words in movies
[Flashback scene from last week, Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Rachel, Ross, Monica and Chandler are there.]
Chandler: How did the job stuff go?
Chandler: Or facing a bitch of a commute.
Chandler: My boss said I might be getting a new lamp in my cubicle. (Monica looks at him and can't really place what he just said)
Joey: What? No, no, no! No, no... no... no, no... No, too much is changing, okay? First, Phoebe getting married (to Phoebe) Congratulations! (pointing to Monica and Chandler)... and then these two move into a stupid house in the stupid suburbs...
Chandler: Well, it makes me feel sad, but...
Chandler: I see.
Chandler: Is this the best way to use one of your three magic wishes?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's reading a newspaper. Chandler and Monica walk in.]
Monica: Hey Phoebe. Hey, tell me what you think. All right. The house next door to the one that we're buying in Westchester? Just went on the market. I wanna take a look at it, but Chandler doesn't.
Chandler: We close escrow tomorrow, so seeing another house can only confuse us, and we're easily confused. We're not very bright.
Chandler: What do you think Pheebs?
Chandler: Yeah.
Chandler: You're kidding!
Phoebe: Yeah, last Saturday. Wow! She was the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic. (Chandler and Monica look puzzled) Oh, wait a minute, I read the wrong one.
Chandler: Oh yeah?
Chandler: I know. *He* always wanted to be the first black man to cross the Atlantic.
Chandler: Unless Snoopy says it to Charlie Brown, I think we're okay.
[Scene: house next to the one the Bings are moving into. Chandler and Monica knock, a lady opens the door.]
Chandler: It feels like we’re cheating on our house. And if we’re gonna cheat, shouldn’t it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won’t do?
(Chandler and Monica are speechless).
Chandler (to Monica): Sure.
[Scene: The house Monica and Chandler are viewing. Janice comes down the stairs.]
Chandler: And yet I never run into Beyonce!
Janice: Oh, we go way back. Before Monica made an honest man out of him, Chandler used to be my little love muffin! (does her irritating laugh). So? Are you guys thinking of getting this house too? Ooh! Are we gonna have a bidding war? I'd better warn you, I'm a toughie (playfully punches Chandler, who tries to get away from her)
Chandler: (at Janice's punching) Don't, don't! (looks disgusted)
Chandler: (To Monica and with bulging eyes) Why!?
Janice: Ooh, that decides it then. I was on the fence. But knowing that you two would be our neighbors? Ah! now we have to get it! (Chandler and Monica are utterly shocked) Ellen, we're going to talk numbers. (Grabs Ellen by her elbow and pulls her outside)
Chandler: This can not be happening!
Chandler: The only way that that is going to happen, is if the other couple are the Hitlers.
Chandler: That is a great idea! And by the way, I don't mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!?
Chandler: Alright alright, we still have three hours till escrow closes on our house. We can still get out.
Chandler: Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and (apes Janice's voice) "Oh My God"!
Chandler: (looks afraid, but at the same time, knows she's right) Well, we have to do something. We can't have her living next door. (Janice's laughs loudly outside) Oh, that does it too. (Motions with his index finger like Monica did)
[Scene: The house next door to Chandler and Monica's new house. Chandler is pacing worriedly through the living room when Janice enters.]
Chandler: The Hitlers will be so disappointed.
Chandler: Wait! I just want you to know that... I'm so happy you're going to be here.
Chandler: Because... that way... we can pick up where we left off.
Chandler: I never stopped loving you.
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you... I need you... I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein.
Janice: Chandler, what are you talking about?
Chandler: Now that you live next door, we can be together every day. Sid and Monica never have to know a thing.
Chandler: (stunned) Obviously.
Chandler: Don't say that. Don't tangle the dream and take it away.
Janice: Chandler, one of us has got to be strong.
Chandler: I understand.
Janice: Although, maybe just... one last moment of weakness... (she kisses Chandler flat on the mouth. Chandler squirms. When she's finished, he looks at her lovingly but uneasily.) Goodbye Chandler Bing. (She leaves)
Chandler: (speaking as in pain) They're never coming down now.
Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it's Joey, Rachel and Chandler).
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]
[Flashback to 524 - TOI Vegas, Part II] [Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
Chandler: Do you think that theres a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as youre driving into town theres-theres like a sign, and it says Youre in Sample. (He says it like urine sample.)
Chandler: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls Janice to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. (runs out the door)
CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.
(She walks down the aisle with the groomsman. We cut to inside Central Perk, where Phoebe and Chandler are waiting.)
(Chandler and Joey look at her, and then look back at him. They dive for Ross's hand to see what he had, and he tries to stop them from looking.)
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Chandler: You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...? (Monica starts laughing, but very exaggerated. Joey realises they also should laugh and punches Ross. Now all three of them laugh, but very fake. Chandler seems happy again.)
Chandler: You gonna buy a new one?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal]
[Rachel holds the tray between them. Chandler grabs the muffin before Monica can.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn, throws the bouquet over her head, and those you who are quicker than some already know that Monica is the one who catches it.]
[Scene: A Theatre, Chandler and Ross are there to watch the premiere of Kathys play.]
Chandler: (To Ross) No, thats okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever gonna had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way its okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if Im sure? (He leans in and kisses her.)
CHANDLER: You know, it's funny.� I've been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself.� (He raises his hands in front of himself, sticks out his behind, and wiggles it.)� Hi ya.
Chandler: My wife and I have some boundary issues, you know, sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. We're working on it.
Chandler: Oh, then I'll tell you. My agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! It's my first national commercial!
Chandler: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?
CHANDLER: [reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the case] Thanks best bud.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the ring he bought and not liking it.]
Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, its going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! Were not even sure why were having it.
Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!
Chandler: Yeah, and I don't wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine! (silence) Hell, you weren't there? All the ideas were mine!!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another showdown is occuring, only this time its between Ross, a plate of cookies, and the breast milk. They've been eyeing each other for a while now, and Chandler and Joey are getting bored. He checks his Ross and in frustration, shoves his watch in front of Ross's eyes as if saying, "Hurry it up already!" Finally, Ross scratches his head, does that again, itches his nose, scratches his head, grabs the bottle, takes a big swig, and piles several cookies into his mouth.]
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler, Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to make a toast.]
Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly.
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]
Chandler: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at Joey) GET UP!!
Chandler: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler; funny is all I have!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]
Joey: Oh, heres where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the buffet table with Chandler in tow.)
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when Im doing something exciting and I dont wanna get too excited, I just ahh, yknow try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler!
[In slow motion, as some haunty demonic music plays in the background, Joey throws the ball in, Chandler quits playing and goes for his Chinese food. Joey smacks the ball really hard, shooting it down the table. Chandler slowly takes a bite, the ball bounces off of the wall, heads back up the table, and scores the goal for Chandler.]
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak. (Doug looks at him.) But to hell with that bitch.
[Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are there eating pizza.]
Joey: I couldn't. He was saying all these really nice things about me. I didn't want him to get mad and take 'em all back. I'm on a edge on Chandler.
Joey: I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt. Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God. Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business. Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me! Ross: You're right, you're right, it is.
Chandler: Yknow what? I dont trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and Im takin it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.)
Chandler: So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you?
Chandler: Oh Im sorry! Do you need a break?
Chandler: Im sorry, were just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with.
JOEY: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me. [hands Chandler a jewelry box]
Chandler: Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.
Ross: (To Chandler) Yknow what? Actually Im kinda glad theyre leaving cause uh, I need to talk to you about something.
CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
Joey: Its all London, baby! Here we go. (He takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler and starts towards the girls apartment.)
(Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.)
CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.
Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is (Opens the envelope) Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldnt be with us tonight so Ill be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And Im sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. Shed also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel whos sittin right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)
Rachel: Howhow did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.)
Monica: Oh, stop beating yourself up! People make mistakes! These things happen! There arent any message youve forgotten to give me are there? (Chandler has a disgusted look on his face.) Apparently youre not very good at it! I
Chandler: Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay? But after I unpacked the boxes I wanted to do something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the apartment. So I moved everything around and then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
[Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.]
Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler and Eddie are talking.]
[Scene: Chandler's office. Chandler is asleep in his chair holding a paper in one hand and a pen in the other. Joey walks in, waking up Chandler who covers by pretending to write on the paper.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is turning on the light to awaken a now sleeping Monica.]
Joey: (entering) Thats my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the rabbi) I can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, Im sorry Im a little late. You may be confused by this now, (Hes still in costume) but you wont be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, lets get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. Ive known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as Ive left my notes in my dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows. Monica?
(inside Chandlers apartment, Chandler is coming in from his bedroom, sees Mr. Heckles, and screams.)
Chandler: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink.
Janine: No, but you should go to Chandlers. Because none of us knows how to cook, well probably just end up drinking all day.
[All by myself is playing. Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.]
(A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central Perk is denoted by italics.)
Chandler: See, thats why I could never be an actor. Because I cant say gig.
Chandler: You are an amazing wife. (Monica shrugs) No really you're amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, I mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that.
Chandler: Alright, lo�look. I don�t smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it�s fine. (everyone lights up) So you all smoke then? That�s almost rude, that I�m not.
[Scene: A Strip Club, Doug and Chandler are there.]
Chandler: Well thats good. Because you didnt! And Im incredibly happy for ya!!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume
Ross: Chandler, what kind of an idiot do you take me for? (As he picks up the fake Ben.)
Chandler: She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross!
Phoebe: Oh, Greg and Jenny yuck! (Angrily) Hi Greg, Im Chandler this is Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg.
Chandler: Yeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and puts it through the handles so that the doors wont open) Im out five big ones! (puts the money in the crack between the door and frame) Here you go.
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee at the counter. Chandler walks in.]
Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub.
Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby?
Chandler: I did! But the store wouldnt take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out?
Chandler: It was fine, yknow? But she didnt agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, "I see you point, Im all right with it."
[Scene: A 747 somewhere over the North Atlantic, Monica and Chandler are sitting in first class, depressed.]
Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides yknow, nothing goes with Bing. So Im screwed. I mean (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh, hi Emma. Yeah, thats you. Youre our little Em. Oh whats that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin right now?!
(They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are showing a couple of guys (Tony and Peter) the entertainment center.]
(They are standing on either side of Chandler as they discuss the point. Chandler, meanwhile, is disgusted with the whole argument.)
Chandler: Oh its always nicer to here than, "Aw crap! You again!"
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey's home alone, reading a Sports Illustrated magazine when Chandler enters.]
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are waiting for Phoebe to arrive with the cab.]
Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, "If it helps!" (Goes to the bedroom.)
Chandler: You can be the best man when I get married.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; Joey returns carrying a bucket of chicken, and starts going through the mail. While doing this, Monica's picture falls out. He bends over to pick it up and gasps. While he's staring at the picture, Rachel decides to come over and sees him looking at the picture.]
Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom.
[Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at the dinner table, Monica is looking in the fridge.]
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler and Monica are there, of course. Like who else would it be, duh!]
Chandler: But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom wont let me cross the street.
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.
JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer?
Chandler: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight.
Chandler: Look, you cant call somebody after this long just to say, In case you didnt notice, I dont like you!