words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the crowd.]
Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. (plays a chord, then the lights go out) OK, thank you very much.
[Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandler is inside. The lights go out, and he realizes he is trapped inside.]
(Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a gesture of quiet exuberance.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are there.]
Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out!
Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. (to Monica) What's my number?
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is on the cellular phone. Chandler's thoughts are in italics.]
Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!
Jill: (on phone) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule.
(Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.)
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Joey enters with a menorah, the candles lit.]
Joey: Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyone.
(They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The phone rings; it's Chandler.]
Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time has passed. The five are sitting around the coffee table talking.]
Joey: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York CIty public library.
Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the foot of the bed.
[Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe are out of the room.]
Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park.
Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line.
Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us.
Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff.
Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone.
Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.
Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.
Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to...
Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.
Ross: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment. (Joey looks at him) What? What, now?
Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight? You've just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' (Rachel comes into the room behind them)
Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.
Phoebe: (singing) New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la... (she writes the lyrics down)
Joey: OK. (Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel)
(Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.)
Joey: Because of... the reason.
Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything.
Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in. (Monica gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks surprised but pleased) Looks like I was second to last.
Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! (a small kitten is on the roof behind Ross)
Ross: What? (the cat jumps on his shoulders) Ow!
[Cut to inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]
Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: (singing) I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found ever since...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica is treating the scratches on Ross' back. Joey is holding the menorah over the wound.]
Ross: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall?
[Scene: The hallway of Monica's building. Phoebe and Rachel are trying to find the cat's owner.]
Phoebe: (stops at a door) Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things, right?
Rachel: Oh. (they knock at the next door, Mr. Heckles answers) Hi. We just found this cat and we're looking for the owner.
Phoebe: (trying to hold back the struggling cat) He seems to hate you. Are you sure?
Phoebe: (the cat runs away from her) Oooh! You are a very bad man!
[Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own to look for the cat's owner.]
(While looking at the floor for the cat, Rachel runs into a pair of legs. She slowly gets up and sees a gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat. Who, by the way, you'll hate very, very soon. The man. Not the cat.)
Rachel: Wow. (she exhales in amazement, blowing the candle out)
Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives.
Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat!
Phoebe: Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere.
(Chandler waits until Jill is looking, then starts to blow a bubble. But instead of blow one, he accidentally spits the gum out of his mouth and hits the wall.)
Chandler: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth. (Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and slides it back in his mouth.)
(Chandler tries to save face and makes the 'OK' sign with his hands, while obviously unable to breathe.)
Jill: My God, you're choking! (she runs over and gives him the Heimlich, the gum flies from his mouth) That better?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Paolo are at the window. Ross and Joey are watching disgustedly.]
Paolo: (something romantic in Italian about Rachel and the stars)
Rachel: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.
Rachel: Y'know, I know it's totally superficial and we have absolutely nothing in common, and we don't even speak the same language but Goooooooddddddd....
[Cut to the other side of the apartment, Ross has gone over to straighten things out with Paolo.]
(Ross notices that Paolo is standing on a step, which makes him taller. Ross gets up on the same step so he can look down at Paolo.)
Paolo: Ah, you... have the sex?
Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know, and if you get in the.... um...
Ross: No, no, that's not where I was going. Er, if you get in the... way, of us becoming a thing, then I would be, well, very sad.
Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel?
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.]
Jill: Ready? (she swings the pen around her head in a circle)
(Chandler tries to do the same thing but the pen hits him in the head.)
(He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost hits him again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all sitting around the table.]
Phoebe: Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... (time lapse)... negative 46, negative 47, negative 48.... (someone blows it out, the room gets completely dark)
Ross: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...
(The lights come back on, and Rachel and Paolo are making out. Ross clutches his chest.)
Joey: Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica.
[Scene: ATM vestibule, the power has come back on.]
Jill: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. (she kisses him on the cheek) See ya.
(She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns to the security camera and starts talking to it.)
Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.
Monica: Joey, where are the Jell-o shots?
Ross: Yes, yes it is. Its uh (Aunt Millie uses this opportunity to grab Ross and kiss him on the lips. After she leaves Ross quickly wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Every time on the lips! Why?! Why on lips?!
JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. [reaches for the computer]
Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad .
The Director: Yes?
Joey: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe! (catches her in the hallway)
Phoebe: Okay. But the question is whos gonna go first. Cause whoever goes second is the bitch.
[Scene: Rosss Classroom, he is writing on the board and Alan is coming in to see him.]
The Stripper: Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? (Sees Joey.) Hey, Joey?
Monica: (hearing that) Thats it big girl! (Hits Janine in the butt with the garbage bag) Come on!
[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.]
JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.
