words in movies
Rachel: Yeah? Well, you should know. Youve bought like a billion of em.
Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. Im going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast Im just gonna propose.
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Were practically kissing. (Makes a kissy face and winks at him.)
Joey: Okay. Have a benefit.
Rachel: Hey! Ross, listen can you come to a charity event tonight?
Ross: Im sorry, its just one of my last nights together before she leaves for campto be a counselor!
Monica: Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going?
Chandler: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didnt agree to that!
Monica: Do you really see this as a long-term thing?
Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?
Ross: Uh-uhWow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesnt really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, Im the one dating Elizabeth, not you!
Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) Whats going on little elves?
Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and shes gonna know.
[Scene: The Charity Event, theyre holding a silent auction, Rachel is looking at one of the items and Phoebe walks up and hands her a glass of wine.]
Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.
Phoebe: No, I know what a silent is I meant, whats going on with your hair?
Elizabeth: No, its a water balloon fight! We started it!
Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, its supposed to be excellent. The director is the same
Elizabeth: (ignoring him and picking up a pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes?
Ross: No! Okay! Okay! (Stops her.) Okay, look, can I, can I just-just talk to you for a second?
(Both opposing camps start screaming at each other to drop their weapons and surrender. Finally, Ross steps in as a mediator.)
Ross: (screaming) Everybody put their balloons down!!! (There is a temporary cease fire.) Now this is a nice suit!! (Shows everyone where he was hit.)
Mr. Thompson: Our next item is the romantic trip to Paris. (Pause.) It goes to Emil Alexander high a high bid of 2,300.
(Phoebe returns a with a tray full of different kinds of drinks.)
Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentlemans day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! (Joey suddenly gets excited.)
Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.]
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his pockets until he finds what hes looking for and sighs in relief.]
Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (Its a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)
Monica: Yeah. Im okay. Im actuallyIm a little cold, can I have your jacket?
Chandler: Yes! Im fine. In fact Ive been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.
(As hes talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant. Lets see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.)
Richard: (approaching them with a woman in tow) Monica! Chandler!
Chandler: (to Richards date) And uh, you dont have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) Im Chandler; I make jokes when Im uncomfortable.
Joey: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat!
Rachel: Why would a charity give away a free boat?!
Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center.
Rachel: (stopping him) Hey! You cant leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me!
Joey: Look, I dont know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Yknow? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine!
Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.
Richard: Its so great seeing you guys again. Id like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, "In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
Chandler: (stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!
Ross: Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight.
Ross: Yknow, maybe she is too young for me. Yknow, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I dont know what to do.
Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, "Do you see a future?" I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didnt you?!
Ross: No! No! I didnt do that. Its just Okay, honestly no. I dont, I dont see a big future with her.
Phoebe: Its a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy shes wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.) Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?
Joey: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table?
Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.
Joey: You-you have to pay that! Its not just a guess.
Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are settin sail up the Hudson! Youve got the wind in your h(sees that hes bald)arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that youve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin! You canooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when youre old, Cappy.
Mr. Bowmont: What the hell, its for a good cause! All right!
Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a persons hands?!
Phoebe: Well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor
Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that youre scared of commitment! Convince her that youre a little coward!
Ross: (in his head) Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about it! She didnt seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge mistake?
(She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the waist with another one.)
Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesnt want to get married?
Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each other.) I never noticed that before.
Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.
Monica: Well thats a little crazy. Although I am yknow glad to hear that youre branching out on what you look at on the Internet.
(We hear the backup horn of a truck and see through the window that the Mr. Bowmont has arrived.)
[Scene: Monicas Restaurants kitchen, shes cooking as a waitress sticks her head in.]
Waitress: Hey Monica, theres a customer who wants to complement the chef, should I let him in?
Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldnt even be here telling you this, I mean youre with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say hes straight Ill believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didnt tell ya Id regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.
(They both take a drink of coffee.)
[Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.]
Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Lets take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs dont mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and thats just an ordinary pig not even a pig thats good at sports!
Monica: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that-that you may never want to get married?
Chandler: (to them) Its okay, I got a plan.
Rachel: Yeah, Im pretty confident about that. Thats what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.
Rachel: Well yknow, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time theyre 40, they marry each other.
