words in movies
Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.
(Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)
Rachel: Im sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.)
[Scene: Joeys apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.
Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?
Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out?
Ross: What, you didnt get it? The doctor is a monkey.
Ross: Your joke? Well, I think the Hef would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.
Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.
Monica: Its wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.
Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that youre just kinda high maintenanceOkay lets go to lunch!
Monica: That is completely untrue. You think Im high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and were going to go through it point by point!
Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool.
Chandler: So is your apron. Youre wearing it like a cape.
Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachels, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]
Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]
Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. Im sorry, that seat is taken.
Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.
Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.
Ross: Well each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truthme.
Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?
Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steves doctors name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, Doctor Monkey? And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)
Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and its offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldnt be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
Chandler: Is not.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, shes lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]
Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and(He falters and Monica prompts him.)generosity of spirit.
Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think Ive ever heard.
Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition.
Rachel: Joey, you cant let him get away with that. Ya know what, Im not going to let him get away with that. Im going to say something to himNo, I really shouldnt say anythingNo, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him
(Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.)
Rachel: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun.
(They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.)
Joey: Rach, there is a decent place to
Ross: That is so unfair!
Phoebe: His first big kids bike, this is so exciting!
Phoebe: Yeah, oh Im sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, its a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! Im so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, causeOh! Im pregnant!
Receptionist: Oh that one is available now, but only identical twins are eligible. Its a twins study.
Monica: Hello? (Listens) What?! (Listens) You what?! (Listens) Hey you listen here missy! (Listens) Wh(She is hung up on.)
Rachel: Hi. Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct?
[Scene: Rachels Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone.]
Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm, Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love.
Monica: (turning a light on) Who is that?!
Monica: Hi. Do you know what time it is?
Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebes old massage place is getting fired.
Chandler: Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians.
Phoebe: (gasps) Does that mean Carcass is available?
Chandler: What is the matter with you?
(There is a knock on the door and Monica answers it. There is a woman standing there.)
Monica: What am I gonna do?! That is the dress! That is the dress! Wh Chandler wants the band. What do I do?
Krista: (calling from the bathroom) Danny! Hurry up! The bath is getting cold!
Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? Im her sister.
Chandler: You-you-you didnt know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is done!
Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to MonWhoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?
Ross: Oh, no, it's great. It's great. He is... He is an amazing guy.
Rachel: (looking at his butt) There it is. (They hug.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is getting ready for his date with Kristen.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return.]
Roy: I may have borrowed this from my nephew, but let me assure you, what's underneath (points at his groin)... is all man.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is on the phone, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the kitchen.]
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play a game with him.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are entering, Joey is on the phone.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting a cup of coffee and sits down next to Monica.]
Ross: I...reorganized the fridge. See, bottom shelf: meats and dairy. (Theres nothing on the shelf.) Middle shelf: fruits and vegetables. (Theres one lone tomato.) And top shelf: expired products. (The shelf is jammed packed.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachels, Joey is sitting behind a red drum set.]
Maitre d': I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is getting ready for Chandlers arrival. He enters and finds the place lit with candles and dinner on the table.]
Ben: When is Santa coming?
Joey: This is impossible Monica, why dont you just pick all 15? (Hands back the paper.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters carrying a bag.]
Joey: Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest bidder is at table one.
Rachel: The logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half!
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Chandler and Monica coffee.]
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is whirling Ben around.]
Joey: What is Rock 'n' Roll about that?
Joey: Oh. Well good! (To himself) For me. (He picks up a jar of lotion.) What is this? Did you give yourself a facial?
Phoebe: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums.
Chandler: (to Clunkers) It is so good to see you!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, later that night, there is someone knocking on the door and Chandler stumbles out into the living room, turns on the light, looks through the peephole, and opens the door.]
ROSS: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir.
Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!
Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. Its good to have you guys on my team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, lets go out there and get em! Huh? And remember, there is no I in team.
Monica: Yes, is that okay?
(Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from another woman.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Rachel: Pheebs is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is at the sink and Chandler is looking at a ring brochure.]
PHOEBE: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.
Joey: (yelling from the bedroom) Is it back in the cage?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and Ryan are there. Ryan is in uniform, getting ready to leave.]
Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong.
Ross: Well, what is she goes down and-and sleeps with a bunch of guys?
Ross: Phoebe hes right, that is the rule.
Joey: The RossIs that back?!! (Chandler motions no.)
Krista: Here, I'll get it. (She grabs a napkin and tries to wipe it up. The thing that gets the rest of the gang going is that she's whipping awfully close to his crotch. In fact, she is whipping his crotch. Chandler's about to come out of his chair.)
Pete: ...so y'know, thats why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y'know, so you could be like-like, Wash my car. Clean my room. Its not gonna be able to do any of those things, but itll understand what youre saying.
Phoebe: Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy shes done.
Ross: Oh here, I think this is us. (Reading the name cards.) Yeah.
Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that couldve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! Im the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what youre gonna do. Youre gonna get a job, youre gonna get an apartment, and then Ill help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us?
MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.
Monica: It's just... It's hard enough not seeing you during the week, but for Christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do, I understand.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, what is it?
Phoebe: God Joey, this is taking forever!
Joey: Is to have a long, long talk. Yknow? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up.
Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goodys sale is over?!
Monica: It's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes, Joey throws his sticks in the air, and I have to hear, "Oh my eye! Oh god, my eye!" I mean, it is so annoying.
Monica: Well, if you really think about it, I mean four days is not that long. I mean, I see you Monday before you go to work, and I see you Thursday when you get back, and I always work late on Tuesdays, so really if you think about it, it's really just one day. And well, if we can't make it one day, we've got real problems my friend.
Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you cant have!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering without touching anything with his hands. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?
(Monica is shocked into silence.)
Chandler: Huh! Where is the dog?!
Ross: Well you shouldnt be. Believe me I wouldnt want to be the guy whos up against you. (Chandler laughs.) I mean that doofus is going to lose!
Joey: Well.. hey, you know what else I could use? There's a scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia's bedroom, and she doesn't know he's there - which never happened with us! And he knows he shouldn't be there, but he just wants to look at her... you know? (In a romantic voice) And I remember all those mornings before you even put on your make-up, when I would think to myself, my God, she...is... beautiful... (Rachel looks very moved) and it hurts so much, cuz I knew I could never tell you (pauses, while looking at her with sentiment) but it was worth it just to be there looking at you.
Rachel: Well forget it, Im not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility.
Ross: What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where Joeys standing.)
Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-ups apartment! Yknow, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, Monica is sleeping and Chandlers sitting in bed, wide awake.]
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is a beeping noise coming from the living room and Phoebe sleepily goes to investigate.]
Monica: It is in the living room where there is also a light! And no one will kick you in the shin.
Rachel: Yeah, I admit it. I have a crush on you, and uh, and, and I know that's crazy because we work together, and-and nothing could ever happen, and the last thing I want to do is-is to freak you out or make you feel uncomfortable. Which is why it would be really great if you said something right about now.
Phoebe: (looking up) There it is! Oh, look at that! Isnt Mother Nature amazing?
CHANDLER: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.
Phoebe: Yeah, swing music is so out.
Ross: Look I-I dont know whats going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Monica: Oh, I know! Umm, is it because he's always correcting people's grammar? Whom! Whom! Sometimes it's who!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is bringing Rachel some coffee.]
Tag: If this is your idea of sexy talk? (Shakes his head that its not working.)
Chandler: Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And theres another reason too.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Monica is entering with a mug.]
Rachel: Well, what is the other reason?