words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is on the phone.]
RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing [a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table] OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. [hangs up] OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. [grabs a pot and lid] OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. [puts pot over the pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the door] It's open you guys.
RACHEL: What? [in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away]
OPENING TITLES [Scene: Monica and Rachels apartment. The whole gang is there.]
MONICA: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?
PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.
MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple.
ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.
JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch.]
CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.
CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?
RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.
PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades.
JOEY: The Ice Capades?
CHANDLER: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny.
PHOEBE: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband.
ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. [holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest and flips the lid] Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?
CHANDLER: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . .
[Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.]
ROSS: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex?
RACHEL: No, no no no, don't need to know the details.
PHOEBE: Um, the matador. [Duncan leaves] Ole, ha ha ha.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross and Julie are setting the table.]
RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?
JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. [Chandler puts the tape in]
RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.
[video starts with the cheesy porn disco music]
CHANDLER: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
MONICA: All I say is, she better get the job.
ROSS: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.
JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, [Joey from TV] you know that's bad fo r the paper tray.
JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .
PHOEBE: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?
DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.
RACHEL: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie?
CHANDLER: I got the time to get to know Julie.
[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is signing the divorce papers.]
PHOEBE: [handing him the papers] Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink either answer would make me feel better.
[Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit]
RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.
RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.
[Scene: The next morning on the street. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.]
Ross: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. (Chandler checks and runs into the bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great. And hey! See you guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks wave at him.) Thanks Joey.
Kate: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! Youre-youre-youre the guy that doesnt know how to pour milk!!
Monica: This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I wouldnt put the aisle there and I would never have the ceremony there! (Points to both places.) I mean youd have the ceremony under this big beautiful arch. (The arch at the entrance to the room.)
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, so what? (On phone) Look, I live across the street, (walking to the window) and I know all about you and your little telescope, and I don't appreciate it, okay? (Listens) Yeah, I can see you right now! (Listens) Hello! (Listens) If I wanna walk around my apartment in my underwear, I shouldn't have to feel like(Listens)Thank you, but... that's not really the point... (Listens) The point is that... (Listens) Mostly free weights, but occasionally..
Monica: Because I know that you think the lottery is "boohaki" but we're all here and gonna watch the numbers and have fun. And you're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this.
Rachel: Yeah, okay, I'll see you later. (Gets up and runs from the apartment.)
Joey: That thing was a hazard! (To the potential roommate) Im very safety conscious.
Mike: Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved?
Monica: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to something....
Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors.
Chandler: Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts spreading envelopes among them) I had a little talk with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.
Monica: Yeah. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around:) Don't do the dance.
Ross: Hey Joe, while youre over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron?
Phoebe: I know! (Phoebe picks up a little packet of sugar, shakes it, and then realises she can't open it with one hand, but doesn't want to let go of Mike's hand. She tries to tear open the packet with one hand.)
RICHARD: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?
(Joey takes the ice-bucket with the champagne bottle in it and puts it on his sore spot)
[Cut back to the present, Ross is still looking at Rachel's invitation. Finally, he makes up his mind and mails it.]
(Her side of the tree looks a complete mess)
Rachel: Ahh, I dont believe you. I think you dont want them to see you begging me. (Goes to put the tape in the VCR)
Joey: Thats horrible! Well, you did the right thing man.
Rachel: (she's finished reliving the fridge of its entire alcohol content.) Macadamia nut?
Monica: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left!
Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Ross: (looks like in heaven) Lighter than air... (changes back to serious) But that's not the point. (Joey now also enters)
Rachel: Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire tracks that were leading up to the closed garage.
Chandler: I didnt mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
Joey: Oh and (Ross begins to open the door and Joey says some gibberish word to indicate to Ross that hes not done yet. Ross closes the door again.) Okay, and uh if anyone needs help pretending to like it, I learned something in acting class, try uh, rubbing your stomach (Rubs his stomach) or uh, or saying mmm and uh, oh oh! And smiling (Smiles while pretending to stir a bowl), okay?