Phoebe: You mean a backup?
Phoebe: Well hey, its just a backup.
Monica: Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?
Monica: Im just having one of those days where you realize youre in a dead-end relationship!
Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?
Monica: Its not like I want to get married tomorrow! Its just that I-Id like to believe that Im in a relationship thats actually going somewhere, that Im not just wasting my time!
Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.
Monica: You just told me that he hates marriage! That-that hes a-a complex fellow whos unlikely to take a wife! That-that hes against marriage and always will be!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is watching a show about the extinction of the dinosaurs.]
(Theres a knock on the door, he shuts the TV off, and answers it.)
Rachel: Yeah, love. Its a tricky business isnt it?
Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time were 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and weve-weve already slept together so yknow therell be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, "Whats that?!"
Rachel: Phoebe?! Wait abut-but she just, she said that Joey was her backup.
Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal!
Ross: Thats impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.
Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with the professor.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah, Ive been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these (lifts a leg) damn boat shoes wouldnt keep flying off!
Joey: Look, Chandler I dont think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica!
[Scene: Richards Apartment, hes smoking a cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal ]
Monica: Yeah, Ill have a scotch
Richard: on the rocks with a twist? I remember. (Goes to make her drink.)
Richard: So Monica let me ask you a question. Yknow, since we broke up do you ever, think about me?
Monica: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.
Richard: Yeah hes no good. Do you ever (pause) think about me in a (pause) non-eye doctor way?
Phoebe: All right well lets see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boatThis is hard!
Phoebe: No wait! JustOkayJust wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Dont make any rash decisions, okay? Just remember my promise, when we get married, three times a week.
Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-ups apartment! Yknow, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!
Richard: Yeah! Youre saying, you need to be with someone more mature. Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache.
Monica: Yknow, lets face it, Im not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I dont want that!
Monica: Nothing. (She backs away a little bit but is still in his arms and looks up at his eyes.) I dont knUmm. I dont know. Umm
[Scene: Richards Apartment, time lapse. Richard is smoking as he hears a knock on the door. He quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door.]
Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!
Chandler: Oh my God, I cant believe this! Yknow, I thought I thought you were a good guy.
Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, yknow? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, shed be surprised!
Chandler: Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?
Richard: No I dont have a ring! (Pause) You go get her Chandler. (Pause) And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, dont let her go. Trust me.
Chandler: Yknow Richard you are a good guy.
Joey: Shes gone. She had a bag and she left.
Chandler: Well why didnt you stop her?! Why didnt you just tell her it was a plan?!
(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)
Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
Monica: Chandler In all my life I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to fall in love with my best my best Theres a reason why girls dont do this!
Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if youll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?
Monica: I knew you were likely to take a wife!
(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)
Chandler: We don't have a code word.
Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?
Joey: Really? Think about it. Come on! You're a beautiful woman, smart, funny, we had a really good time, huh? If I had your number, why wouldn't I call you?
Laura: Well, I must say, this seems like a lovely environment to raise a child in.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. He's prying open the drawer with a crowbar to no avail. Monica, Rachel and Chandler enter.]
Mike: Well, I mean... It sounds good to me. And that way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation.
Charity guy: Yeah... And I'm giving it back to you... Come on! Consider it a contribution. (gives the check to Phoebe)
Charity guy: Please, take the check, go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together.
Monica: Now we just have to wait for a call and... and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Oh...
Charlie: Oh, this is such a cute picture of Emma. And is this your son... or just some kid whose picture you bring on vacation?
Rachel: Ok... I got a spider. There were two, I picked the bigger one.
Monica: It was Laura... She gave us a great report and we are officially on the waiting list.
(Chandler and Monica hug and after a while the telephone rings again... Monica's eyes get bigger. Chandler answers.)
Ross: (Gasps and speaks at a higher pitch) This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing!
Phoebe: Well, personally I think it's great you're giving yourself a break.
Monica: 2 minutes, 12 pies and a part of one tin! Okay, I see you guys at 4.
Phoebe: Well, I wanna enter her in a baby beauty pageant.
Rachel: Well, let's see... uh... I know that she has a meeting with her lawyer and then she has to make a very big poop. Why?
