think your hands maybe a little off, they should be maybe right like (She grabs the back of his neck and kisses him passionately causing them to fall onto the couch.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for the cute guy to show up for his cell phone. Rachel is putting on perfume by spraying it ahead of her face, and moving into it. Phoebe tries to steal some.]
(There is a knock on the door.)
Guy: Hi! Its Tom, Im here to pick up the phone.
(Rachel excitedly jumps up and heads for the door.)
Phoebe: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door?
Rachel: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone.
Phoebe: Okay. All right. (Hands her the phone.) Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
(Phoebe opens the door and Tom, an older gentleman with white hair, enters.)
Rachel: (laughs) Youre not the man who left the cell phone.
Rachel: Is-is he coming? (Looks hopefully out the door.)
(They walk into the living room.)
Phoebe: Oh thatd be me. Sir. (Hands him the cell phone.) After you.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Cecilia is entering the living room from Joeys room followed by Joey.]
Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you.
Cecilia: Oh that explains all the womens underwear.
Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! (Points to her cheek.)
Joey: All right, here we go. (He grabs them and starts to pull them out of the apartment.)
Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See ya! (Throws them out and closes the door.) (To Cecilia) I-I am so sorry. I
Joey: (notices something in the mail that Rachel brought in) Oh my God!
Joey: They sent me todays script! They never send the script!
Joey: (flipping to the last page) Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe.]
(He starts. And well, Celebration was never meant to be played on the bagpipe, so even the best bag pipe players in the world would have trouble with that particular song. So of course, for a beginner like Ross, it sounds absolutely dreadful. The assembled audience minus Phoebe, are horrified. Phoebe, immune to bad music, seems to enjoy it.)
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
(Ross throws the bagpipes down in disgust.)
Dina: Loosening the saddle on mothers horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired.
Jessica Lockhart: Whats the matter Dina? Dont you recognize your own (Does a hair flip) mother?!
The Director: Cut! That was great everybody! Thank you!
Joey: The airport?
Joey: Well I tell ya, I should probably buy a place in the city first. (Realizes.) And I just got what you meant againThat isI tell ya, that is a tricky one!
(They kiss and both put their hands on the others face like Jessica would do.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe. Yes, I typed that earlier. Were seeing this again, only this time Ross as already started playing.]
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
(Matthew mimics the sound again.)
(Why was this the trailer? Well, thats because it was an introduction into the special out takes episode that immediately followed the show. The entire out takes episode, Friends: The Stuff Youve Never Seen can be read by following this link.)
[Scene: Delmonico's. Ross is still waiting for his date and drinking wine. The waiter comes up to him again.]
Ross: (Screaming) Im getting married today!! Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door.)
Ross: (To Joey) So, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital.
Ross: Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say uh, (In a college frat boy voice) "Dude, dont you ever was your face?"
Joey: (to the rest of the gang) Somebody help me out here!
(Phoebe quietly wanders in, to join the tableau.)
(At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nasforatool start to get it on. Of course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gang to the film playing off screen.)
Monica: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up `cause he was trying to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger, without actually having to give it. I remember I cried the night you made it up, `cause it was the first time that I realized that I was actually cooler than my older brother.
Monica: No! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think it's the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures.
Chandler: Hey! (Joey doesn't look up, but gestures 'wait a minute' with his finger while he finishes reading the article. Chandler waits for Joey to finish.) I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I need you to ask me about fire trucks.
The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)
Rachel: And the video camera?
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to the podium and eyes the trophy.)
[Scene: Monicas, Monica is coming out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, as Chandler is entering.]
Joey: (offended) Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part.
Chandler: Theyre terrific, and they live right here in the city.
Chandler: Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months!
Ross: (to the receptionist) Thank you for a delightful stay.
Ross: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh?
[Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This guy playing street football catches a pass next to the car cover Joey is fooling around with.]
ROSS: [on the phone] Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n, homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect.
(Ross 'prompts' Chandler by hitting him on the arm.)
Monica: Whats with all this sand? (picking a handful of sand off of the floor, which is covered in sand)
Phoebe: So hes probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make the first move.
[Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.]
Ross: No, but ah, theres coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you what, Ill put you down for eight boxes, one for each night.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, but yknow, I think the reason were not getting that spin right is because my apartments too small.
Janine: Whats the matter? Are you upset?
Joey: I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all around. (Whispering) It was dead silent. Gorgeous. (Softly) And across the lake I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself but she was crying
Mr. Tribbiani: Just for a coupla days. I got a job midtown. I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry. (Sees Roger) I don't know this one.
The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay?
The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store arent gonna believe this! (Exits.)
Rachel: (with the sticks in her hands) Um... (She goes to the tarantula-cage and puts the sticks into it) Done!
