words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch and Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: How was the honeymoon?
Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic!
Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor, he didn't poop the whole time we were there!
Monica: Yeah, you really shouldn't. (to Ross, sarcastically) By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?
Monica: I'm making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour.
Chandler: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman who's carrying my child"? (she's not amused) No? Divorce?
Monica: Well, because we want to get to know her better and she's never been to New York so she wants to see all the tourists' spots... you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building...
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's trying to teach Joey French, so she's sitting in front of him with the script in her hands.]
Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.
Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby!
Joey: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty.
Rachel: Oh! (They enter. Rachel sees his father, lying on a bed, with tubes, drip and everything) Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?
Nurse: Miss Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him.
(Ross goes into the room where Dr. Green is laying unconscious. He turns on the TV, puts his feet on the bed and starts watching a dinosaur movie where the dinosaur is caught by two cowboys. Dr. Geller awakes.)
Ross: Did the TV wake you?
Dr. Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you?
Ross (he buzzes for the nurse) Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here.
Ross: Nope, just the one. RACH!
[Scene: Green's mansion. Rachel's Room. Rachel's is combing her hair; Ross's coming into the room]
Ross: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. (pause) I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack.
Rachel: (she's sad) Ow. I don't want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital!
Ross: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn't even know if you were there. Look, we'll go see him first thing in the morning, ok?
Rachel: Ok. (She sits on the bed and Ross sits near her) Thank you for coming with me today.
Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or...(There's one of those moments. They're staring at each other, no word uttered, and then she leans toward him in order to kiss him, but he ducks and avoids her more than once.) Oh, oh. (he then hugs her and when she tries to kiss him again, he stands up and she falls down on the bed). No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea.
Rachel: Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage, enjoy!
Ross: I'll see you in the morning (he leaves).
Chandler: (enters the room wearing an "I love New York" t-shirt, a "Statue of Liberty" hat and carrying bags) New York is awesome!
Chandler: Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?
Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college. (Monica and Chandler are smiling from ear to ear)
Chandler: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too?
Chandler: Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake! (He turns the light on)
Monica: Alright, we don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy.
Chandler: Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel-killer.
Monica: Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently?
Chandler: I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. He is sitting on the barcalounger holding a French study book and listening to a French learning tape.]
Joey: (offended) Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part.
Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!
[Scene: The hospital. Rachel is pouring her self a cup of coffee. Ross approaches from behind.]
Rachel: (She turns around very slowly, looks at him for a second and then turns back to her coffee) Sure. (She gives him the cup she was pouring for herself without looking at him)
Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex... just do it. (she smiles fakely at him)
Ross: (half amused) Wait, wait, (looks around a little) You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing.
Rachel: (sarcastically) Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!
Ross: (acknowledging the last part of her sentence) Well...
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, that is so hot. She walks around him to the other side)
Ross: I gotta say, I have not had sex a lot of times before, this is the worst ever.
Rachel: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn't very good for me either. (She turns to leave and Ross over takes her and stands infront on her, his back to the row of doors leading to the hospital rooms)
Ross: Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say, you and me, never having sex again.
Ross: That's right, sex is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having sex with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel's dad glares at him with a deadly look)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Erica enter, Chandler is in the kitchen.]
Erica: (To Chandler) We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob (Monica smiles at Chandler and his he looks shocked and scared, getting no support from his wife)
Chandler: O-okay. (steps closer to Monica and speaks softly) So, is she gonna take the test?
Monica: Nope, she doesn't have to, I found out who the father is.
Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy... it'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way.
Chandler: Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?
Monica: The thing we never do.
[Scene: The theatre where Joey is auditioning. Phoebe enters when Joey's on stage and she sits down. He hasn't seen her.]
Phoebe: (in a French accent) Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Reginé Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estée Lauder.
Phoebe: Écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité. C'est mon petit frère. Il est un peu retardé. (Translation: Listen, I will tell you the truth. He's my little bother. He's a bit retarded.)
(The director looks at Joey and he nods.)
Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part.
Phoebe: (to the director) Merci. Au revoir. (Translation: Thanks, goodbye.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen counter and Ross enters from Rachel and Emma's room.]
Ross: Emma's down for the night.
Rachel: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and... it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again.
Rachel: Well, I guess that's all in the past, now.
Rachel: Just so you know... With us... it's never off the table. (she enters her room and closes the door.)
Ross: Damn it. It's never off the table. (he leaves the apartment)
Phoebe: It's off the resumé. (she strikes it through with a pencil)
Joey: All right, watch me! (he takes a full container of milk from the fridge) Okay, you time me. Ready?
(Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin and over his clothes to the floor. He keeps "drinking" and all of a sudden he lifts it up and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He then continues to drink the rest. He then puts the empty container down on the counter.)
THE END
(the first word is cream)
Chandler: Hey hey! Where's the birthday girl?
Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black delievery guy.)
(the second word is mayonnaise)
Joey: Hey, Im gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! Hed even make the girl pancakes! Plus, hed make extras and leave em for me.
PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?
Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! Hes got Barneys on his speed dial.
(The third word is ketchup)
Man: It's the police!
(someone knocks at the door)
KEVIN: All right. It's no big deal. BILL: So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation? RACHEL: Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend.� But um. . . BILL: Then, can I have your number? RACHEL: (pause) I'm sorry, no. BILL: Okay. (They start to walk away.) RACHEL: Oh sure.� (She pulls a business card from her purse and writes on it.) PHOEBE: (Reading the card.) Oh my God, you're giving your real number. BILL: Okay, thanks. I'll give you a call later tonight. RACHEL: Great. BILL: Bye PHOEBE: Bye. (The guys leave.) Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking?