Rachel: Phoebe, just the idea of pitting one baby against another, I mean, you know, and judging who's cuter just for a trophy...
Phoebe: Okay, oh, and Emma needs a cowgirl outfit for the competition.
Rachel: And a thousand dollars.
Phoebe: Okay, but, well, before you say no, my friend Susanne is entering her kid and compared to Emma she's a real dog!
Rachel: Where am I gonna get a cowgirl outfit on Thanksgiving?
Rachel: ...is something I'm very interested in! Oh please, do not tell Ross. He still believes that (in a deep voice, mocking Ross) what's in the inside is important...
Monica: Yeah, but we haven't heard a thing from the adoption agency and it has been weeks!
Chandler: (after a long pause) "The Firm"?
Monica: Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these (she gives Chandler a bowl with cranberries. Then, while she's going outside, she sees him with a bottle of soap in his hands) Not with soap!! (she leaves)
Chandler: You say that now, but it could take us a long time to get back home. Plus Joey could get lost and and they could have to page us to go pick him up.
CHANDLER: Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? [Joey doesn't respond] Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a basketball to Joey. Joey doesn't move to catch it and the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that's my bad.
Rachel: Phoebe, I think... It's just too weird, I just saw a one year old running around with pantyhose on!
Rachel: Oh Phoebe, listen. Well, I think we gotta go. This place is really freaking me out. I've been watching this guy over there, I don't think he came with a kid!
(there's a lot of shouting and yelling)
Ross: Oh! What a game, huh?
Ross: Oh, but it's a kind game! So we're a little late, you know, the girls will be there, let's stay just for one more goal.
[Cut to Rachel listening to a phone conversation between Chandler and Monica in The One With All the Resolutions.]
Joey: Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there, okay? So they probably started without us. We could just slip in and no-one needs to know where we were! (he raises his hands and on his right one there's a Rangers foam finger)
Rachel: She won a thousand dollars!
Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" (Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did that.
Joey: Wait a second, wait a second, where have I seen that cowgirl outfit before...
Ross: You entered Emma into a Beauty Pageant?
Rachel: Well, I don't know, you guys figure it out, I got to put Emma down for a nap.
Monica: (gasps) Oooh! They are in for a world of pain!
Rachel: You know what, we just say that she said it was 5 o'clock. We'll just act casual. We're not late, we're right on time. (When she finishes talking, a note is pushed from under Monica's and Chandler's door, into the hall. Ross picks it up and reads it out loud)
Joey: I hate that thing, it's like a... bolt of lightning.
Rachel: Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first. (they all agree) Ready? (they do the rock-paper-scissor thing with they hands and Rachel has paper, Phoebe and Ross both have rock, while Joey is doing a strange upward wiggling with his fingers. They all look a him confused).
Chandler: Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce that... (speaking lower to Monica) what happens to cranberry sauce?
Ross: (to Joey, who is wearing a blue, 3 foot hand) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE IT OFF!! (takes it off his hand and throws it on the floor)
Chandler: (looking through the peephole) That's a lie, you went to the game, I can see Joey's hand.
Joey: I had a dream once about a fax machine that did that. (Ross picks it up)
(Rachel comes out of the apartment holding a pot. Joey holds in anticipation and Rachel opens it)
Phoebe: Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea. They clearly don't want to be with us.
Joey: (to Ross) Just get in there and make a face to face apology, you know? Look them in the eye. I know I can get them to forgive us.
Monica: Oh! Enough! A monkey could have made 'em!
Joey: (smiling) Now let's not ruin this day. You worked so hard. Let's move past this and try to have a nice meal all together, huh?
Chandler: The floating heads do make a good point.
Ross: It's a day to be thankful.
Chandler: That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling.
Joey: Yeah! You three have a nice Thanksgiving.
(Chandler gives Monica a footlong "eye dropper" with the turkey grease in it)
Chandler: A little late for that.
Charlie: Mmh... he does have a pretty serious latex fetish.
Phoebe: Just a sec., we're kind in the middle of something here.
Monica: Come here! Come here! (They hug.) Sweetie you dont have to worry. No, besides yknow what? Im gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid
Joey: Aww, I don't know Monica y'know... erm... lending friends money is always a mistake.