Monica: What?! You cant shed a tear for your dead wife!! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!
The Fan: Excuse me.
Monica: The babies are asleep, Im sure youll be okay on your own for a while!
Ross: You know, I hate to lecture you guys, but it's kinda disgraceful, that a group of well-educated adults and Joey can't name all the states. Did you ever see a map, or one of those round, colorful things called "a globe?" Hmm?
Chandler: Well, You could, but... probably just the one time.
Monica: Mr. Bigot. He tells the most racist jokes.
Ross: I loved this place! To tell you the truth, I wish I didn't have to move.
Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. (Dead silence until Ralph gets off the elevator.)
(As Phoebe stands there in shock and disbelief, Chandler comes out of the bathroom and walks to his bedroom. Hes just got out of the shower and has the towel wrapped around himself high across his chest, and another towel wrapped around his head, like women wear towels. Joey watches Chandler wondering what the hell hes doing.)
Rachel: (changing the subject) Yknow Bob in Human Resources
Phoebe: (sarcastically) Okay Ross! (Ross exits and she says quietly to the bike) Please dont die!
Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you.
Joey: And, uhh, maybe the watering can there.
Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on this thing (Holds up a huge key ring with a thousand keys on it), the whole place might have exploded. If that happens at another building that I manage, people are gonna start asking questions. (To the fireman) Come on! Hurry up.
Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, heres what were gonna do. Okay, Im gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)
(Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.)
Rachel: Probably just the first half.
RACHEL: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me?
(Ross continues to talk to her as the camera pans to show Rachel standing in the doorway.)
Steve: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the building. (Exits.)
MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me?
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field?
MONICA: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.
Ross: What, that wasnt the great news?
Joey: You guys promised you'd be more careful! I mean, come on! The good Joey name is being dragged through the mud here!
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, yknow? Well pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for 'inspiration.' Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry and Mindy!
Richard: Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them. (Monica grabs his hand in the tomatoes.) Thats my hand.
[Scene: The Airport Ticket Counter, Monica and Chandler are standing in line behind another couple kissing who are next in line to be served.]
Rachel: (laughs) Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? I mean that aint a pretty picture in the morning, yknow what I mean. That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the night stand, y'know.
RACHEL: It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just...
Chandler: Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding
(Ross pours himself a glass of wine, hits record, and sits down in front of the camera.)
Phoebe: So, so far is this trip to Vegas better or worse than the trip to London?
Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?
PHOEBE: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.
Ross: (To Carol) No tongue. (And gives her the thumbs up.)
(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up. Ross enters from the bathroom.)
Ross: Okay, okay! Im going. Im going. (goes across the hall to knock on another door.)
(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out theyre having a contraction at the same time.)
Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his hand out of the way.)
Chandler: Okay, its just weird! Okay? I dont want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need I dont know what I need. I need a walk.
Rachel: No seriously, yknow the contracts I gave you, did you overnight them?
Ross: It's awful I know, I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have too. But the good thing is we can still see each other until she gets here.
Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?
Monica: This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids?
Doug: Good God Bing I well I cant say Im altogether surprised, I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there. And the way she looked at me, pure lust.
Rachel: But, theyre across the hall! I mean thats two doors away, it would take them a long time to peck their way back over here.
Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
Joey: OK, listen Ive been on sets before, so let me give you a little advice, alright? Its a show, but were just dancing, OK? Its no big deal. The important thing to remember stay cool.
Monica: Noo!! The point is that is was you that was there that night! It is you that I am marrying! It is you that I feel in love with!
Chandler: And the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps? (pause) What were the things you said?
(Then she reaches over again and Joey moves his plate a little to the left, and she misses, then she reaches out again, and he moves his plate to the right , so she misses again. She tries a third time and this time, Joey pushes his plate so far to the left, it drops off the edge of the table)
Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should go.
Joey: Oh yes I do. Otherwise whats next? Today Im just a guy who cant finish a turkey, but tomorrow Im the guy who eats half a Powerbar, wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? No! No, I just I justI gotta change my pants. (Gets up and heads for the door.) Jeans have no give. (Exits.)
[Scene: Rachel's job interview, she is waiting outside Mr. Zelner's (the interviewer) office banging her pen between her teeth.]
Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! Youre so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, cause you guys are perfect for each other. Yknow, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just it-it fits. Yknow? And you just know its gonna last forever.
Phoebe: By the way, its a costume party.
Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and its at the perfect angle so you dont get any glare coming of off Stevie.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Ross: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.
Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!
Chandler: Okay, Im going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.)
Monica: Oh no! Whats the matter?
Joey: The blizzard. I just saw on the news, it's like the worst snow storm in 20 years! They already closed all the bridges and tunnels. (Opens the curtains to reveal a snow storm outside)
Chandler: Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but Im (Joey hangs up the phone again.)