Ross: Seriously you guys, I can't believe you're going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, I mean that's such a bunch of boohaki.
Mr. Geller: But pleasure is important, (To Chandler) and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor?
Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.
Paul: Really?! (She nods in the affirmative.)
Joey: (hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical?
Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I wont get spit in the eyes, yknow?
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
Joey: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that if youre gonna have a roommate, yknow it might as well be the father.
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe comes up the stairs and hears drumming coming from Joey and Rachel's, so she enters smiling and then sees that Rachel, not Joey, is the one playing.]
Donny: Ok Henrietta, you've picked Jack and Jill went up the hill.
Monica: (walks towards Phoebe and the stripper) Uh, look, officer... uhm Sir...
[Scene: The New York City Children's fund ]
Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
(Chandler looks at the other two guys, embarrassed)
Ross: You broke the pact!
Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. (pause) Give me your phone.
Russell: Yes, this Russell, Rosss divorce lawyer, just tell him that since I havent heard from him, I assume hes decided to give the marriage a try.
Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
Ross: Rach, I-I cant tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change your mind? Unless, you know were never going to have to use it. You did see the folder. You know its a boy!
David: Alright, but after this I want to see you outside. If the rain stops.
Issac: Yo, Chloe, do you have a quarter for the condom machine?
Monica: You're the most incredible woman I've ever met. How can I lose you? (Phoebe looks very flattered) Now, I don't actually have a ring...
Rachel: (finishing the last of her drink) I am soo not going to do good on my SATs tomorrow.
Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.
Dr. Schiff: (entering) Hi Rachel? Im Dr. Schiff. (By the way, hes an attractive man.)
Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! Were dying out here!
Joey: So let me get this straight. If you go with Bonnie tonight, youre doing the smart, healthy thing and moving on.
[Scene: A bar.� Rachel and Phoebe are bringing their drinks from the bar to a sofa.]
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.]
Ross: Nineteen Eighty Seven. The weekend you guys visited me at school.
Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we...
Joey: Well, I know what's the matter with me.
Joey: Oh well listen, anyway shes directing the new Al Pacino movie. You gotta get me an audition!
Ross: Because... the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time.
Phoebe: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.
[Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]
THE END
Janine: Well, Im sorry. I just thought Id try to make the place a little nicer.
Ross: (sarcastic) That would be a good way to get rid of all the PCP we have lying around.
Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the dates and pats him on the shoulder.)
Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! Im sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don't want me to see Richard again, I won't! He means nothing to me!
[Scene: The playground. Ross, Rachel and Emma are still there. Rachel comes walking to Ross and Emma with something between her hands.]
Monica: "To take you to his mansion in the sky-y?"
[Scene: The wedding rehearsal dinner.]
Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?
Chandler: No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding.
Ross: Youre gonna be a party person! Those guys rock the most!
Monica: Just, I love you so much. Just Its just sometimes it bothers me that Im never gonna have that feeling. Yknow when you meet someone for the first time and its new and exciting? Yknow that rush?
Rachel: Joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head?
Phoebe: Uhm... well, they're not in the wedding.
Gene: I'll take "You crossed the line".
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]
The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (Calls her, then hurriedly hangs up.) I got her machine.
(Cut to Chandler and Ross. Phoebe comes out of the ladies room and they run toward her.)
Chandler: Im just trying to find the right moment, you know?
Mike: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom?
[Scene: Ross and Rachels. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.]
MIKE: huh.� (pause)� What's the difference between beer and lager?
(the screen says "6 to win" and "types of trees")
Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling thats not as happy as it sounds? (Joey points out one going into the chipper to her, as this haunty, demonic music starts to play in the background) No! Nooooo!!! (she winces in horror and hides her face against Joeys shoulder, as she sees the tree spit out from the chipper.)
Phoebe: Oh Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, its a dream sequence, this isnt cable.]
(The nurses take Erica to the recovery room. Monica and Chandler smile at each other.)
Chandler: All right, rock on. (Does the Hang 10 sign, then hides his face in shame.)
(Monica enters the room)
(Ross enters the room)
Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings
(Joey climbs up on the counter and starts looking at the top of the cabinets.)
Rachel: All right Joey! That is enough! (Grabs him and pulls him away from Bobby and Dina) Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, its not legal. Okay? They-they dont have a marriage license, they dont have any witnesses, and the groom only has on one shoe!
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are waiting for Phoebe to arrive with the cab.]
Monica: Oh. So nice of her to pull my hair, 'till I dropped the key!
(Mike enters the room).
Mike: (looking around the room) This is... great...
Mindy: Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been acting really weird, and then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel.
(Phoebe grabs Gunther and kisses him. He then falls to the couch in shock.)
(She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns to the security camera and starts talking to it.)
Monica: (sliding into Joeys place on the couch to try and talk to Phoebe) Huh? Whatd ya say Joe? Ill be right there. (gets up and joins Joey)
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
Rachel: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is notthats-thats not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. Its-its, theyre-theyre wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdales, so And obviously in uh, in-in this case, (She grabs a pen and paper) I am going to report back, "USA not ready."
Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place.
Chandler: Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and (apes Janice's voice) "Oh My God"!
Mike: Uhm, did you guys know that there is a giant ice sculpture in the hall?
Charlie: Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "interesting".
Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa (he turn off the music). She cringed!
[Scene: The corridor. Ross and Joey have just arrived.]
The Interviewer: Now youll be heading a whole division, so youll have a lot of duties.
[Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button, takes Ross's drink, and spills it into his lap.]
Chandler: I'll tell you at the wedding.