Monica: There's a pregnant woman in Ohio, and she picked us!
(The chain breaks loose from the wall, and because Joey was pushing with all his might, he propells into the kitchen, towards the table with all the food. This table has wheels underneath it, and when Joey falls on this table, he rides into the living room, with all the food falling off, until finally Joey also falls off... Joey gets up quickly, a bit agitated, and acting as nothing happened. He is covered in food stains.)
Monica: WE'RE GETTING A BABY!
Ross: I'm just so happy you guys are finally getting a kid.
(They all cheer and Rachel, Ross and Phoebe join in for a group hug. Joey also joins, but he stands back a bit, because he is all sticky of the food on him)
Monica: I can't believe they called, and we're actually getting a baby. (she kisses Chandler)
Monica: Well, because you signed it baby kangaroo Tribbiani (Joey makes a 'and-what’s-wrong-with-that' look). Hey, why don’t you stop worrying about sounding smart and just be yourself!
Joey: I can't believe it. When you guys come back, you're gonna have a baby! That is so weird!
Monica: She's only a couple of months pregnant. She liked our application but who knows if she's gonna like us.
Monica: And a lot could still get in our way.
Chandler: I can develop a condition in which I talk and talk and no one hears a word.
Monica: Oh my God, it's gonna WORK! We're gonna make it work! I'm gonna be a mummy and (to Chandler) you're gonna be a daddy! All right, I'll see you suckers. I'm gonna get me... A BABY! {she leaves)
Monica: You know, I know that things could still go wrong but if they don't? If this works out, we're gonna have a baby Chandler, a baby!
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's speaking to a girl.]
Chandler: Oh, screw it, I'm gonna be a daddy!!
Joey: Ok, I may not have treated your friends well in the past, but I have grown up a lot, really. Honest, Rach?
Ross: (he takes a baby blue beret out of a shopping box and puts it on) How does this look?
Phoebe: Hey, that’s not fair! A person’s wedding is important! And especially to me! Ok? I didn’t have a graduation party! And I didn’t go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to “kill me” or whatever. So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.( She storms out)
Joey: Hey! I'm getting a little tired of this okay? We said we're sorry. It's Thanksgiving for Pete's sakes! A day of forgiveness!
Rachel: Well, it's a little low... pick up a little... (Ross picks it up) a little bit more... (he picks it up again) a little bit more... (he takes it off) There you go! (pause) Now throw it away!
[Joey just laughs as a third set of flashbacks featuring Chandlers mistakes starts. The first flashback is from The One With The Prom Video. It's Chandler telling Phoebe how much he hates the bracelet Joey bought him. They're both at Central Perk.]
Charlie: No, it's just... I was enganged to a guy who turned out to be gay!
[Scene: The Adoption Agency in Ohio. Monica and Chandler are entering with a man.]
Erica: You're kidding me? I mean, it's enough that you are a doctor. But on top of it, you're married to a reverend?
Agency guy: Please, make yourself comfortable and I will back in a moment with Erica.
Joey: Oh, really? You know what your great friend did? We're out to dinner, ok? (he starts talking about the date and we can see what happened through a flashback video) We're getting along, having a really nice time. I was thinking she was really cool. And then, out of nowhere...
Phoebe: Oh, my friend Sarah had a great time last night.
Phoebe: I’m sorry, I can’t believe I set you up with such a MONSTER!
Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look. I take a girl out, she can order whatever she wants! The more, the better! All right? Just don’t order a Garden salad and then eat my food! That’s a good way to lose some fingers!
Phoebe: Joey and my friend were out last night and having dinner and she reaches over and takes a few of his fries...
Joey: (mad and pointing a finger to himself) JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!
Phoebe: I've already stuffed a bunch of Brussel sprouts down his pants.
Joey: Hey, hey, look! It’s not about a few fries... it’s about what the fries represent.
Phoebe: Well, I still think that it’s a stupid reason not to call someone again. You are calling her! And if you need to, just get an extra plate of fries for the table!
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Joey doesn’t share food. I mean, just last week we were having breakfast and he had a couple of grapes on his plate and ...
Phoebe: (to Joey) You wouldn’t let her have a grape?