words in movies
Ross: Hey you guys I got some bad news. (He sets the stack of papers down on the table.)
Ross: No, Monicas restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. (They all gasp.) I didnt want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find. (He hands the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.)
Monica: (seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers! It must be a good review! Is it great?!
Ross: But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know.
Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?!
Monica: You dont think that umm, (reading) "The chefs Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad press?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And Im not just saying this because Im your friend, Im sayin it cause its the truth. Youre food is abysmal!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, its late at night, Rachel is sitting on the couch in the dark wide-awake as Ross walks to the bathroom.]
Rachel: (interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper service!
Ross: (interrupting her) Okay. Okay. If uh, if youre gonna do this, then Im gonna do that. (Points to the bathroom.) So (Starts for the bathroom.)
Joey: (entering) Hey uh Monica, I cant remember. Did we say we were gonna meet here or at the movies?
Monica: We said at the movies, but
Monica: No. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! "Restaurant reviewer admits: I was wrong about Monica."
Chandler: The front page? You really do live in your own little world, dont ya?
[Scene: The Baby Furniture Store, Ross and Rachel are checking out.]
Ross: We are having a baby together, but were not involved. (The cashier, a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at him angrily) Or, yes stranger, wed like this delivered please.
Rachel: Oh yeah! Actually, thats one of the reasons why were not a couple.
Cashier: Oh no-no, Im fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book?
Cashier: (looking at the completed address card) Oh, I love your neighborhood. Theres a great gym right around the corner from your building.
Rachel: Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something that wasnt on the list. A whore.
Phoebe: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders!
Phoebe: Well, the interview
[Scene: The New School, Monica, carrying her dish, and Joey are confronting the food critic.]
Monica: Hi! Umm, Im Monica Geller, Im the chef at Alessandros.
The Food Critic: Still?
Monica: I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would like for you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.
The Food Critic: I dont see any reason why I would do that to myself again.
The Food Critic: Im torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks out.)
The Cooking Teacher: Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bearnaise sauce? (No one can.)
The Cooking Teacher: Okay, go ahead.
The Cooking Teacher: Thats very good, whats your name?
The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the head of the class.
Ross: My son? Pretty serious. (Theres a knock on the door and Ross answers it.) Oh hey Katie! (The cashier from before) What uh, what are you doing here?
Katie: Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A blanket.)
Ross: Ah, mustve been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store.
Ross: Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.)
Ross: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. Im just gonna put this (The money) back in my pocket, pretend that didnt happen. Uh yeah, actually Im free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or
Rachel: Horny bitch. (They both look at her, pretending that the dinosaurs shes holding are arguing.) No! Youre a horny bitch! Noooo! Youre the horny bitch! No! Youre a horny bitch!
Ross: (To Katie) Yeah, Im just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. (Katie looks worried.) Yknow because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not because Im-Im into S&M. (Katies worried again.) Im not-Im not into anything weird. Yknow? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is uncomfortable.) So, Im gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel alone.)
Phoebe: All right, all right, well just do our best. Okay? So lets say Im the interviewer and Im meeting you for the first time. Okay. "Hi! Come on in, Im uh, Regina Philange."
[Scene: The Cooking Class, Joey is trying to cook as the teacher walks over to him.]
The Cooking Teacher: Your Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all your cheese?
The Cooking Teacher: And the cream?
The Cooking Teacher: Okay. Lets move on.
The Cooking Teacher: (To Monica) Oh! Something smells good over at Monicas station! (She tries Monicas fettuccini.) Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing! Youve never made this before?
Monica: Oh no! I dont know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone what its called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles.
The Cooking Teacher: Well, hats off to the chef.
The Cooking Teacher: The chef!
Chandler: (suppressing a smile) What I do do is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me.
Phoebe: I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.
[Scene: The Cooking Class, everyone has finished baking a batch of cookies and the teacher is going around tasting them.]
The Cooking Teacher: Ah Monica, my star student.
Monica: Yknow, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me the star. (Hands it to her.)
The Cooking Teacher: (tasting the cookie and with her mouthful) Oh, yum-yum-yum. (Hands the star back.)
Monica: Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and Im sorry, but I dont care.
(The teacher goes to Joeys station.)
The Cooking Teacher: Okay Joey, youre up next. (Tries one of his cookies.) This are good! This is amazing! You get an A!
The Cooking Teacher: I think you should give him your star.
The Cooking Teacher: Were all beginners here. Nobody knows what theyre doing.
Monica: I do! Im a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax! Its not a courtroom drama!
The Cooking Teacher: If youre a professional chef, what are you doing taking Introduction to Cooking?
The Cooking Teacher: Oh Alessandros! I love that place!
The Cooking Teacher: Oh yes! Youre an excellent chef! As a person youre a little
Monica: Oh, Im totally crazy, but you-you like the food?
The Cooking Teacher: Very much.
The Cooking Teacher: Well actually, did either of you pay for this class?
Chandler: also I was the point person on my companys transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system.
The Interviewer: You mustve had your hands full.
The Interviewer: So lets talk a little bit about your duties.
The Interviewer: Now youll be heading a whole division, so youll have a lot of duties.
The Interviewer: But therell be perhaps 30 people under you so you can dump a certain amount on them.
The Interviewer: We can go into detail
The Interviewer: All right then, well have a definite answer for you on Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, youll fit in well here.
The Interviewer: Absolutely. (They walk to the door.) You can relax; you did great.
Chandler: Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Yknow Ive been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. (The interviewer doesnt understand) Duties. (Still doesnt.) Duties! (Still doesnt.) Poo. (Still doesnt.)
The Interviewer: Poo?
