words in movies
Dedicated to the great work of Eric Aasen, Guineapig and many, many more
[Scene: Chandler's hotel room in Tulsa. He's fast asleep when the telephone rings.]
Chandler: (picking up the telephone, answering it with a frog in his throat) Hello? (he clears his throat, but he still has the same frog in his throat when he speaks again) Hello?
Monica: YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! I just had the best first day ever! The kitchen: twice as big as Allessandro's.
Monica: Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Geoffrey, he's the Maitre D., Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt, the funniest guy I have ever met. (Chandler, who was almost asleep again, sits up straight in bed in an instant and can't believe what he just heard.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the couch, holding hands, while Phoebe puts milk in her coffee.]
Phoebe: I know! (Phoebe picks up a little packet of sugar, shakes it, and then realises she can't open it with one hand, but doesn't want to let go of Mike's hand. She tries to tear open the packet with one hand.)
Phoebe: Yeah, I kinda do. (Mike lets go of her hand) Well, how's this? (she takes Mike's hand and puts it on her breast, she tears open the sugar and puts it in her coffee. Mike thinks it over and nods appreciative. After that, they hold hands again. Joey now enters, and sees the two sitting on the couch, holding hands.)
Joey: (in a very aaaaahhhhh sweeeeeet voice) Aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious? (Phoebe and Mike, embarrassed, start babbling and look away.) Have you not talked about it yet? (They say nothing now, but smile) Am I making you uncomfortable? (smiles are becoming forced now, and he speaks to Mike) If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh...? Aaaaaahhhhhh (he turns away to the bar)
Phoebe: Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five dollars.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Both of them sitting on the couch, interviewing a nanny candidate.]
Prospective nanny: (in a sweet, caring voice) I think that's really smart. The easier we can make the transition for her, the better. (Ross and Rachel seem pleased with the answer.)
Rachel: Allright. Well thank you so much for coming... (they're standing up and make their way to the door)
Rachel: Okidoki! (and she slams the door in the nanny's face while Ross crumples up the application form) Wow! We're never gonna find a nanny.
Ross: Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We have more interviews (They sit down and Rachel sighs) And worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the uhm... the first one we met with.
Rachel: (indignant) What, the blonde with no bra?
Ross: She was blonde? (he looks surprised for a while, but then gets a "gotcha" expression on his face... There's knocking at the door.) Just a sec.! Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a degree in early childhood education, uhm... she worked for her last family for three years.
Rachel: Okay... (Ross opens the door.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. There's a knock on the door, and Phoebe opens it.]
David: Well, just for a couple of days, uhm... I'm here to explain to the people who gave us our grant, why it's a positive thing that we spent all their money and uhm... accomplished uhm... nothing.
David: Well, it got me to New York anyway, and then I got on a cab at the airport, and the guy said where to? and I just... gave him your address I... I... I didn't even think about it.
Phoebe: A-Allright, well... I'll call the cab company.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica sits on the couch and Phoebe is pacing up and down the room.]
Phoebe: I'm... I'm just... I'm the worst person ever. How can I not tell David that I'm seeing Mike?
Monica: Really? The scientist guy?
Monica: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys?
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler comes home.]
Chandler: (angry) Funniest guy she's ever met! (to the door) I'm funny, right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock jokes... (laughs about himself, but then gets determined again) Save it for inside! (he enters)
Chandler: So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. (Monica looks at Phoebe, who also doesn't know what to say.) And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch.
Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk.
Chandler: What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? (Monica laughs) See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right?
Sandy: I realise how it's... a bit unorthodox for some people, but I really believe, the most satisfying thing you can do with your life, is take care of a child.
Ross: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap. (In the other room Emma starts to cry.)
Sandy: I er... I hope you don't mind. I used some of my home-made lotion on Emma. It's a mixture of calendula and honey cream. It'll dry that rash right up. Plus... It keeps the hands young... (it makes Rachel smile)
Chandler: Hey! (Joey doesn't look up, but gestures 'wait a minute' with his finger while he finishes reading the article. Chandler waits for Joey to finish.) I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I need you to ask me about fire trucks.
