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Ross: (quietly) That would be nice.
Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!
Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late.
Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the boit'sit's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um... here's a picture of me... (hands it to Monica)
Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.
Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug)
Monica: Y'know, just be there for her.
Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.
Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.
Rachel: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great.
Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date!
Phoebe: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.
Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna...
Monica: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise.
Monica: Behind my brother's back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.
Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy....
Carl: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!
RICHARD: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is.
RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
Chandler: Because that would be crazy?
Ross: Getting it away from me would be job one.
Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage?
Ross: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of deal.
Rachel: Well, look, it's hardly snowing anymore. I mean you couldn't ask for a more romantic setting. This could be the simple wedding you've always wanted!
Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us.
Joey: Does it have to be a whole day?
Joey: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway.
Monica: What makes you think that I might not be okay?
Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is (Opens the envelope) Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldnt be with us tonight so Ill be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And Im sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. Shed also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel whos sittin right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)
Joey: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed.
Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.
Phoebe: I don't know, you might be the first one.
Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.
Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice?
Phoebe: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're in such a breezy place.
Ross: How, how, um how can you not be going?
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...
Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)
Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.
Joey: This will just be my batch.
Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father.
Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?
Phoebe: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'
Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved.
Malcom: I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you.
Ross: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. (starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just before he starts drinking)
Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.
Ross: Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean this guy abandoned you! I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger! (Getting worked up) I mean I-I-I'd walk in there and I'd be like, "Yo, dad! You and me outside right now!" (Calming down.) I kinda scared myself.
Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
Ross: Now, if you wanna try to make some of it back, Id be glad to play you for it. But I should warn you, I am very good at Cups.
ROSS: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass.
ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.
Joey: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater.
Chandler: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side!
PHOEBE: I hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.
Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.
Chandler: Can I be that guy?
Monica: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy.
Monica: You know what, everything's gonna be okay.
JOEY: Aw, man I'm sorry (starts rubbing Chandler's shoulder). This must be very tough for ya, huh (and starts comfroting him looking for a kiss).
Rachel: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.
Carol: Oh please God, let there be a song.
Rachel: Well relax, hell be here.
Joey: Hey, Monica, who would yours be?
Rachel: What about you honey, who would be on your list?
Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldnt be so hard, now that youre dating. (Imitating men at their worst) "Sweetheart, youre fired, but how bout a quickie before I go to work?"
Phoebe: My moms gonna be here any minute. I cant do this, I cant give him up. Yesno, I can. I dont want to. But I can. No.
Joey: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. (Monica gasps) Yeah.
Chandler: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody whos gonna be in the country like all the time.
Phoebe: No, no, you can get one yourself. Itll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for?
Phoebe: All righty. Ill be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me?
Phoebe: No, no, no, I wouldnt do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, Ill get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited?
Ross: That would be me.
Frank: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be.
Chandler: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know shes too international, y'know shes never gonna be around.
Joey: I know, but Im a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.
Ross: (to the rest of the gang) Were just gonna be friends.
Ross: Im sorry the answer there would be...none of us.
Monica: (entering from bedroom) Okay, Ill be back in just a minute. Oh, Phoebe Im sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone.
Ross: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home by now, soo...
Ross: (crying) Yeah, but this cant be it, I mean.
Eric: Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, I hope thats cool.
Monica: Oh look, the pool tables free. Rack em up. Ill be back in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt.
Monica: Oh, thatd be great.
Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandlers new roommate.
Eric: Hi, Im Eric, Im gonna be Chandlers new roommate.
Phoebe: That was supposed to be a good thing, I forget why. Just listen, Monica, I, do you know, okay, do you know, I couldnt sleep for like a month because I got like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions.
Chandler: Oh yeah, that sounds great. (starts to leave) Oh, and listen, its, its gonna be....
Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.
Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!
Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.
Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, its a sickness really.
Phoebe: I cant follow Ross! Itd be like those bicycle ridding chimps that followed The Beetles. No.
Chandler: Y'know what maybe its gonna be okay, I mean its been a week.
Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but thats why you have got to be the bigger man here.
Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
MONICA: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.
Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not.
MONICA: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?
JOEY: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.
ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...
Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because its, its, its not gonna be easy.
Rachel: Oh! That would be sooo much fun!
Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. Theyre like, theyre like a family, and if, I dont know, theres chance they could make that work, I know I wouldnt want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy?
Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldnt make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say Like me! Like me tiny doctor!
Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, Id be serving him sneezers.
Monica: All right look, if I take Chandler out of the running will you be able to focus?
Monica: Come on Rach, come on. Lets see whats it like to be on a winning team for a change.
Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and its offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldnt be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
CHANDLER: And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.
Mike: You should be careful when checking your overhead bins, 'cause items may shift during...
Chandler: Dont go! Im sorry. Im so sorry! (Sees another guy who is still asleep.) Look! This guy fell asleep! He fell asleep too! Be mad at him! (Looks at him more closely.) Or, call an ambulance.
Susan: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show business.
Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the background Monica mouths Dont worry, Ill be here the whole time. to Ross.) Yes! Thatd be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically mouths Yeah! and holds up her thumb.)
Chandler: Yeah, thatd be much worse than being 28, and still working here.
Ross: Sweetie, calm down, its gonna be okay.
Donny Osmond: Yeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani! (Joey's amazed at the place and he keeps looking around till he realizes the audience is applauding him)