words in movies
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe walks up to and knocks on Chandler and Monicas door.]
Monica: (opens the door wearing a robe, but leaves the chain on) Hey, whats up?
Phoebe: Okay. (Monica closes the door, gets the guitar, and then hands it out.)
Phoebe: Great! Umm (Monica closes the door again and Phoebe knocks again.)
Monica: (laughs) No. (Closes the door as Chandler walks up.)
(Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from another woman.)
Chandler: Well, Phoebe I thought Id(Off Phoebes look)Yeah, what the hell. (Exits with Phoebe.)
[Scene: Joeys Bedroom, Joey is having a dream about Rachel giving birth with him as the father.]
Rachel: And I hope its not an inappropriate time to say this but, youre the best sex I ever had.
Joey: Thats always appropriate! (Back to the matter at hand) Oh, okay. One more push! One more push!
(Finally, the baby is delivered and starts crying.)
(She hands the baby to Joey who pulls down the blanket to reveal Rosss face where the babys should be.)
Rachel: (bursts into the room) Joey! Joey!
Rachel: Joey! The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please come feel this?!
Joey: Oh thats amazing. (Drops the sheet.)
Rachel: (looking down) Oh-oh!! One hand on the sheet Joe!
Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony?
Monica: No! Thats where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation?
Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the bathroom.)
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.) Its locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?
Monica: Thank you! (He tries the door again and Monica glares at him.)
Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, "If it helps!" (Goes to the bedroom.)
Phoebe: Im curious about the human body.
Joey: Hey Ross! The babys kicking!
Ross: My God, the babys kicking. Thats great. Although I kinda wish I-I wouldve been there to feel the kicking for the first time yknow.
Ross: Look, I-I dont want to miss anymore baby stuff. So Here. Heres my new pager number, okay? Anytime anything pregnancy related happens use it! Ill be there! Okay? I dont care if its three in the morning and all you want is ice cream.
[Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Monica is lying on the massage table waiting for Phoebe.]
Phoebe: (calling from her room) Are you under the sheet?
Phoebe: (in a soothing voice) Great, lets begin. (She starts the massage.) Hows the pressure?
Phoebe: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And its not weird is it.
Monica: Oh God Phoebe!! (Phoebe covers one ear.) Oh thats it! Thats it! Right there! Oh! (Tries to cover the other ear.) Ooooh-oooh-ooooh (Covers both ears and continues the massage with her elbows.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has a box of keys and is trying them on the secret closet when someone enters.]
Chandler: I wasnt trying to open your closet! I wasnt trying to open your closet! I swear! (Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.)
Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe shes having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too. Or!
Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Yknow it wouldnt kill ya to respect your wifes privacy! (He walks away and into his apartment and looks the door.) Stupid closet full of bugs!
Joey: Oh hey whoa-whoa, dont worry. Okay. When my sisters were pregnant they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing.
Joey: Absolutely. But, were gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, okay? Ill page Ross on the way. Come on.
[Scene: The Hospital, Joey is in the waiting room as Rachel comes back out with the doctor.]
Dr. Long: Shes fine. Shes experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
Joey: And-and theres no danger to her and the baby?
Ross: Your page said come to the hospital, what? What was it? What happened?
Joey: Hey uh, whats with the candy?
Ross: Oh when you beeped me I was on line at the concession stand at the movie theater.
Rachel: Oh you went to the movies by yourself?
Ross: (To Joey) So, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital.
Ross: Yeah but still, I mean it shouldve been me. Im the dad.
Dr. Long: (To Joey) Uh, if you have any questions, heres some information on Braxton-Hicks. (Hands Joey a pamphlet.) Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. Youre gonna make a wonderful father.
Joey: Oh uh, hey. Not as good as this guy! (Grabs Ross around the shoulders.) He brought Twizlers!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still working on the door.]
Chandler: So, hows the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?
Joey: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any day now. (Chandler returns with a bobby pin and hands it to Joey.) Wow, you sure found that quick. (He tries the pin in the lock.) I justI wish I didnt feel this way about Rachel anymore, yknow? I wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I love living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think I think Ross feels left out. Yknow? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. God You shouldve seen the look on Rosss face. (Pause) By the way, I have no idea what Im doing here. For all I know Im just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?
Chandler: Well, its not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Yknow? Youre doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby. (He loses his card behind the door.) Richard? If-if youre in there, could you pass me my credit card?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]
Monica: What?! Youre crazy! Theres nothing sexual about the noises I make!
Phoebe: No, you cant let this stop you from getting massages! No look, I have, I have lots of clients that make the same noises you do!
Phoebe: Great! Okay, if youll just excuse me. (To the guy) So, did you hear something you liked?
Rachel: Ohh! Thats so sweet of you! Oh yum! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich and starts to get sick.) Did you put pickles on this?
Rachel: Oh Ross!! (Runs to the bathroom and closes the door.)
Joey: Im on it! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich.)
Ross: I cant believe this! I shouldnt be the one making her throw up!
Ross: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this stuff. I dont know any of it and Im the father. I wish Id be more involved yknow.
Joey: The thing is cause I live with Rachel Im here for a lot of the stuff, okay? (To Rachel) And Ross Ross is missing everything. So
Joey: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that if youre gonna have a roommate, yknow it might as well be the father.
Ross: No I-I-I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just try it like on a temporary basis.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is pounding out the hinge pins on the closet door to get it open.]
Chandler: Not to shabby, I got this all off myself using my wifes tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see whats behind the green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!