Chandler: Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever met.
Phoebe: No, no, it's not that. (they go sit on the couch) Uhm... Remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His ... his name is Mike.
Phoebe: Well... but David, just... I just want you to know that... that... you know... telling you this... is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Phoebe: Of course, yeah.(they hug and Phoebe sighs... a little after that also David sighs and makes his way to the door) You know, a kiss on the cheek wouldn't be totally inappropriate...
Phoebe: I mean... (David kisses Phoebe on the cheek, makes his way to the door and turns around again)
David: ...it's uhm... i-it's two on each cheek and uhm... and one on the lips.
Phoebe: Well, if that's what they do in Minsk... (They kiss 2 on each cheek... and then they pause... David turns to the door) In New York... it's... (and then David grabs her by her neck and kisses her full on the lips... They kiss passionately and cannot seem to stop.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Sandy sit on the couch. Sandy holds Emma. Ross enters the apartment. Sandy and Rachel wipe their tears away with handkerchiefs]
Sandy: Well, her favourite flower is the camellia. From the poem...
Rachel: Yeah! (to Sandy) Excuse me... (She walks to the kitchen with Ross and sighs)
Ross: (picks up a cookie) Okay, okay, see... that... that is the problem. He is too sensitive. (takes a bite from the cookie)
Ross: (speaking with his mouth full) Yeah, I mean, all things that guy... (looks at the cookie) These are amazing!
Ross: This... this is exactly what I'm talking about. What kind of a guy makes... makes... delicate French cookies, huh? They're not even... butch, manly cookies with... with... you know with... with chunks. (takes a careful bite from the cookie)
Rachel: Okay, what? What is too sensitive? (There's music coming from the living room. Ross opens the door to the living room and he and Rachel see Sandy play a song for Emma on his recorder. Rachel is moved by this, but Ross only sees his point proven again, and walks back into the kitchen, angrily. The door he was holding, swings back and hits Rachel.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She and David are still kissing each other in the living room.]
David: Uhm... uhm... Goodbye... Uh... Schto ya ztez vigul... ui... (David holds his hands gently on the back of Phoebe's neck. There's a sound of a a bunch of keys rattling, and the door opens... It's Mike)
Mike: Well... hey, the key works...! (he looks as if he doesn't want to believe what's happening)
Phoebe: (points to David) And you thanks for the face massage. Thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen and Ross enters.]
Ross: Oh really? Did she tell you he plays the recorder, recites poetry and bakes Madeleines?
Ross: (looks like in heaven) Lighter than air... (changes back to serious) But that's not the point. (Joey now also enters)
Ross: ...a what? A what? What's the end of that sentence?
Monica: Yes... What is the end of that sentence?
Joey: Uhm... A penis model. (Monica can't believe what's she's hearing and Ross pats Joey on the back.) Anyway, hey... Did you tell Chandler that some guy from work is the funniest guy you've ever met?
Joey: Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's feeling like... (the door opens and Chandler walks in with a pizza)
Chandler: You know, I don't mind a... male nanny, but I do draw the line at a male wetnurse. (again they laugh, even more fake than before)
Monica: Well, I don't know... I-It's... just the way you say it... I mean, you're funny... You have that funny thing. You're a funny guy! (Chandler turns to Joey)
Chandler: So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? (Joey and Ross walk away from the kitchen)
Monica: Honey, you know I think you're hilarious! Come on, you know that joke you told me last week? The one about Jerry Lewis and the girl with the lazy eye...? (he laughs) That slayed me.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. David is still there. Mike closes the door.]
David: Oh, uh... we just uh... happen to wear the same shade.
David: Really? Well, if you do, come in the spring. It's just lovely there.
Phoebe: Right! Never! Never! I swear! (They kiss... The door opens and David comes in again.)
