words in movies
{Transcribers Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, thats why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, theres Carol again!
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks.
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I dont need any assistance in there, take a break!
Ross: And thats Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Monica: Yeah! Shes right in there! (Points to Phoebes room.)
Joey: All right, and over there is Bradys Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, theres pulp in that. (Hands it back.)
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why dont we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why dont you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Carol: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Phoebe: I know! But if I didnt work there, what else would I do?
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Joey: Its uh, right through there. (Points.)
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey(She falls off the couch)Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, yknow? Because youve been waiting a very long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Chandler: Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
(She goes out into the hall and when shes there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Ross: Its just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Monica: There was just one woman, wasnt there?
Chandler: No, there were two.
Joey: Okay, hey, museum geeks, partys over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parents basement. All right. (The museum geeks exit and Joey unlocks his door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.]
Ross: (knew this was coming) There it is... (he comes back)
Ross: (waking up) What? (notices that there is now a beautiful woman sitting next to him)
Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me! (They both just stare at her.) Okay, dont believe me, I know Im rightdo you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink?
Rachel: Oh yes I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And do you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. Thats why I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. Hell find me.
Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, were making out. You know.
MONICA: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he has to be there.
Chandler: Dont worry, Im brave! I am brave! I I am brave! (They get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.) (Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there please?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a shopping bag.]
Rachel: Yknow, I never thought Id say this about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies. (Joey brings over a stool at sits on it next to Rachel whos in the big chair.) What are you doing over there? Come sit here, you protect me.
Joey: So did you uh, happen to catch my toast up there?
Rachel: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!
[Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who's dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! "Join me, and together we'll rule the universe as father and son!" (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in thereOoh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don't have to see it!)]
Joey: Maybe she wants you to learn something. Huh? Now is there anything youre really bad at yknow, sexually?
Mr Zelner: But I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do... Ah, it's not true, there is... nothing I want to do.
Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didnt ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
OPENING TITLES [Scene: Monica and Rachels apartment. The whole gang is there.]
ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.
Joey: Road trip! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just have to be there by Tuesday!
Ross: Hey, what do you think they're doing in there?
[Scene: Central Perk. The entire gang is there, and Chandler and Monica are handing out presents.]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]
Amy: Old? Yeah! But he travels a lot, so he's hardly ever there.
Chandler: Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little Blackjack? (Holds up a deck of cards.)
Phoebe: (Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay?
Rachel: We should defiantly play football more often. Maybe theres a like league we could join or something.
Ross: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a little.
Ross: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have 49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I should be able to eat something.
Phoebe: Hey! What do you have there?
Phoebe: No, cause she didnt tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean Ive only got a week left, yknow? Ive really gotta start living now! (So she picks up the latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto magazine), leans back, and starts reading.)
Monica: Call us when you get there.
Joey: You got to tell me exactly what to do there.
Man: (entering) Is there a Julio here?
Phoebe: We're so stupid! Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey!
Phoebe: (singing) "Are you in there little fetus? In nine will you come great us? I will buy you some Adidas."
(She runs up to the gate and the gate attendant standing there.)
Air stewardess: There is no Philange!
Rachel: Its not a miracle Joey! Im sure theres some explanation.
Phoebe: There she is!
Ross: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The deans office just called and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour?
Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldnt it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
(She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them. Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I dont think Joey and Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And theyre on the same couch. Which means theyre sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is on the other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping together. Well, there hasnt been any clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping together. Not that theres anything wrong with that. That is unless youre a Republican in which that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of Western society, especially if they should happen to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at the same time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up.]
Rachel: No, I-I-I love it there.
Monica: All right, listen up. There is usually only one dress in each size so when they open those doors, fan out. Now, this is what youre looking for! (Holds up a picture of it.) Memorize it! When you locate the dress, blow on these. All right? (She passes out whistles to them.) Three short blasts, when you hear it. Come running.
Monica: No-no, its not okay! Its not! I mean you were just Youre so incredible! You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me! Yknow Im just gonnaI, I am gonna make this up to you! I will! I-I am going to cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and I am going to do anything you want in there! (Points to the bedroom.)
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachels, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.]
Ross: (taping Joey with the cam) Hey, there is uncle Joey!
Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna...
Chandler: Ho-oh, hes gonna get some! (Rachel looks at him.) Of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. Yknow so umm, hes closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well, Im off to bed! (Goes to bed.)
EDDIE: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes laughing] That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it?
Rachel: Emmm. Now, instead of the vegetables, is there anyway I can substitute the three-pound lobster?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is there as Joey enters happily.]
Doug: No, its a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. Were gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there!