Ross: Listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know Ill help you out.
Phoebe: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and well call that pulling a Monica.
Monica: God! If youre gonna cry about it! (She grabs the box and goes to through it out.]
Ross: Yknow what I think it is? I think youve made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesnt want to leave.
Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime thats the same.
Monica: You don't tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She's at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while I've got you, you've got curly hair. What do you do in humidity? (Mike hangs up the phone) Damnit!
PHOEBE: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.
Ross: (catching the ball) Monica! Stop throwing it so hard! We're on the same team!
MONICA: Really? Wow, well then come on, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.
Chandler: Okay, bye! (To the gang.) Oh my God!!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
(Joey is bent over at the waist and is looking for something under Monica's bed.)
Chandler: First of the month.
Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me right back in the driver seat.
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all!
Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) Ok.
Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it.
Rachel: How do you know that? What if it just gets worse and worse and worse, to the point where we cant even be in the same room with each other?!
(They walk to the table, but Rachel suddenly gasps. Sitting there is mr Zellner, her boss from her current job at Ralph Lauren.)
Rachel: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories (stops and tries to change directions) about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke.
PHOEBE: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how they're always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip.
JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door] This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall]
[Cut to London, Chandlers hotel room. He is getting ready for bed by doing push-ups. One push-up. Just as he gets under the covers, theres a knock on the door.]
Rachel: Now wait a minute. You just took all the words!
Monica: I dont know. I guess the other people just dont care enough.
Rachel: I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag.
Kim: Nancy and I were talking about the fall collection.
Rachel: Ughhhh!! Forget it! (Sits down heavily on the bed.) This is, this is not how this is supposed to happen.
Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) So um, who was she?
Rachel: Yeah, I cant live with Joey once the baby comes. I dont want my childs first words to be, (in a babys voice) "How you doin?"
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Ross is cleaning out the fridge. Joey walks from his room. He looks like he just woke up.]
Monica: He had to go, theres a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Joey: (jumps out of the box) I Gotcha!!
Chandler: They thought it was very smart of us to have a child write the recommendation letter.
Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)
(They both hug, and Rachel, who was in the back of the plane, sees this and smiles.)
(They break the embrace.)
RACHEL: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the blind date guy again?
[Scene: Ross's apartment the next morning. Ross is very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters with a cup of coffee for him.]
Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia.
Chandler: Okay. (He picks the 9 of Spades)
Chandler: Thats a bad duck!!! (to Ross) Howd the thing go tonight, Ross?
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
Chandler: Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him!
Doctor: Oh my. Were gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.
Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese.
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table.]
Monica: Sounds like shes got the ah, whole package.
Monica: Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie?
Rachel: Monica, you dont even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor!
Rachel: Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll run in the park. It'll be like our first yknow roommate bonding thing.
Phoebe: Oh my God! Thats the creep that youre with at the Statue of Liberty.
Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought wed lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down?
(They storm out into the street.)
Rachel: Maybe its not as bad as I think. Yknow, maybe they didnt take it the way I meant it.
Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference!
(Back in the chapel. The parents are still fighting over the bill. Ross is refereeing.)
MRS. GELLER: I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?
Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the chair.]
Monica: I know! Hey, you havent been practising the routine, have you?
Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.
Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered.
Rachel: (spinning the bottle) So, Spin the Bottle works like this: I spin the bottle, it lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther. (She crawls over to where Gunther is sitting and sees the look of anticipation on Gunthers face and decides not to kiss him.) All right. Who wants to go first?
Ross: Before the snap!
Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.
Pete: Oh, believe me, I dont want to get hurt either. Im being smart about this. See these guys? Theyre the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at him in Chinese) A house painter! He used to be a house painter.
Ross: Okay, okay, so we're in the car. Right? And bang! A shot was fired. And Joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me!
Phoebe: You'd better get back in that kitchen Monica, the garlic is not gonna overuse itself.
Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)
Rachel: Well, let�s see. The first one is: I don�t want to. And, you know, I�m not going.
Joey: (Looking around the room.) It is???