[Scene: Ross walks in the hallway to his apartment and stops in front of his own door. Now he hears two recorders playing a song. When he enters, Sandy and Joey are playing the recorder and Rachel listens.]
Joey: Noooo... Three Blind Mice goes like this... (he puts his fingers in position on the recorder)
Sandy: Well, please welcome... The Snufflebumps... Who wants to be mr. Wigglemunch and who's gonna be the Grumpus?
Sandy: Actually studies have shown that the movement and colours help their cerebral development... The whimsical characters are just for us. (He winks to Joey and Rachel. Ross's face says he disapproves. Joey sees that and kind of angrily says...)
Sandy: Well, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus... (Ross goes to the kitchen)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's kitchen. Ross got a beer from the refrigerator and opens the bottle. Rachel now also enters the kitchen.]
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. Please apologise to Sandy and the Snufflebumps for me.
Ross: Well, you know what... I-I'm sorry I'm the only one who isn't in love with Gary Poppins out there... But I just... I can't... I can't go through with this.
Rachel: Well, you're the one who wants to fire him, so you're gonna have to do it. (Ross walks to the living room determined to fire Sandy)
[Scene: Living room. Joey and Sandy are talking with the Snufflebumps.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Joey are sitting at the dinner table. Chandler comes from the bedroom with his suitcase.]
Chandler: Really...? See... that's the thing: you gotta keep it smart, people!
Chandler: I love you too. (Monica and Chandler kiss. He turns to Joey.) And... I like you as a friend. (They hug and pat each other on the back.)
Chandler: See ya! (he leaves the apartment)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Sandy is knitting baby clothes. Ross and Rachel walk into the living room.]
Rachel: I can't watch. It's like firing Elmo. (Ross walks to the couch where Sandy sits)
Rachel: (from behind the bedroom door) YOU! You feel!
Ross: I... just feel that the... the chemistry isn't right. I'm sorry. We're... we're more than happy to give you good recommendation...
Sandy: Oh, no, no, no... That's okay. I got a lot of offers from other families. I just picked you guys because... I liked you the best.
Sandy: No, none at all. You need to be happy with whoever is in your home... Although if you don't mind telling me, what was your problem? Maybe it's something I can work on in the future.
Ross: I mean, uhm... you know when I was growing up he was kind of a tough guy... You know a-a-and as a kid I wasn't the athlete I am now.
Rachel: (from the bedroom) Huh ha ha!
Ross: I play squash...! Anyway, uhm... I uhm... I always get the feeling he thought I was too sensitive.
Sandy: It's allright! Crying is good. It lets the boo-hoos out.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Sandy are sitting at the kitchen counter. Joey is holding mr. Wigglemunch, and Sandy holds the Grumpus.]
Sandy/Grumpus: And what's the one kind of boat that can never, ever sink?
Joey: It's like the cheapest college ever.
Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That's it! You and me, outside!
Monica: (To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.
(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!
Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?
Joey: WhatBut you saw the show!
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please?
Chandler: (Also very excited) That sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in Vermont!
Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him?
(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel’s old and now empty room.)
Rachel: Well, I dont know. I called all the people in Monicas phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
Joey: Yeah, and Im a little tired from digging the hole.
[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe at the mike.]
MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...
Joey: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. (He downs the glass of juice in one swig.) I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.
Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part.
Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen.
Phoebe: You dont play the oboe!
Phoebe: Yknow? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium.
Hombre Man: (to a customer) Hombre? (The guy says yes, and gets his sample.)
Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
JOEY: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. [Chandler starts to sit in one of the chairs] Not that one.
Chandler: Why did you take the shower curtain down?
Ross: Uh okay, well theres-theres wine in the kitchen.
Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, howd the audition go?
Ross: No, 10 is the highest.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ben is playing in his crib while Chandler and Ross are leaning against the rim and are completely asleep.]
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
Ross: Fine. Fine, but I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road, because in about five minutes Im gonna be saying (He laughs and points at Rachel sarcastically.)
Rachel: I don't think he's the one who needs help.
(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.)
Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing.