Chandler: Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. (Monica stumbles on the steps.) Okay, (catches her) youre doing great. Youre doing great. Youre doing fine.
Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing!
ROSS: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal?
Monica: Im fine now, but it was really scary there for a while. I mean, someone slipped a-a threatening note under the door.
Monica: (Interrupting) Oh, what about that guy over there? (She points at another guy and Gunther is deflated.) Remember? That is the guy you flirted with at the counter that time.
[Scene: Rifts Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]
Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesnt wear a cup.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel returns from her interview.]
[Scene: Rachel's party, Rachel is on the balcony, Monica goes there also]
[Scene: Central Perk, all but Chandler are there, Joey laughs for no apparent reason.]
Chandler: Well, youre gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, were switching it back! Theres nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
The Museum Official: Yes. Were very popular. Theres a two-year waiting list. Sorry! (She kinda storms out with the couple.)
[Scene: Estelle's (Joey's Agent) Office, Joey is there.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, everyone except Chandler is there; they're opening their presents]
PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo?
Chandler: (excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what Joey: Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?! Monica: (shocked) Really? (She looks around, suddenly embarrassed) Let's get past the moment. Phoebe: What's your news? Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers) Monica: (hugging Chandler) Oh, honey, that's incredible! Phoebe: (inquisitive) Gosh, what's the pay like? (Everybody stares at her indignantly) Oh, come on people (defending) come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! (She looks at Joey) Hey Joey! (Joey winks at her) Chandler: Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship. Joey: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'. Chandler: Right. So, it'll be the same except less sex with you. (Joey nods) Ross: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there? Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like. Phoebe: (enthusiastic) That's great. Chandler: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating (At the same time, Gunther puts down a cup of coffee in front of Chandler) Chandler: (grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble! (Gunther shoots a nasty look at him while leaving) Ross: You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think, I would have been really good in advertising. Monica: Ross, you did not come up with "got milk?" Ross: Yes, I did, I did! (He turns to Joey, disappointed) I should have written it down!
Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy whos going like this (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)
Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, Im gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, Ill set you up with a clean one. (She throws it at the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.) Okay, Im sorry. I didnt mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Okay? Cause lets face it, were at Monicas. (She crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All right. Well, thats just the way that goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you cant answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, youre a lot mischievous! Well, itll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Okay, you sit with your brother and sister nowwho arent there! (They both have disappeared as well.)
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?
Phoebe: Whoa!! Thatokay, thats a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well okay, so is thereis maybe is there something that I can do yknow just to like help make sure I get pregnant?
[Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross enters.]
Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up?
Ross: ... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...
Joey: I wanna be mr. Wigglemunch. (and makes a "there" nod to Ross)
Emily: I wish I could know if youd heard any of that. I suppose Ive either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if youre listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose theres not much chance you did heard that, and theres the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello.
Chandler: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. (Turns around and sees that Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming from a box) Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack. (Hears the giggling again)
Caitlin: I just, I thought Joey was there.
PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Ross: We are having a baby together, but were not involved. (The cashier, a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at him angrily) Or, yes stranger, wed like this delivered please.
[Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Phoebe: Well, Im not sure. I mean, I guess until she y'know, gets used to the fact that theres y'know, a new mom. Y'know, I think shes worried that y'know, shes gonna, shes gonna be replaced. (to the cat, in a funny voice) Well, thats not gonna happen is it? Noo. (gets up) Okay, I have to return a call in the other room.
Chandler: I think there may be another reason. So, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake?
Joey: All right! Thanks! Youre the best! Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?
Ross: (enters) It's me. Ron. (Mr. Zellner looks annoyed) Look, I um, I now Rachel turned you down but I think there is a way you might be able to get her to come back.
Guy: Oh believe me, I-I-Ive been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus.
Ross: I know, but ahhhhhh!! I really wanna go up there and finish that kiss!
Ross: (in his head) All right, keep going. We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So without out re-testing the results in the laboratory (pronounced the British way) the team would never have identified (British) the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis (British). Were there any questions at this point? (One student raises his hand.) Yes. (Points to him.)
Rachel: Gotta go! (Opens the door to a boy in a cape.) Hi! Wow! There you go! (Hands him some candy.)
Joey: Damnit! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore!?
[Scene: Monicas Hotel Room, Chandler and Monicas parents and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
Joey: All right, look! If this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it, all right?! This means something to me! And if it doesnt mean anything to you, then you should get out of there, otherwise youre just an idiot in a box!
Chandler: Good morning everyone, it�s nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? (colleague raises hand) Yes, Ken is it?
Joey: Come on man theres gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?
Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when youll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And Im ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, hes got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me Im stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you.