Rachel: Look, Im fine. Watch. (She picks up an aspirin between her toes) Look at that. (She lifts her leg to grab the aspirin with her hand and almost falls over.) Whoa-whoa!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table staring at the phone as Monica enters.]
(Chandler can't believe what he's hearing. He looks at Monica, then at the others, then back at Monica.)
Joey: Yeah but we wont be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future.
[Scene: The rest stop, the gang is still stuck, Chandler is kneeling at the rear bumper.]
Phoebe: Well, since the fire was kinda my fault I guess (To Rachel) you should get to stay here.
Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars.
Phoebe: Really? Thats the thing Im worse at! Youll see. (Exits.)
Joey: Oh! I got it! Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. Alright? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
The Director: You ready to go?
Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm, Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love.
Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact Homo-sapien, is that why there extinct?
MONICA: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.
Chandler: Okay! (Runs into the bedroom.)
Phoebe: No! Not the sex part, just the stuff leading up to it.
[Scene: Chandlers Office Building, Bob is standing at the elevators and sees Chandler walk up.]
Monica: (Putting down her phone) Well, the club lost it's power.
Joey: (holding an empty tissue box) Wheres all the tissues?! (Throws the box down in disgust.)
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, Im going to take her to an amazing Valentines dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks Im the best boyfriend in the world, then Im going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you.
[Scene: the hotel lobby. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in from the outside.]
Chandler: Thats the stuff! (quickly grabs it)
The Saleslady: Yes! I have it right here. (Phoebe and Monica both gasp at the dress.) Would you like to try it on Ms. Waltham?
[Scene: The fancy restaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob's shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.]
Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud!
Phoebe: Shocking! Lets play the game of who can stay quiet the longest. (Giggles)
[Cut to Central Perk, to the theme from The Dick Van Dyke show Joey runs into Central Perk carrying a stack of Soap Opera Digests and falls on the step. He does bounce right back up making it all that much funnier.]
Rachel: Well, hey! How about right above the TV? (Points to the spot where her famous French poster is hanging). That way, it will be the first thing that you see when you walk in the door!
Chandler: This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that program!
Phoebe: The little ones do.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler is trying to listen through the door.]
PHOEBE: I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.
(Ross and chandler are standing next to the alter. Ross is practicing for the wedding.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is neglecting the game of Scrabble, for he's busily drawing on his own childhood in an attempt to help Ross. Marcel chitters about.]
Rachel: Man in the black dress (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! Im Rachel! Im a friend of Monica and Chandlers!
ROSS: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Phoebe: (In a strange heavy accent) Hello "ja", it's time for your massage, ja! Put your face in the hole.
MNCA: You were so amazing as the king. I was really impressed, I was.
Chandler: Thats what you say at the end of a date.
Rachel: Oh Ross youre so tense! You just gotta relax okay? Just need to relax all right? Just need to relax (She takes her hands off of the wheel.)
Phoebe: Theyre at the coffeehouse.
Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.
Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and its offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldnt be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
Phoebe: Whered you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is there. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a fishtank.]
Ross: Ahh, I-I did leave the gel on a little longer then it said to.
(He knocks on the girls door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow! Anyhoo, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesnt even realise it.)
Rachel: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.
Rachel: Wh So If neither of you are married by the time youre 40, youre gonna marry Joey.
(Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously very depressed)
Chandler: The food there was, was great.
Monica: Hey Rach, the adoption agency needs letters of recommendation and we were wondering if you would write one for us.
The Interviewer: Umm, Ill have a cup of coffee.
Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here!
The Director: Oh thats great! Okay, well Ive heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie
Joey: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones.
Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon.]
[Scene: Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa. Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment because of the toast.]
Ross: Yes. Yes. Dont worry. Everythings fine. Well uh, well see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben then we're off to the big audition.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]
Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that youre really sarcastic, or that, yknow, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch.
Phoebe: I did it! I took care of the babies all by myself!
(Chandler opens the door, finally.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the porn as Chandler enters.]
Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn up! People will always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya?
Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I cant wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica emerges from the bathroom.]
Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.
ROSS: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.
Monica: Okay. Heres the thing.
JOEY: The Ice Capades?
Joey: Yeah, shes been out there for twenty minutes, Im surprised you didnt hear her on the way over.
[Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker's position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]
Rachel: Chick and the duck? Didn't they die...
Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees. {Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.}
MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.
Phoebe: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.
Phoebe: ( in a soothing voice) Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place.
Joey: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...
MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .
Joey: (excited) Thanks dude!!!This is GREAT!! (leaves Rachel very touched on the couch and goes into his room)
(She walks down the aisle with the groomsman. We cut to inside Central Perk, where Phoebe and Chandler are waiting.)
Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane.
(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)
(Robert walks away and the guys all start laughing in front of Phoebe.)