Phoebe: Oh. (takes her beeper puts in a pot, covers it, and puts the pot in the oven)
Phoebe: Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering (We hear the dial tone as Joey hangs up.) Okay, I guess he ran out of change.
(They start to walk into the living room and notice someones head sticking up from behind a chair. The camera cuts to the other side and we see its Ross.)
Joey: Oh its water under the bridge, forget it!
Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?
Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.
Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
Joey: Ah, well, if I want the girl to kiss me, first thing I do is make my lips look irresistible.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]
Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good part.
The Doctor: (entering) (To the receptionist) Can I have the next one please? (Takes the form.) Joey and Tony Tribbiani. (Joey and Carl stand up.)
(Joey lies down on the gurney.)
Tag: I feel great. (Rachel laughs) In fact! (Walks over to her desk, sweeps its contents onto the floor and Rachel just glares at him.) What?
Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didnt actually land on the moon. But you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely. (Apollo 8 was the first one that orbited the moon and the one that read the Christmas Story from the orbit of the moon on Christmas Eve, 1968. They also took the famous Earthrise picture of the Earth rising over the moon.)
[Cut to Monica out on the balcony.]
Monica: God, look what I found in the drain.
Chandler: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.
Rachel: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together, we're roommates; that's the deal.
Monica: Third door on the left.
Phoebe: Youre the best. Thanks. Oh!
(They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking in an English accent for some unknown reason.)
Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it!
Rachel: Yknow, all the women.
Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has them) Its got em!
RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.
The Fan: Oh yeah! Ive seen all her movies.
(Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler grabs Joeys shirt and rips it off of his back.)
[Scene: Mike's apartment. Phoebe's there and the phone rings.]
Phoebe: (looking at the picture again) Man alive!
[Scene: A Brown Bird meeting, Ross is there with the other Brown Birds to see who won the contest.]
(They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)
Chandler: The hot chicks?
Phoebe: (Looking relieved. She puts down the phone.) Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be alone, and you dont want to talk about it, thats fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and...
The Colonel: OH MY GAWD!!!! (Yep, its Janice.)
Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous Ive ever been!
Smart Kid: Isnt the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epic?
MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you.
Chandler: Yeah, Id love to but Ive tried that so many times they wont even let me in the store anymore.
Carol: Hey Rachel! (The camera cuts to her face and we see that Ben pulled the quarter trick with her as well.)
(They hug and give each other a little peck on the cheek.)
Joey: Why is 10 the highest?
Monica: (to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and walk? Cause she said, "Next."
Phoebe: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, yknow. Very cold, hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I have a tissue, please?
MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster.
Joey: All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like I would have said in that sci-fi movie if I'd gotten the part. "Those are our men in there, we have to get them out! Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life; my time-machine."
Ross: You know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment, I look over here and you guys... are just having dinner or... watching TV or something, but... it makes me feel better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see? The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so good. (Joey pats Ross on his back)
Ross: Sorry, Im kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.
Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
(He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)
Rachel: Well now whats the rush?
Ross: Thats right! Thats right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?!
MONICA: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.
Joey: Sounds great! Okay all right, well where does this go? (The lamp hes holding.)
Dr. Green: The wedding! Theres going to be a wedding. Young lady, dont you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!
Phoebe: Hi. Listen, Im sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It really wasnt right, and I, and I want to make it up to you, so umm, I brought you something that I think youll really enjoy. (Goes into the hallway and returns carrying the Evander Holyfield cutout.) Now, this is just a loan. Okay? Im gonna, Im gonna want him back. So (Looks at him longingly) Im gonna go now. (Exits.) (Pause) (Entering) Im sorry, I thought I could do it and I cant! (She grabs the cutout and exits for good.)
Janine: In the moment, yeah.
The Head Librarian: How can I help you?
Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane.
Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. (He tries to bend down to pick up the bag with the presents, but can't because of the costume) Maybe the Lady will help me with these presents.
RACHEL: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here. [points to the tip of her nose]
(Chandler turns on the TV and )
Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.