words in movies
Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)
Joey: Just casually slip it in, yknow lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, Im a lonerNo! An outlaw! Tell her she doesnt want to get mixed up with the likes of me.
Rachel: Yknow what? Thats a lot to remember, cant I just tell her youre a pig?
Joey: Hey, Im gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! Hed even make the girl pancakes! Plus, hed make extras and leave em for me.
Joeys Date: Sorry about that, but I couldnt get that lock to work on the door.
Erin: Hi. I dont mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me?
Chandler: You didnt bring me here to do that, did you?
The Waitress: She says its to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in!
(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasnt taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she cant be that good of a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)
Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planets most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. Shes the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
[Cut to Monica and Chandlers just after Monica has finished telling Chandler what happened.]
Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend yknow herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.
Monica: Well, she corned me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?!
Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The checks in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I cant wait to read your book Ross!!
Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it wont be so bad.
Chandler: What do you think shes just gonna sit there quietly? You dont think shes gonna want to make a toast? You dont think shes gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
Chandler: Yknow what? Its gonna be okay. Yknow what? Shes probably not gonna even want to come.
Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because were going to dinner with her and Clark.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned is there.]
Joey: Hey-hey, whos your friend? (Erin turns around to face Joey, startling him) Hey!!
Erin: Ohh, listen. Ive got to get going. Today was great, thanks!
Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again.
Rachel: Oh Joey, Im sorry I just couldnt tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And yknow we got to talking and I
Phoebe: We want you to marry her!
Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.)
Joey: Hey, dont start judging me! (To Rachel) Huh? Youre the one whos in love with her assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, youre the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!
Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!
Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good?
Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around.
Joey: I like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at him.) The candy.
Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.
[Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on duty.]
The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! (The librarian brings his boss over.)
Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.
The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring too. (He turns to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, Im afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I cant help you.
Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if Im the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, Ill go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And dont you follow me!
Joey: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well thats a
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talkin about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please dont get married before I do.
Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why dont you tell about your lovely wedding?
Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, its going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! Were not even sure why were having it.
Monica: Its actually going to be just family.
Janice: Oh wait you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red?
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) Ill be right back.
Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)
Erin: Look, hes a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just dont see this having a future.
Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)
Ross: Ah Ah Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marions views on evolution?
Woman: Uh, actually I find Marions views far to progressionist.
Ross: I find Marions views far to progressionist.
Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still And guess what, Im thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.
Phoebe: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you?
Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, shes not lookin for a serious relationship.
Phoebe: Hey Joey, yknow what? You are way to good for her.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.]
Chandler: (To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us?
Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldnt really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family.
Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice arent they?
Janice: (starting to cry) Do you have any tissues?
Janice: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath.
Janice: Okay, Im going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird sound) Do you have a cat? Cause its already happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.)
(Chandler does the same nasal sound to Chandler.)
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to go!
Monica: Thats right. Thats right. And that is why you cant stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldnt come to the wedding.
Ross: (to the guard) Dont sweat it, Ive got this section covered. Yeah, in fact Ive got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in peoples eye(The guard walks away)Okay, see you later.
(Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but they stop when they see him.)
Chandler: I just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.)
Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joeys shirts.)
[Monica goes to the stove.]
Monica: You know what? Then, Joey, we want you to do it.
Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but thats okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, (gets his out) so Im allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, its flattery.
Chandler: Well, stuff like where we'd live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Monica: (To Chandler) We're not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we?
Danny: (To Monica) On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly? (To Rachel) See ya Friday. (He walks out.)
Phoebe: Well, alright, we already tried feeding her, changing her, burping her, oh try this one! Go back in time and listen to Phoebe!
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting ready to rehearse the play.]
Chandler: (sighs with relief) Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to... bring the sperm.
[He closes the door and walks over to get something from the fridge. He starts to smell something and turns around to see Phoebes dollhouse smoking. He runs over and takes off the roof to reveal that the dollhouse fire.]
Charity guy: Oh, actually, that's the shirt I wore to the gym.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler are still trying to get the birds out of the foosball-table.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a rape(She holds her hand in front of the hitchhikers face), a rapist or a killer or something!
Rachel: Well obviously I wont be able to come, for those of you who havent checked their calendars today is my due date. Well yknow, I just want to take a moment and thank you guys for how great youve been during this time. I really couldnt have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant.
Ross: I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! (Kisses her.) Hi Joey. (Hugs him.) And.. Oh! You're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. (Laughs.) I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. (He squeezes her hand.) Come, please come in. Come in.
Chandler: It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin. (Walks out and slams the door.)
Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (The girls make disgusted noises.) It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? (To the guys) I'm right, right?
(He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room.)
Ross: Okay! Now, Im going to touch you. (He does so, very gingerly.) Ohh, thats soft. (He starts poking him and notices his salad spoons and starts to massage him with those.)
Ross: I dont think so! Youre just giving me Ruth so youll get to name it when its a boy, and thats when youll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia.
Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy.
Ross: What?! No! No! Wait! Youre right, this is stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, I mean we like each other right? Theres nothing wrong with that. Come on. (They get up and go over to the table where his colleagues are sitting.) Burt? Lydia? Mel? This is Elizabeth.
Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
(They run to the living room where Monica has moved the chair back (Towards the step), the coffee table forward (Towards the TV), and taped a square outline on the floor.)
Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)
Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joeys lewd version?
Gym Employee: Okay, no problem. (To someone out of the picture) Could you come here for a second?
Chandler: Hi, listen, Im sorry about before. I dont need to have a game room. I mean when I was a kid I only played those games because I couldnt get girls, and now I can emNow, I have you. (Monica glares at him.) Not-not that I think that I have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, I see women
Monica: This baby has got everything. Take yknow, locations for instance. (She opens up the binder to the locations chapter.) First, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage.
Monica: Listen umm, Ive been thinking, its not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.
(And walks up right behind Ross, and standard sitcom joke 2B follows with the person being insulted standing right behind the person doing the insulting while the rest of the people become frightened and try to warn the insulter about the insultees presence.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is complaining about going to the clinic.]
Robert: You ready to go to the batting cage?
Joey: Right, right, right, well, she wants to go to all this cultural places and I don't know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out!
CHANDLER: I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is pounding out the hinge pins on the closet door to get it open.]
Phoebe: Grandmas gonna have to get in line.
Phoebe: Yeah! Why would my mother send me a fur? Doesn't she know me but at all! Plus, I have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make!
Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don't have to go down that road.
(She tries to demonstrate this unique ability, but only succeeds in choking on it.)
Phoebe: Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN today.
David: Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah... It's... "climax your way to better skin".
Chandler: Yeah, Im putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then thats what were gonna do.
Mindy: I hope you can find some way to be happy for me. And I hope you'll still be my maid of honor...?
Chandler: Wow, it seems serious. What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd?
Chandler: Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your Maitre D. friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes, tell him to e-mail me at www.hahanotsomuch.com.
Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?
Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we dont have a choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! Were stuck up on the roof and we cant get down!!!
Rachel: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this?
(The pianist starts to play, and Joey readies himself, and then runs out of the audition.)
Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.
[Scene: Rachels Office, Joey has brought Dina to meet with Rachel.]
Rachel: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye cheer. So okay! (Runs into the living room) Ready! Okay! Gimme an E!
Ross: Thats true, thanks dad. (To All) People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.)
Joey: I love living with you so much. I just wish things didnt have to change.
Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you.
Monica: Theres still so much to do. Have you written your vows yet?
Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony?
Monica: Fine. (Brenda comes in to use the bathroom and adjusts her pink bra strap on the way.) Shes wearing my bra!
Rachel: Okay get your coat! (They get their coats and start to leave. Rachel suddenly stops and sticks the hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh! When did you unhook this? (Her bra.) Nice work!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And Im not just saying this because Im your friend, Im sayin it cause its the truth. Youre food is abysmal!
Monica: Oh yeah? Well when you learned how to dance did you forget how to put on underpants?
Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's what we're gonna do.
Monica: Im just trying to spice it up!
Monica: Gotcha sailor. (Kicks one of her shoes off and it lands in the kitchen knocking something down, but she continues to strip.)
Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen.
(He shows them a beautiful banner he has made. It reads, "Welcome to the World, Baby Bing.")
Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joeys boat), shes shown to be in one of the waterways around New York, but in reality shes in a sound stage on the Warner Bros. lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots. Rachel and Joey are on board.]
Rachel: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (Shes holding an item with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That cant be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby?
Barry: Oh God... (Into intercom) I'll be right there, Bernice. (to Mindy) Look, please, please don't go anywhere, okay? I'll be, I'll be right back.
Joey: Dude, I'm just trying to speak your language.
Monica: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do?
Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.
Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!!
Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see him again.
Ross: She... she only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh my God, at the chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth.
Joey: Say that to him and you're golden. (She just glares at him.)
Ross: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch?
Joey: (To Ross) I think we gotta end the freeze out.
Joey: R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! (Monica nods yes.) And-and Chandlers tellin ya how much he hates marriage?!
MONICA: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with.
(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)
Katie: Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A blanket.)
[Flashback to 209 - TOW Phoebe's Dad] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]
Phoebe: Im sorry I wont be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but Im really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.
Phoebe: Of course not! And you're gonna love Mary Ellen. She's really smart and cute and funny, and I can't tell you how I know this, but she' not opposed to threesomes. So tell me some about my guy.
Chandler: Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee?
CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
Ross: So do I. (Slowly walks in.) Okay Rach, before anything happens (He takes off his coat) I just want to lay down a couple of ground rules. (Turns back to face her.) This is just about tonight. I don't to go through with this if it's going to raise the question of "Us." (Rachel's confused) Okay? I just want this to be (Kicks off his left shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.)
Chandler: Well, I didnt do anything. I didnt want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.
Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new girls good.
Ross: No they dont!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!
Joey: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs(He gasps in horror.) Oh! (Runs out and Chandler just shakes his head. After a second Joey runs back in to grab a piece of pizza and runs back out.)
Joey: Right!(he starts to ape her)"Oh my God, is this the men's room? Oh, I feel so foolish, have you always known you wanted to be an actor?" (he inclines his head as if to look at a man's private parts)
JOEY: [quietly] I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, you know? [Ross stares blankly at him] Maybe a little longer.
(The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)