Monica: No Chandler, you dont understand! (Chandler starts singing the theme for Sanford and Son, an old TV show starring Redd Fox.) Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine! Now you know. Okay? Im yknow Im sick.
Chandler: Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet.
Joey: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldnt stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh, its a couple weeks past its expiration date, so its got a bit of a kick.
Joey: Are you kidding me? Im great! Yeah, Im uh; Im better than great. I am good. And now that shes gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldnt do before. Yknow? Like umm, I can walk around naked again. Yknow? I can uh, I can watch porn in the living room. Right? This is uh, this is good for me. Yknow? I like being on my own, Im uh, better off this way. Im uh, a lone wolf. Yknow? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. Whats a wolf got to do to get a huh around here?! (Chandler rushes over and hugs him.)
[Cut to the waiting room, a twice triumphant Frank returns.]
Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.
CHANDLER: [reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the case] Thanks best bud.
Terry: Im sorry Joey thats thats the way it is.
Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.)
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done.
Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
(he idly goes to the sofa, starts browsing a magazine. Everybody stares at him)
DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.
CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.
Joey: Right! Okay. (Heads for the bathroom.)
Ticket Agent: Oh Im afraid that plane has already pulled away from the gate.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Phoebe: You dont know him. Its not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She sits down like shes pregnant.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: (handing Mona the present) Happy Valentines Day! Or something to remember me by.
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, the gang is watching Joeys debut on Days.]
Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?
Ross: Excuse me, is there a woman waiting at the bar? Someone average height, dark hair, perhaps doing a puzzle?
Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think youre bumming out the rest of the kids.
Chandler: Whoa, she's pretty. (Mentioning the girl on TV)
Benjamin: (to Ross) Thank you! (to Charlie). I can't believe that you chose this restaurant! Do you remember the night?
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I cant do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
[Cut to later that same day, Ross has retrieved his keyboard and is about to debut, "The Sound."]
Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it's Joey, Rachel and Chandler).
The Director: And cut!
Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.)
Phoebe: Youre just saying that because youre my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? (Points) Hes a fan. (To the fan as shes leaving) Bye! (Exits)
Monica: Whats the matter?
Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.
[Back in front of the nursery window.]
Rachel: Hey, honey! Whats the matter? (Monica shows her, her hat.) Fine, I was just trying to be nice! Whoa!
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is sitting on one of the chairs and the duck is running around him and quacking.]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen table, Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering from the bathroom carrying a package of toilet paper.]
Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!
Eric: No wait! Theres only a problem when I look at you. (Sits down on the couch.) Oh I got it! I got it. (Puts his hands to his eyes.)
Joey: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure weve got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know.
(There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.)
Conan: But there must be, there mustare a lot of moments over the years where youre just trying to do your job, something goes wrong.
JOEY: (sniffing the air and then Monica.)� Why do I smell men's cologne?
Chandler: Because if I go home, were gonna become the Bings! I cant be the Bings!
Chandler: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I dont care!
The Museum Official: (To Monica) May I help you?
Chandler: Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players.
Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.)
JOEY: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Rachel: I don't know where the phone is.
Rachel: (To Joey) Yeah I knowIm goodI got it! (Joey slowly backs away.) (To the boy) Now wait a minute, Ive got one more thing I have to say to you oh right! Shut up!
(Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.)
Joey: Ohh, no, no. Were not going to just sit. (Joey sits down and hits the speed dial button on the phone.) Shhh. (It begins to ring.)
Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, its justAnd I know hes my assistant and I cant date himbut it just bothers me, all right?!
Joey: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesnt find out some other way. (spins the chair around so that Ross is facing him) Did you think about the trail?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch staring off into space as Rachel enters.]
Ross: Well, I mean its not all bad. Im learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street!
Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!
Ross: Stupid balls are in the way. (holds up two balls)
Chandler: Really? Right across the street?
Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Monica: Phoebe, hes gotta be in the room for that to work.
[Scene: The Hospital. Erica is moaning and about to give birth. Monica, Chandler, a nurse and a doctor are there with her.]
Ross: Yeah, yeah you have the ring?
Megan: We met with him. Did he show you the photos of the nude wedding he did?
Joey: Uh yeah, where-wheres the guy who decides whos pictures go up on the wall?
Chandler: Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the articles.
Chandler: Well, lets see (Finding the picture he wants.) Okay uh, is that her? (Pointing to the picture.)
Monica: Thats a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Yknow (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.)
Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasnt true?!
[Scene: The Charity Event, Mr. Thompson is announcing the winners of the silent auction.]
Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone away from Ross) (on phone) Phoebe, hang on a second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my car, go pick up your friends.
Joey: Come on you guys, we want you to know we're (His eye widen even more) very very sorry. (Monica and Chandler are now covering their eyes with their hands) (then to the others in the hall) Right guys?
Phoebe: (excited)Hey you guys! Ok, you're not going to believe this! I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight!
CHANDLER: Achhh.� It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.� (pause)� Except with you.
Chandler: The British are coming?
MONICA: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future?
Ross: (in his head) Shes your cousin. Shes your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head shed think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Lets back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logans Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. Im going in.
Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister... (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That's it! You and me, outside!
Monica: (To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.
(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!
Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?
Joey: WhatBut you saw the show!
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please?
Chandler: (Also very excited) That sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in Vermont!
Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him?
(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel’s old and now empty room.)
Rachel: Well, I dont know. I called all the people in Monicas phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
Joey: Yeah, and Im a little tired from digging the hole.
[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe at the mike.]
MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...
Joey: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. (He downs the glass of juice in one swig.) I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.