Chandler: Oh my God this doesnt count! Okay? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! Theres a crazy guy out in the hall!
The Interviewer: Poo?!
Rachel: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table.
Ross: Okay, so whats the matter?
Rachel: Yes! And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I dont want you to go out with anybody! Okay? I know its a terrible thing to even think this, and its completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beck and call 24 hours a day! Im very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel.
Ross: I wont date. Ill uh, Ill be here, with you, all the time.
Rachel: No, not really. Youre pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry. (She gets up and starts for the bathroom.)
Rachel: Yeah. (Stops and starts doing the I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom dance.)
Ross: The bathroom?
Rachel: Right! (Heads for the bathroom.)
[Scene: The New School, Joey and Monica are walking down a hallway.]
Joey: Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, thats the first A Ive gotten since seventh grade, and I didnt have to sleep with the teacher this time.
Joey: What the hell!
The Acting Teacher: All right, lets start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?
[Cut to the waiting room, a twice triumphant Frank returns.]
Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.
CHANDLER: [reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the case] Thanks best bud.
Terry: Im sorry Joey thats thats the way it is.
Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.)
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done.
Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
(he idly goes to the sofa, starts browsing a magazine. Everybody stares at him)
DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.
CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.
Joey: Right! Okay. (Heads for the bathroom.)
Ticket Agent: Oh Im afraid that plane has already pulled away from the gate.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Phoebe: You dont know him. Its not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She sits down like shes pregnant.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: (handing Mona the present) Happy Valentines Day! Or something to remember me by.
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, the gang is watching Joeys debut on Days.]
Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?
Ross: Excuse me, is there a woman waiting at the bar? Someone average height, dark hair, perhaps doing a puzzle?
Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think youre bumming out the rest of the kids.
Chandler: Whoa, she's pretty. (Mentioning the girl on TV)
Benjamin: (to Ross) Thank you! (to Charlie). I can't believe that you chose this restaurant! Do you remember the night?
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I cant do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
[Cut to later that same day, Ross has retrieved his keyboard and is about to debut, "The Sound."]
Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it's Joey, Rachel and Chandler).
The Director: And cut!
Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.)
Phoebe: Youre just saying that because youre my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? (Points) Hes a fan. (To the fan as shes leaving) Bye! (Exits)
Monica: Whats the matter?
Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.
[Back in front of the nursery window.]
Rachel: Hey, honey! Whats the matter? (Monica shows her, her hat.) Fine, I was just trying to be nice! Whoa!
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is sitting on one of the chairs and the duck is running around him and quacking.]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen table, Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering from the bathroom carrying a package of toilet paper.]
Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!
Eric: No wait! Theres only a problem when I look at you. (Sits down on the couch.) Oh I got it! I got it. (Puts his hands to his eyes.)
Joey: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure weve got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know.
(There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.)
Conan: But there must be, there mustare a lot of moments over the years where youre just trying to do your job, something goes wrong.
JOEY: (sniffing the air and then Monica.)� Why do I smell men's cologne?
Chandler: Because if I go home, were gonna become the Bings! I cant be the Bings!
Chandler: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I dont care!
The Museum Official: (To Monica) May I help you?
Chandler: Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players.
Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.)
JOEY: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Rachel: I don't know where the phone is.
Rachel: (To Joey) Yeah I knowIm goodI got it! (Joey slowly backs away.) (To the boy) Now wait a minute, Ive got one more thing I have to say to you oh right! Shut up!
(Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.)
Joey: Ohh, no, no. Were not going to just sit. (Joey sits down and hits the speed dial button on the phone.) Shhh. (It begins to ring.)
Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, its justAnd I know hes my assistant and I cant date himbut it just bothers me, all right?!
Joey: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesnt find out some other way. (spins the chair around so that Ross is facing him) Did you think about the trail?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch staring off into space as Rachel enters.]
Ross: Well, I mean its not all bad. Im learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street!
Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!
Ross: Stupid balls are in the way. (holds up two balls)
Chandler: Really? Right across the street?
Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Monica: Phoebe, hes gotta be in the room for that to work.
[Scene: The Hospital. Erica is moaning and about to give birth. Monica, Chandler, a nurse and a doctor are there with her.]
Ross: Yeah, yeah you have the ring?
Megan: We met with him. Did he show you the photos of the nude wedding he did?
Joey: Uh yeah, where-wheres the guy who decides whos pictures go up on the wall?
Chandler: Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the articles.
Chandler: Well, lets see (Finding the picture he wants.) Okay uh, is that her? (Pointing to the picture.)
Monica: Thats a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Yknow (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.)
Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasnt true?!
[Scene: The Charity Event, Mr. Thompson is announcing the winners of the silent auction.]
Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone away from Ross) (on phone) Phoebe, hang on a second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my car, go pick up your friends.
Joey: Come on you guys, we want you to know we're (His eye widen even more) very very sorry. (Monica and Chandler are now covering their eyes with their hands) (then to the others in the hall) Right guys?
Phoebe: (excited)Hey you guys! Ok, you're not going to believe this! I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight!
CHANDLER: Achhh.� It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.� (pause)� Except with you.
Chandler: The British are coming?
MONICA: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future?
Ross: (in his head) Shes your cousin. Shes your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head shed think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Lets back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logans Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. Im going in.
Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister... (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That's it! You and me, outside!
Monica: (To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.
(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!
Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?
Joey: WhatBut you saw the show!
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please?
Chandler: (Also very excited) That sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in Vermont!
Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him?
(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel’s old and now empty room.)
Rachel: Well, I dont know. I called all the people in Monicas phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
Joey: Yeah, and Im a little tired from digging the hole.
[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe at the mike.]
MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...
Joey: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. (He downs the glass of juice in one swig.) I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.